Monday, October 24, 2011

World Series Game 5: St. Louis Cardinals @ Texas Rangers

7:08- Sometimes, I feel like burning myself, just to feel anything, anything at all.

7:09- Pretty sure we're fucked again- my lucky t-shirt is still in the dryer.

7:13- Fuck it, the shirt's wet, and I'm wearing it anyway. SO SEXXXY.

7:14- The worst thing about baseball, opposed to other sports, is that there's a whole half of the game where you know your team is not going to take the lead, tie it up, or even score. You just gotta wait for those three outs...

7:26- This is a very interesting strike zone we're looking at. And by "interesting" I mean "idiotic".

7:29- I like to think that the Texas fans are booing the head first slide, because FUCK PETE ROSE JUST THAT MUCH. Fucking cheater.

7:30- Although I'm completely against MLB on the Pete Rose thing. Honestly, Ty Cobb is in the Hall, and he's a few orders of magnitude worse than just about everyone else. As a person.

7:33- John Rooney: "A high fastball, for effect." And you guys, he's so fucking dismayed as he says it. Like he's just now fucking realized that this is all just a game, nothing but smoke and mirrors and wonderful lies meant to anasthetize the population of a country slowly slumping into the long sunset of the League of Ordinary Nations.

7:35- "Skip Schumaker" is the name of the star of a series of Boys' Adventure novels. DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO TRACK DOWN THOSE SMUGGLERS HE SAW BY THE QUARRY?

7:36- "Boys' Adventure" is the name of a genre that ought to be much gayer than the actual novels are.

7:37- Unless I'm wrong- did the Hardy Boys have girlfriends?

7:44- Apparently, Nick Punto tried- and FAILED- to break his bat over his knee after that last out. But don't worry, he's GRITTY.

7:45- I think Mike Shannon has confused the Louisville Slugger factory with Olivander's wand shop. It's okay. Mike Shannon just still wants to believe in wonder. And who's going to take that away from him? WHO? YOU, BILL GAMMONS? YOU, BILL JAMES? YOU, BOB COSTAS?

7:46- Ha ha, that last update was RIDICULOUS. Bob Costas isn't going to take away anyone's wonder, he's a farie that only survives because you clapped your hands to show that you believed in him.

7:51- The Texas Rangers will win these games harder if they start playing better defense.

7:53- Mike Shannon is amazing. "Ah, I know they walked SOMEBODY in Game One." That is the analysis America needs right now.

7:54- CJ Wilson- "Fuck this 'Not Walking Pujols' horseshit, I'm'a walk Pujols!" And then he does.

7:57- Matt Holiday remains mostly useless at the plate. BUT, he's white, so half the people I see like him more than Pujols.

8:00- Mike Napoli will stalk my nightmares.

8:02- Everyone: "Gee, Colby, why do you only listen to these games on the radio?" Me: "Because on the Television box, they let Derek Holland do his Harry Carry impression."

8:03- I once heard that Mitch Moreland was the inspiration for the bad guy mutants in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. No, not Bee-Bop and Rocksteady. The other, shittier mutants, because the movie fucking hated you too much to show you the characters you loved.

8:05- It's very possible that Mitch Moreland has no idea what TMNT II was. This is because he's young, but also a douche-hole.

8:06- Worst part about this WS is between TLR and Ron Washington, some "small ball" cock knuckle who doesn't believe in "counting" is going to be vindicated for another goddamn year.

8:07- Oh, thank cool ranch Jesus.

8:15- If my calculations are correct, Freese's AB has taken 146 pitches.

8:16- Dear Cardinals Batters: STOP BEING USELESS. FUCK.

8:22- Who came up with that name, anyway? "Texas"? Sounds fucking fishy to me.

8:25- CWS Western Correspondent Jeremy Pelzer reports: "KMOX has a completely different broadcast west of the Mississippi in which Mike Shannon talks in a BBC accent & regales us with stories of him & Malcolm Forbes." I have no choice but to believe him.

8:26- Who the fuck is Malcom Forbes? Is he some other fucking 13 year old on Texas' bench that's gonna stand up and hit the ball all the way from Arlington to my crotch? 'Cause I'm getting sick of those little shits.

8:29- "Gee Whiz, Mr. Turlington! I can't believe we actually returned the pirate's treasure to the museum!" -Skip Schumaker, on hitting a single.

8:32- Cunning strategy. No one wants to see Nick Punto swing the bat.

8:33- Mike Shannon- "They don't bunt over here in the American League very much." They JUST did it like, 2 innings ago. You're drunk already, aren't you?

8:36- Did Pujols even bother to walk to the batter's box?

8:37- Oh, great, here comes Holliday.

8:41- Sweet Jesus in a smoking birchtree canoe. He'd save us time if he just swung blindly.

8:45- Mitch Moreland invented credit default swaps.

8:49- Chris Carpenter: "Hey guys, I wanna get aboard the fuck up train, too!"

8:57- Okay, a one out base hit and a pitching change. That's not a sure thing, but it's not the flaccid penis of the previous three innings.

9:07- The Cardinals have stranded 5,672 base runners tonight.

9:12- GOD, FUCK.

9:12- Adrian Beltre's crimes are too well known and serious to be documented in this funny make-em-up-blog.

9:14- As near as I can tell, Nelson Cruz is an innocent soul. Carpenter's the sinner on this one.


9:18- Before you all start: NO, THIS IS NOT FUN. Games like this are worse than the Clap. They're worse than Creed. They're just horrid, nasty, vicious little things, and for shame, FOR SHAME, Major League Baseball,for shutting down Bill Veeck's innovation of the moving outfield wall to eliminate this horseshit.

9:28- Pujols walks, Holliday on with two outs. IT'S ONLY OCTOBER, HOW ARE WE INTO RERUNS ALREADY?

9:31- Okay, now Berkman has to do something.  But hey, hooray for actually getting a hit on two outs!

9:32- Is it possible Pujols pushed on to home to force the throw, thus letting Holliday get to 2nd? He's a pretty cunning base runner, but that...that would be quite an idea.

9:45- Parents shouldn't let their kids watch baseball.

9:46- the transpositive to my 7:14 update is that at least it's going to be another 3 outs before the Cardinals can fall behind.

9:55- Jeremy Pelzer: "After the game, Matt Holliday is going to DD for 8 Cardinals and out of habit leave them stranded at the bar"

10:04- I love that Texas fans are now booing the intentional walk. Where was this in...oh...every other inning tonight, guys?

10:07- As Dotel hits the showers, Texas fans sing "Hey hey hey Goodbye". Jesus christ, you tooth-fucked gorillas. This is Tony LaRussa, he moves pitchers around like Josh Hamilton on Spring Break. You're cheering on him executing his normal strategy.

10:13- Texas fans are so excited, they ALMOST remembered that this isn't football!

10:14- Fuck it, I'm done. If the Cardinals aren't bothering to try, why would I?

10:15- The Channel 3 weather lady- who has been there for a billion years- is talking about seeing the aurora boriealis. And it pisses me off. Bitch.

10:19- Ben Rathert is ordinarily a stand-up guy. One of the most generous, gracious men I know.

But he quoted Bruce Springsteen (think about it for a minute) in explaining this game. For this, he deserves nothing but your finest murders.

10:29- I think even a blow job would piss me off right now.

10:39- Fuck you, HIMYM, Weird Al is awesome.

10:40- Going to bed. You just go to hell.

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