Saturday, October 29, 2011

Illinois Fighting Illini @ Penn Sate Nittany Lions

2:23- What the fuck is a Nittany Lion?

2:24- Illinois comes in 6 and 2- starting out 6 and 0. Penn State is undefeated. Fellow Illini, we are now fully engaged in the long slouch toward the Texas Bowl.

2:27- Goddamn, that Yale/Colombia game looks AWESOME. #Sentencesthathaven'tbeenusedsince1925

2:28- I like to think that some third-string nobody line man who doesn't even like football but is only on the team because his father had a dad-boner for JoePa heard about the snow today and thought he'd finally gotten out of it, like a kid praying for a snow day before a big exam. Joke's on you, pussy!

2:29- BTW, "dad-boners" are not sexual. They're about respect, and self-determination, and a firm handshake.

2:34- Joe Paterno hasn't seen snow like this since he crossed the Delaware with General Washington.

2:35- I am damn glad we got the "Joe Paterno is old" joke out of the way so early.

2:37- Silas Redd vs. Whitney Mercilus? I think that was a Star Wars/Harry Potter crossover.

2:38- Apparently, Paterno is not on the sideline for this, he's watching from a booth upstairs. Mentally, nothing will be different.

2:42- Jason Ford runs for a gain of I-don't-know. He looks like the fat kid from the Cosby show that time he stole candy from Rudy and darted out of the house. (This sounds like a Cosby show plot, right?)

2:48- The shot of JoePa up in the stands, looking down silently at the game, is kind of sad, like he's so old he's being separated from the game he loves.

2:39- On the other hand, seeing so much of the coaching staff up in a heated tower while the players work in the snow really nicely underlines all of the NCAA's "student athletes"/Dancing Bears bullshit.

2:55- What exactly is JoePa doing up there? At least the other guys they show are talking into their headsets, or looking over paperwork, or covering up NCAA violations, or something. He looks like he's just watching football in a cozy room

2:56- Pay no attention to the blogger saying that while sitting under a blanket.

2:57- I hope that if JoePa has to challenge a play, he throws the flag from way the fuck up there. And that it hits some soro-stitute right in the gob.

2:58- Dear every college marching band and fandom in the nation- What the fuck, did the White Stripes just release a sheet music version of their catalog? Why did you all pick up "Seven Nation Army" at once? C'mon, college is a time for wild hedonistic experimentation, don't all just go playing the same song from MY freshman year of college. You should be playing Nicki Manaj or something. "Anti-Folk", whatever the fuck that is.

3:01- Penn State shanks a field goal.

3:02- I'm just saying, see, I actually watch these games! I TOTALLY get football.

3:06- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. one of the broadcasters (I don't know the college football guys, because I don't hate them as much) says he can't blame the weather for this. But I dunno, this game is looking sloppy. If it was just the Illini, it'd be one thing- that's pretty much what they do in the first quarter, try to turn me into the Incredible Hulk- but Penn State hasn't looked great so far, either.

3:10- ESPN on ABC's in-studio guy, on the Oklahoma State game- "First one to 50 wins." What the bitch? Do you think you're presenting highlights for some kind of really ambitious pick-up basketball league?

3:12- So far, this game is televised HPV. When's the last time an offense even crossed the line of scrimmage?

3:16- The GoDaddy ads are so shamelessly creepy, I feel filthy even for not turning off the TV and feeding the homeless immediately when they come on.

3:18- Reilly O'Toole enters the game for Illinois at QB, fresh off of his stint bothering Leopold Bloom in "Ulysses".

3:25- Jesus christ, the Illini offense may has well put the guy carrying the ball in a different colored shirt. It could be bright yellow and have "USELESS" written on the back.

3:27- Illinois hasn't had a single first down. But they're leading the Big Ten in "Standing next to the other team when it steps on its own dick". That's why this game is still close!

3:30- Can Pen State's QB see the yellow line? Is THAT what he keeps aiming at?

3:31- The broadcasters plug "Last Man Standing". This is the first time in years that I actually believe the broadcasters would actually like the show they're plugging.


3:37- Jason Ford's impressive "fuck this letting you tackle me shit" run is completely erased by a holding penalty. DICK STATUS: SUCCESSFULLY STEPPED ON.

3:39- I'm all for more video review and instant replay- get the shit right- but there's no arguing that they slow down the action worse than having to scramble into your roommate's bedroom to find a condom.

3:42- I mean, I assume. My roommates and I all liked Star Trek, so we have no idea what it's like to have girls over.

3:43- The ABC broadcasters are bitching that the helmet-to-helmet contact wasn't called out on the review. "Isn't that in the rule book?" One of them asks, while insisting that he loves contact, he just wants the rules enforced. Well, okay, but it's also in the rule book that those kinds of things aren't eligible for review. Which yes, is fuck-tarded, but it's the NCAA, man. Bullshit hypocrisy is the coin of the realm.

3:44- And I say this as someone who would generally rather NOT have the Illini starting quarterback forced to eat pudding and watch Yo Gabba Gabba after graduation. I DON'T, particularly, care about contact or big hits. But the problem isn't these refs.

3:46- What I'm saying, Mr. ABC broadcaster- and you should totally listen to me, because I'm so objective on this issue, I don't even know your name- is that if you don't like it, grab a pitchfork dude, it's time we burned down the mission. #OccupyNCAA

3:48- Reilly O'Toole chose UofI over Wheaton College because the word "tool" is banned at Wheaton College.

3:51- Someone want to explain the rationale behind illegal formation rules to me? Seems to me like so long as the right number of players are on the field, you should get to line up your guys however you want. What am I missing?

3:52- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. THANKS FOR LETTING ME JUST CUT AND PASTE, GUYS.

3:55- As a defense attorney, I appreciate the "BEYOND ALL DOUBT" review standard.

3:57- The ruling on the field stands, and only after that announcement does the ABC broadcaster offer his opinion- agreeing, of course. Hey, I just figured out his name! It's Gutless McTittyprick.

3:59- A TD is called back on something called "illegal motion" which sounds just vague enough to be the referee's version of a TARDIS. IT'S BIGGER ON THE INSIDE!

4:00- All of Illinois football, including it's storied history and all possible futures, completely collapses in on itself on some kind of botched field goal attempt. I don't even know how, all I know is that now, Red Grange's parents never met.

4:02- There is no Illinois football team, there is only ZUUL. And yet, Penn State still can't get a frog-fucked play going, so we go into the locker rooms tied 0-0.

4:24- The broadcaster I don't like is named "Brock" because he'd pretty much have to be, wouldn't he?

4:25- Brock- "It's been an old school hit-you-in-the-mouth defense kind of game." No, it has not. I know you love contact, but this has been a coating-our-fingers-in-crisco-and-slip-sliding along kind of game. The defense hasn't been that impressive.

4:31- Illinois picks off a pass. Then Penn State picks off a pass. Now, the call on that second one is pretty clearly the official's horseshit attempt to salvage #409 for JoePa, facts be damned, but still. This game is worse than Arby's.

4:35- The other broadcaster- Blandy McUtterlyForgettable- says that JoePa told him he's had so many mutli-generational players, his biggest problem is remembering to call the current kids by their names, not their fathers. I call bullshit. JoePa doesn't fucking remember the fathers.

4:36- Penn State is short by inches on it's fourth down attempt. This game is so terrible, my cats are getting agitated.

4:37- Then again, my cats just read that Taylor Branch history of the NCAA, so they're kinda cynical about college sports in general right now.

4:39- Woah! Blandy's talking about Uncle Tupelo and Sun Volt!

4:40- Alt country references are, by far, the most interesting this about this game. Well, that and the play after play of good ol' Big Ten fuck-uppery.

4:41- Scheelhaase has gotten 2 first downs for Illinois on this drive, both with his feet. Big Ten Football: Where Forward Passes are for Fuckwits.

4:43- Then, to make me look stupid, Scheelhaase connects with Jenkins for another first down. Listen here, Prick-master General: This is my goddamn blog, and if you don't confirm the baseless accusations I make on it, I'll give you more stupid nicknames.

4:44- Scheelhaase to Spencer Harris for an Illinois TD. Blandy sing-talks a few lines of the Illinois fight song. Sweaty god in sub-tropical heaven, it's not even fun when they're biased to MY team.

4:47- Joe Posnanski:

Joe Posnanski 
This Penn State-Illinois 0-0 game is a throwback … to those days when the forward pass was illegal.
You should all read more Joe Pos. He does a body good.

4:50- I'm drinking Dr. Pepper Ten as we speak, and have no idea what's supposed to be so manly about it. I mean, I appreciate that it doesn't taste like balls, so I guess that's fine.

4:51- The great thing about football- and it's Dosteyevsky-sized rule book- is on every play, I get to say if the refs got the call right or wrong, like I actually know a single damned thing. I should have a pipe while I do it. "Mmm, yes. Truculent call, old chap. Surely was a horsecollar."

4:54- Penn State's receives appear to be wearing these when they try to catch.

4:55- Brock: "Their effort, their zeal, their want-to." Just go ahead and fuck right the fuck off, would you please?

4:57- Illinois fumbles, Penn State recovers. The crowd sings "Sandstorm" as if their team actually did anything.

4:58- See, Penn State is trying to prove me right, that's while they'll always be my favorite daughter. The ball carrier fumbles, and on the next play, the QB is sacked about 160 yards behind the line of scrimmage.

4:59- And I say "daughter" because, while either team could certainly beat me into a senseless pulp (or, as I like to call it, a "Likely Herman Cain voter"), they're both playing like girls today.

5:02- ABC, seriously, there's a whole damn quarter left? Why the fuck are you declaring the "Good Hands Play of the Game" with that much left to go?

5:03- Oh my god, I just figured out why and I feel like an idiot. All of these "play of the game" things are sponsored. The sponsors wouldn't allow them to be at the END of the game, 'cause everyone changes the channel when the clock reaches zero (unless you're a madman blogging the proceedings with the intention of complaining about the coverage).

5:04- I feel dumb for never figuring that out before. My cat is looking at me disapprovingly. Of course, she thinks it's dinner time...

5:05- Blandy: "If it's not the weather (causing this lack of offense and generally sloppy play), what is it?" Why are we eliminating the weather, Dr. Watson? It seems to me that all the dropped passes and fumbles implicate the weather pretty obviously. The ball doesn't have to be wet- when it's cold, your extremities hurt more when they're hit. It's a simpler explanation than just thinking an undefeated team and a team with an explosive pass combo forgot to pack any offense for today.

5:07- HOLY SHIT, A BLOCKED PUNT. Someday, I will see awesome shit like that and one of MY teams will be the beneficiary. But for now, I can at least appreciate it on an intellectual level. *Puffs pipe*.

5:10- Penn State is in the red zone, 3rd and 5. This is like World Series Game 6- early shitty play has lead to fairly exciting game as we get down the stretch.

5:15- What, exactly, does Whitney Mercilus get for being ESPN on ABC's "Impact Player"? Double coupons at Aldi?

5:16- McGloin fumbles, recovers, and is sacked a few yard back. I mention this because "McGloin" is a funny name.

5:17- Penn State hits one of those field goal things, and we're 7-3 Illinois. But if we counted the points for ShitHeel State's Fightin' Fuckups, they'd be at 43. Too bad they're suspended for recruiting violations.

5:22- Scheelhaase scrambles, crosses the fifty, moves the chains. He actually is pretty fun to watch.

5:24- I don't care about anything else, football players look fucking cool when you can see their breath.

5:25- All these shots of the offensive coordinators are awesome, they're so grainy and shadowed. It's like the only known photo of some financial terrorist on the FBI's most wanted list.

5:26- 3 minutes to go, Penn State's gonna get the ball on the 20. That should be exciting. You hear me college football? I SAY IT SHOULD BE EXCITING.

5:30- Wow, Penn State had decided it wants to complete a few passes.

5:31- "Encroachment", huh? Okay, I have no choice but to believe you.

5:32- I never understand the two minute drill offenses. I mean, if you can do this, if you have a QB how can move the ball down the field this fast, shouldn't you whip it out a few times in the first half? I understand not doing it in like the early fourth quarter. But why did Penn State play nuts-in-a-vice-ball for three quarters?

5:34- Granted, I know nothing about football, but it seems like that's a "have to foul" situation. But hey, I think there's such a thing as a "have to maim" situation.


5:37- ABC goes to a fucking commercial, because heaven forbid a football game ever be allowed to fucking progress naturally. People who bitch about how slow baseball is need to take a flying leap up they own ass.

5:40- TD, Penn State. We live in a fallen world.

5:41- Seriously, how come they couldn't move the ball ten feet for three quarters, and then were able to move a billion yards in a minute? I smell bullshit err...somewhere.

5:42- The review confirms the ruling, and the crowd goes nuts. Because all of those future dairy inspectors think getting a call confirmed is some kind of personal accomplishment.

5:43- Which, graded on the curve of their sad, forgotten little lives, I guess it's the closest thing to.

5:45- The heir to the Douchington family fortune in the stands furiously waves his hands to indicate that there was no catch there. The referee thanks him profusely, because he needs some second year psych major's help in doing his fucking job.

5:48- We can't get the refs some fucking iPhones so they can just catch this real quick themselves?

5:50- I guess the fear is they'd just be sending pictures of their junk to each other. 

5:52- The clock is so awesomely arbitrary in football. Different things stop it at different times, and it hitting 0 does not necessarily mean, y'know, the game is over. Hilarious.

5:53- Well, let's go, Dimke.


5:55- Don't bother coming home, Dimke.

5:55- I think it's a little hinky that JoePa gets credit for 409 wins without even going outside for the game. The only person on Penn State who didn't absolutely try to abort himself was Moye, but this is all going to be about the fucking legend of some guy who hasn't been in active control of any aspect of his program- and by "program", I mean "bowels"- since Kidd 'N Play were the new hotness.

5:58- I'm content to end this one on another mean-spirited "JoePa is OLD!" joke. See you tonight, for the Blackhawks game.

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