Monday, October 31, 2011

Hawks v Preds: 3

10:13 - Rock you like a HURRI-KANE!  GET IT?!  Seriously I think one of the goddamn Care Bears in the crowd shoulda got first star.  But I'll fucking take the 2 points.

10:12 - That's one for the dagger, one for you to shove up your fucking dick hole!!!!!!!!

10:11 - YYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

10:03 - My prediction = Hawks score next, then Crawford own goals himself...with his dick.

10:03 - Rinne baby I didn't mean that, come back.  I'll control my temper.  I bought you flowers.  #occupystockholm


10:00 - I am blaming this game on gay marriage.

9:59 - THERE'S WALDO!!!!

9:58 - 6 minutes later I'm still not sure how much of that was Crawford's fault.  Shoulda stayed in butterfly longer but I think he was screened.  Because, you know, he cares about my analysis.

9:52 - Cue up the fucking dagger bitches.  I want Rinne to hear that shit in his nightmares.

9:49 - whenever I hear Frolik's name I think of Zoolander.

9:45 - That's how you get your head in the game.  Get it?  AAAAAAAAHHHHH Crawford saved that with his dick.

9:41 - All that being said, Rinne is making some amazing saves tonight.

9:41 - Remember what I said earlier about 2-man advantages?  The Hawks, and Hossa specifically, did not get the memo

9:40 - I love the slap from Tazer afterwards.  I hope they duel afterwards.

9:38 - Next stoppage the arena is going to play the fucking Mortal Kombat theme.  Is it glow stick night?

9:34 - I'm glad Kane decided "You know what, fuck this shit.  I'm tired of leading the team in points off assists alone.  Let me show you bung-knucklers how this shit gets done."

9:27 - Okay guys, time to stop sitting on your dicks.  Just tell yourselves that since Crawford has now given up his standard 3 goals he'll start playing like a real goalie.

Hawks v Preds: Period 2

9:19 - Craig, a chick in a bumblebee outfit did better on the shot contest than you did.  (This burn compliment of Lester the Molester, and brought to you by Soderbear)

9:18 - I'll admit, that weird wig on Kustok kinda does it for me.  I'd hate myself afterwards, but I'd do it.

9:17 - Well of COURSE Elvis scored.

9:09 - Dude did Hornquist just get suplexed?!

9:07 - I'm not even pissed about that one.  After it goes to 2-man advantage the goalie can take his mask off and go get a glass of water and I won't get pissed at him giving up a goal.

9:01 - The crowd has more Care Bears than the Hawks have shots on goal.  I hate my life.

8:59 - Crowd cam is showing girls texting.  Is this fucking Wrigley Field?

8:52 - Seriously everytime I talk shit about my team they do well.  That's at least half the reason I keep posting on here.

8:51 - Why is it that forechecks look like fivechecks against us.

8:40 - It's times like this that I lament my inability to string curse words together with the skill of Craig Colbrook.

8:36 - Okay Crawford just got hit, time to put John Scott in.

8:35 - I gotta give the Preds props for deciding they haven't hit enough Hawks and need to trip a ref too.  Everyone should taste the fury.

Blackhawks v Predators: 1st Period

8:23 - Sara Kustok's eyes are deader than most strippers I've met.

8:18 - Random aside.  Binny's just had a commercial where Ditka is discussing wine like a sommelier and the dude bros that were excited to see him get confused and disgusted by his effiminacy.  Hey Binny's, you do sell wine right?  Maybe you shouldn't insult one of your customer bases, ass-polyps.

8:11 - People should recognize Kane ALWAYS gets the five hole.  Right ladies?

8:11 - Cue up the fuckin' dagger bitches.

8:09 - Shit nice glove save Rinne.  I'd tap your pads for that one.

8:04 - I hate saying it but Crawford's looking really rattled out there.  Not saying Emery needs to go in but fuckin' A dude settle down.

8:01 - I actually feel better now that we're on penalty kill.

7:58 - I think the Preds had more shots during our power play than we did.  Guys, think back to High School.  It's better to get a shot off with something ugly than diddle the pills waiting on something pretty.


7:47 - I think the Hawks forgot which net we're trying to score on.  Or how to handle a pass.  Or both.
7:43 - I think these two penalties are the Preds feeling bad for us.

7:41 - The announcers are telling me the line-up is brought to me by Jack Daniels.  This is the first time that in game product placement has sounded good to me.  This hangover brought to you by Crawford's cock up.

7:40 - Where the fuck is Crawford?  Fuck all guys you're already going empty net with 58 minutes left?!

7:39 - Jesus titty fucking Christ.

7:38 - I really wanted him to hit a falsetto at the end of the anthem.

7:36 - This might be the most pretentious rendition of the national anthem ever.  Even the veterans that got wheeled out there to manipulate our emotions look worried.

7:35 - Still no puck drop.  You lied to me Comcast Sportsnet.

Blackhawks v. Predators: Pregame

6:35 - While we wait, in honor of Halloween enjoy this rundown of the 10 scariest goalie masks:  Bonus:  2 of the 10 are former Blackhawks.  Extra Bonus:  Several of them have wolf masks, and that makes me smile seeing as how I live with a werewolf.  I also love that one of the 10 was certifiably insane.

6:28 - Blackhawks pre-game starts 30 minutes before puck drop.  Monday Night Football pre-game starts an hour and a half before kickoff.  This says something about both American culture and the quality of media commentary on both.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

World Series Recap: Wherein a Single Fuck is Given

180 games ago, I was wasting my time with a fake Ozzie Guillen Twitter feed. And I posted:

Ozzie Guillen
Most of life is like wading through a hip-deep pool of badger shit.

Ozzie Guillen
But every once in a while, a douchebag grabs a ball, and an asshole grabs a bat.

Ozzie Guillen
And even if they DON'T attack each other (like they probably should- THAT'S GRINDERBALL), you just know, deep down, that everything's OK.

Ozzie Guillen
Te quiero, beisbol.

That's as close to poetry as I care to get about this game. Too many assholes with keyboards try to dress baseball up with forced metaphors and awkward imagery. "Baseball, like life, yadda yadda yadda." That's horseshit. Baseball isn't like life; life is way shittier.

When you keep trying- and failing- to connect baseball up to some grander ideas about life, the universe, and everything, you don't make baseball bigger and more relevant; you actually make it smaller. You make it easier to dismiss. People recognize that you're trying to justify spending so much time on something that can right be identified as "just a game." 

The St. Louis Cardinals are my all time favorite sports team. On August 24, 2011, they were 10 1/2 games outside of a playoff spot. Albert Pujols was looking like some commoner. The disabled list looked longer than the active roster. LaRussa had had shingles for chrissake! SHINGLES. Like he was one of the goddamn neighbors on Little House on the Prairie. WILL HE SURVIVE THE WINTER, PA?

" The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased. Unprejudiced. Fair. Ron Washington's boys get the same chance my Athletics had- 50-50."

The Cardinals closed the 10 1/2 game gap on an awesome final game of the season, one almost good enough to justify the Wild Card/Unbalanced Schedules boondoggle (that final night of the regular season needs a name, stat. I keep calling it "Night 162", but nobody listens to me, nobody listens to me. They say I'm crazy, but I'm not crazy, they're all crazy, I'll show them...). They were in as the "Wild Card", which is generally thought of as the "EVERYBODY GETS A TROPHY!" award of Major League Baseball, but it's good enough for me.

They faced the best team in the National League, the Philadelphia Phillies, and beat them in 5 games. I didn't need this to be anything bigger than that. There was a good story about Carpenter and Halladay facing off in Game 5, but it was just that, a nice story. I didn't need it to mean anything. The Cards beat their divisional rivals, the Milwaukee Brewers, for the Pennant. And it was nice that they beat their rivals, but let's be clear, this Cardinals team is so pissy and self-righteous that they hate pretty much ANY team in the NL Central that might be able to beat them. It was nothing special.

Then we get to the World Series. And it WAS a wildly entertaining World Series- games decided by single runs, the best hitting performance in World Series history, a remarkable pitching performance out of an 8 year old boy who had never done something like that before (and, I'll bet you anything, won't do it again), bullpen phone slap-dickery, that amazing, miraculous Game 6, and the hilarious anti-climax of a Game 7. The baseball pundits went on and on and on about "momentum shifts" and "grit" and "determination", and they even managed to work in some condescension as they insisted that in five years we'll all forget that there even WAS a Game 7, we'll just think the Cardinals won it in Game 6. We won't. But they'll act like we did with their "DID YOU KNOW" bullshit, and we'll mute our TVs to listen to that damn Westlife song again. Written in the stars, indeed.

It was all horseshit, and everything they say about it in the next few days will be horseshit, too. The Cardinals came out of an iron lung and won the whole thing because they were just a little more talented than they looked in August, and because it's fucking baseball, and random shit is gonna smack you in the dick every so often. That's good enough for me. Are you kidding? That's fucking AWESOME. That's the Excitement of the Unexpected, if not the Theater of the Absurd, and that's a cornerstone of entertainment. It doesn't need to connect up to life as a whole, or human perseverance, or the brutal art of competition and conquest. Take all of that shit, put it in a balloon, shove the balloon up your ass, and smuggle it back to your academic conference, Princeton. Write a goddamn paper citing Joseph Conrad, if you're so convinced, but it better be a fucking spectacular one.

Because it IS just a game, and you know what? We spend billions and billions of dollars on games. On entertainment. People spend their entire careers, their entire lives, their entire fortunes, just to keep other people amused for a couple hours at a time. And I'll be god damned by the devil himself if that isn't beautiful. 

My Cardinals are the champions of a wildly entertaining and memorable World Series. An incredible POST SEASON AS A WHOLE, REALLY, the most entertaining one I can remember. That doesn't make my life any better, it doesn't give me any particular insight into anything besides baseball. But it makes me smile. And I refuse to believe that baseball needs to do anything else for me or the rest of the world.

Anyway. When do pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training?

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks Period 3: Will We Get a Winner?

9:23- The "Key to the Third Period" is to win one for the sick kid who dropped the puck tonight. Not to take anything away from the kid, he deserves the attention, but "win it for him" isn't really a strategy.

9:30- The ref negates another goal. Pat and Eddie say that's a good call, I say they're in on this bullshit. Can we win just one goddamn game against regulation? I mean, I know the Blue Jackets suck, but you don't get extra rules to even that out.

9:32- Stalberg scores on the 4-on-4, but it's probably just a matter of time before they wave that one off, too.

9:33- I hope on the next Hawks PK, the refs step in to be the fifth man for us, too.

9:38- Pat Foley promised to tell us the final decision of the officials when they come back from the commercial break. Well done, Pat. That's a LOST-caliber cliffhanger.

9:40- Enter Sandman is playing in the UC. Because in hockey, it's always 1995.

9:43- And now Pat and Eddie are explaining to us why Stalberg isn't that good a player. Which, fine, he's not, but he DID just score two goals in about 12 seconds. Can we maybe wait until his next fuck up at this point?

9:44- I'm just saying, I think everyone has a basic human right for a few minutes a day without having to suffer Sgt. Prickinstein and his Howlin' Commandos. Why don't you just let this be Stalberg's?

9:45- Now they're bitching how kids don't read the dictionary anymore, they go to the web. You know that what's on the web is just a dictionary, too, right? AND you can see titties!

9:51- ANOTHER Hawks goal is waved off. Though again, this one seems legit. Now I think the Blackhawks are just using these for back door time outs.

9:52- Patrick Kane likes the idea of "back door" anything, heh heh heh.

9:59- Now the Blue Jackets get a goal waved off! Where is this gonna end? If you gotta wave off every time the Blue Jackets don't score a goal, your arms are gonna get tired, dude.

10:07- Columbus pulled the goalie, but has put him back. I guess they're just not ready for kids.

10:15- Frolik gets an empty-netter, and soemone needs to do a mathmatical study of the viability of that play. With graphs and charts and solutions for X.

Game ends, 5-2 Hawks. I'm starting to see a pattern that they really turn it on in the 3rd- which is a welcomed change from last year, where they really shat all over everything in the third.

Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks: Period 2: Electric Boogaloo

8:35- The Hawks have left their net all but empty twice, but luckily, the emo nihilists that make up the Blue Jackets said, "Why bother? It's all bullshit anyway."

8:40- Toews is called for a penalty. He knew it was coming, so he gave some jerk a cheap shot. What the hell, he's already going to the box.

8:41- That's 8 penalty minutes. Greasy god. Are the Hawks going through their rebellious teenager phase? Could some cheerleader just give 'em a handy so they calm down?

8:42- MY BAD! Whiskey Dick gets the Penalty, Hawks on the power play. I'd recommend a handy for Whiskey Dick, too, but, well, the problem presents itself, doesn't it?

8:44- Two shots look like goals, but aren't called. The replay looks like they shouldn't be goals. But can't we call them goals on federal "Make Ohioans miserable" laws?

8:46- BTW, this, like all video review, goes to the NHL's "War Room" in Toronto. The refs call it in, the nerds check it out and make the final call. It's basically my favorite method of reviewing a play. And yeah, I rank those. Don't you?

8:51- Foley: "The Blue Jackets have only made the playoffs- well, they've never won a playoff game, let's put it that way." I love it when the broadcasters realize they don't know what they're talking about after their gobs have already been flapping for most of a sentence.

8:53- Though to be fair to Pat, he at least course corrected. Tim McCarver would just double-down on the horseshit. Mike Shannon would just drink more.

8:54- This is a ridiculously horrific Power Play. This is the "Scooby Doo 2" of Power Plays.

8:56- Some jerk on Columbus- who's only claim to fame, as far as Foley can tell, is that he played in the AHL- scores. 2-2.

8:59- The very fact that this game is tied should make the Hawks feel like they ate bad taco meat.

9:07- What a horrid little mongoloid of a period. See you in the next thread.

Hawks hate Danny

8:36 - Honestly i wouldn't want to sit in the sin bin seats.  You look like a zoo animal, you can't interact with the team, you can't interact with the other fans, and they camera comes in on you so much you can't scratch your balls.  What's the point?

8:31 - This is what I see whenever John Scott takes the ice:

8:15 - Seriously, the writers of Mighty Ducks 4 couldn't script a stupider goal than Bolland's.

8:13 - Danny introduced me to the expression "tripping over the finish line".  I'd like to introduce Bolland to the expression.

7:58 - Power Play coming up for the Hawks.  I'm still not convinced we don't play worse when we have a power play.  We are great on the break away and you don't get that when the other team turtle shells and ices everything.

Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks

7:04- I just watched my first "Coach's Corner" with Don Cherry. I've seen political manifestos broadcast over pirated television signals that made more sense. And dressed better. It wasn't nearly enough different from this for me to avoid nightmares tonight.


7:33- I'm watching on an online feed of WGN. SHHHH. DON'T TELL THE GOVERNMENT.

7:34- The Blackhawks are coming off of a pretty terrible game in Carolina, but Carolina has always had them by the short-n-curlies. The Blue Jackets, to the best of my knowledge, are coming off of a swirling maw of inexplicable existential horror. There's no society, no civilization. Just one bad hockey team trying to make sense of a broken world.

7:35- Should be a good game!

7:39- The Hawks are rocking their back-up goalie, Ray Emery, and their second line winger, Dan Carcillo, just got a suspension. But this is the game they can afford to be short handed.

7:41- Samuel Lepisto is in the line-up for the Hawks tonight. FIRE IN LEPISTO! FIRE IN THE TACO BELL!

7:42- Ben Walker's secret boyfriend, John Scott, is also in the line up. Next time you see Ben, ask him about that.

7:42- Marcus Kruger with the first goal. Hawks lead 1-0 with 16:58 to go in the first period.

7:47- Some poor, damned soul stuck on the Blue Jackets scores a goal of his own, as Emery is apparently way the fuck up in Evanston and can't get to the other side of the net in time. 1-1.

7:51- There were so many people falling over each other there, the crease looked like a Woodstock mud orgy.

7:55- Dave Bolland is sent to detention for trippin' balls, man. Blue Jackets on the power play, and their power play is pretty much the worst athletic event in North America.

7:58- Now some unbaptized child who plays for the Blue Jackets is called for tripping, and the Hawks get their first power play!

8:01- Bolland does some other dumb shit, and BOOM, 4 on 4 hockey. We're one penalty each away from a mini Gus Macker tourney!

8:05- Every time Pat Foley says "Wysniewski", I hear "whiskey dick".

8:06- Eddie Olzcek: "I want every body to look at this." Eddie O ALWAYS does this. Listen, I get teaching me something about the game, but now you're just handing out assignments. You're not my geometry teacher, Eddie. You're actually much prettier.

8:08- Apparently, just before the game, the Hawks went out and got "THUG LIFE 4 LIFE" tattoos. Toews to the penalty box.

8:10- Sweet original recipe fuck, did the Hawks just get back from The Gathering of the Juggalos or something?

8:11- Boland gets lose on a breakaway, throws in a short-handed goal. 2-1 Hawks.

8:13- First period over. And while the Hawks are acting fine young sociopaths, the Blue Jackets look like those kids in the orphanage who are too old to believe in adoption anymore. They're just broken, and may never know true love.

8:22- Gonna hop to a new thread for the second period, just to keep these things from being as long as Patrick Kane's playoff mullet.

Illinois Fighting Illini @ Penn Sate Nittany Lions

2:23- What the fuck is a Nittany Lion?

2:24- Illinois comes in 6 and 2- starting out 6 and 0. Penn State is undefeated. Fellow Illini, we are now fully engaged in the long slouch toward the Texas Bowl.

2:27- Goddamn, that Yale/Colombia game looks AWESOME. #Sentencesthathaven'tbeenusedsince1925

2:28- I like to think that some third-string nobody line man who doesn't even like football but is only on the team because his father had a dad-boner for JoePa heard about the snow today and thought he'd finally gotten out of it, like a kid praying for a snow day before a big exam. Joke's on you, pussy!

2:29- BTW, "dad-boners" are not sexual. They're about respect, and self-determination, and a firm handshake.

2:34- Joe Paterno hasn't seen snow like this since he crossed the Delaware with General Washington.

2:35- I am damn glad we got the "Joe Paterno is old" joke out of the way so early.

2:37- Silas Redd vs. Whitney Mercilus? I think that was a Star Wars/Harry Potter crossover.

2:38- Apparently, Paterno is not on the sideline for this, he's watching from a booth upstairs. Mentally, nothing will be different.

2:42- Jason Ford runs for a gain of I-don't-know. He looks like the fat kid from the Cosby show that time he stole candy from Rudy and darted out of the house. (This sounds like a Cosby show plot, right?)

2:48- The shot of JoePa up in the stands, looking down silently at the game, is kind of sad, like he's so old he's being separated from the game he loves.

2:39- On the other hand, seeing so much of the coaching staff up in a heated tower while the players work in the snow really nicely underlines all of the NCAA's "student athletes"/Dancing Bears bullshit.

2:55- What exactly is JoePa doing up there? At least the other guys they show are talking into their headsets, or looking over paperwork, or covering up NCAA violations, or something. He looks like he's just watching football in a cozy room

2:56- Pay no attention to the blogger saying that while sitting under a blanket.

2:57- I hope that if JoePa has to challenge a play, he throws the flag from way the fuck up there. And that it hits some soro-stitute right in the gob.

2:58- Dear every college marching band and fandom in the nation- What the fuck, did the White Stripes just release a sheet music version of their catalog? Why did you all pick up "Seven Nation Army" at once? C'mon, college is a time for wild hedonistic experimentation, don't all just go playing the same song from MY freshman year of college. You should be playing Nicki Manaj or something. "Anti-Folk", whatever the fuck that is.

3:01- Penn State shanks a field goal.

3:02- I'm just saying, see, I actually watch these games! I TOTALLY get football.

3:06- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. one of the broadcasters (I don't know the college football guys, because I don't hate them as much) says he can't blame the weather for this. But I dunno, this game is looking sloppy. If it was just the Illini, it'd be one thing- that's pretty much what they do in the first quarter, try to turn me into the Incredible Hulk- but Penn State hasn't looked great so far, either.

3:10- ESPN on ABC's in-studio guy, on the Oklahoma State game- "First one to 50 wins." What the bitch? Do you think you're presenting highlights for some kind of really ambitious pick-up basketball league?

3:12- So far, this game is televised HPV. When's the last time an offense even crossed the line of scrimmage?

3:16- The GoDaddy ads are so shamelessly creepy, I feel filthy even for not turning off the TV and feeding the homeless immediately when they come on.

3:18- Reilly O'Toole enters the game for Illinois at QB, fresh off of his stint bothering Leopold Bloom in "Ulysses".

3:25- Jesus christ, the Illini offense may has well put the guy carrying the ball in a different colored shirt. It could be bright yellow and have "USELESS" written on the back.

3:27- Illinois hasn't had a single first down. But they're leading the Big Ten in "Standing next to the other team when it steps on its own dick". That's why this game is still close!

3:30- Can Pen State's QB see the yellow line? Is THAT what he keeps aiming at?

3:31- The broadcasters plug "Last Man Standing". This is the first time in years that I actually believe the broadcasters would actually like the show they're plugging.


3:37- Jason Ford's impressive "fuck this letting you tackle me shit" run is completely erased by a holding penalty. DICK STATUS: SUCCESSFULLY STEPPED ON.

3:39- I'm all for more video review and instant replay- get the shit right- but there's no arguing that they slow down the action worse than having to scramble into your roommate's bedroom to find a condom.

3:42- I mean, I assume. My roommates and I all liked Star Trek, so we have no idea what it's like to have girls over.

3:43- The ABC broadcasters are bitching that the helmet-to-helmet contact wasn't called out on the review. "Isn't that in the rule book?" One of them asks, while insisting that he loves contact, he just wants the rules enforced. Well, okay, but it's also in the rule book that those kinds of things aren't eligible for review. Which yes, is fuck-tarded, but it's the NCAA, man. Bullshit hypocrisy is the coin of the realm.

3:44- And I say this as someone who would generally rather NOT have the Illini starting quarterback forced to eat pudding and watch Yo Gabba Gabba after graduation. I DON'T, particularly, care about contact or big hits. But the problem isn't these refs.

3:46- What I'm saying, Mr. ABC broadcaster- and you should totally listen to me, because I'm so objective on this issue, I don't even know your name- is that if you don't like it, grab a pitchfork dude, it's time we burned down the mission. #OccupyNCAA

3:48- Reilly O'Toole chose UofI over Wheaton College because the word "tool" is banned at Wheaton College.

3:51- Someone want to explain the rationale behind illegal formation rules to me? Seems to me like so long as the right number of players are on the field, you should get to line up your guys however you want. What am I missing?

3:52- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. THANKS FOR LETTING ME JUST CUT AND PASTE, GUYS.

3:55- As a defense attorney, I appreciate the "BEYOND ALL DOUBT" review standard.

3:57- The ruling on the field stands, and only after that announcement does the ABC broadcaster offer his opinion- agreeing, of course. Hey, I just figured out his name! It's Gutless McTittyprick.

3:59- A TD is called back on something called "illegal motion" which sounds just vague enough to be the referee's version of a TARDIS. IT'S BIGGER ON THE INSIDE!

4:00- All of Illinois football, including it's storied history and all possible futures, completely collapses in on itself on some kind of botched field goal attempt. I don't even know how, all I know is that now, Red Grange's parents never met.

4:02- There is no Illinois football team, there is only ZUUL. And yet, Penn State still can't get a frog-fucked play going, so we go into the locker rooms tied 0-0.

4:24- The broadcaster I don't like is named "Brock" because he'd pretty much have to be, wouldn't he?

4:25- Brock- "It's been an old school hit-you-in-the-mouth defense kind of game." No, it has not. I know you love contact, but this has been a coating-our-fingers-in-crisco-and-slip-sliding along kind of game. The defense hasn't been that impressive.

4:31- Illinois picks off a pass. Then Penn State picks off a pass. Now, the call on that second one is pretty clearly the official's horseshit attempt to salvage #409 for JoePa, facts be damned, but still. This game is worse than Arby's.

4:35- The other broadcaster- Blandy McUtterlyForgettable- says that JoePa told him he's had so many mutli-generational players, his biggest problem is remembering to call the current kids by their names, not their fathers. I call bullshit. JoePa doesn't fucking remember the fathers.

4:36- Penn State is short by inches on it's fourth down attempt. This game is so terrible, my cats are getting agitated.

4:37- Then again, my cats just read that Taylor Branch history of the NCAA, so they're kinda cynical about college sports in general right now.

4:39- Woah! Blandy's talking about Uncle Tupelo and Sun Volt!

4:40- Alt country references are, by far, the most interesting this about this game. Well, that and the play after play of good ol' Big Ten fuck-uppery.

4:41- Scheelhaase has gotten 2 first downs for Illinois on this drive, both with his feet. Big Ten Football: Where Forward Passes are for Fuckwits.

4:43- Then, to make me look stupid, Scheelhaase connects with Jenkins for another first down. Listen here, Prick-master General: This is my goddamn blog, and if you don't confirm the baseless accusations I make on it, I'll give you more stupid nicknames.

4:44- Scheelhaase to Spencer Harris for an Illinois TD. Blandy sing-talks a few lines of the Illinois fight song. Sweaty god in sub-tropical heaven, it's not even fun when they're biased to MY team.

4:47- Joe Posnanski:

Joe Posnanski 
This Penn State-Illinois 0-0 game is a throwback … to those days when the forward pass was illegal.
You should all read more Joe Pos. He does a body good.

4:50- I'm drinking Dr. Pepper Ten as we speak, and have no idea what's supposed to be so manly about it. I mean, I appreciate that it doesn't taste like balls, so I guess that's fine.

4:51- The great thing about football- and it's Dosteyevsky-sized rule book- is on every play, I get to say if the refs got the call right or wrong, like I actually know a single damned thing. I should have a pipe while I do it. "Mmm, yes. Truculent call, old chap. Surely was a horsecollar."

4:54- Penn State's receives appear to be wearing these when they try to catch.

4:55- Brock: "Their effort, their zeal, their want-to." Just go ahead and fuck right the fuck off, would you please?

4:57- Illinois fumbles, Penn State recovers. The crowd sings "Sandstorm" as if their team actually did anything.

4:58- See, Penn State is trying to prove me right, that's while they'll always be my favorite daughter. The ball carrier fumbles, and on the next play, the QB is sacked about 160 yards behind the line of scrimmage.

4:59- And I say "daughter" because, while either team could certainly beat me into a senseless pulp (or, as I like to call it, a "Likely Herman Cain voter"), they're both playing like girls today.

5:02- ABC, seriously, there's a whole damn quarter left? Why the fuck are you declaring the "Good Hands Play of the Game" with that much left to go?

5:03- Oh my god, I just figured out why and I feel like an idiot. All of these "play of the game" things are sponsored. The sponsors wouldn't allow them to be at the END of the game, 'cause everyone changes the channel when the clock reaches zero (unless you're a madman blogging the proceedings with the intention of complaining about the coverage).

5:04- I feel dumb for never figuring that out before. My cat is looking at me disapprovingly. Of course, she thinks it's dinner time...

5:05- Blandy: "If it's not the weather (causing this lack of offense and generally sloppy play), what is it?" Why are we eliminating the weather, Dr. Watson? It seems to me that all the dropped passes and fumbles implicate the weather pretty obviously. The ball doesn't have to be wet- when it's cold, your extremities hurt more when they're hit. It's a simpler explanation than just thinking an undefeated team and a team with an explosive pass combo forgot to pack any offense for today.

5:07- HOLY SHIT, A BLOCKED PUNT. Someday, I will see awesome shit like that and one of MY teams will be the beneficiary. But for now, I can at least appreciate it on an intellectual level. *Puffs pipe*.

5:10- Penn State is in the red zone, 3rd and 5. This is like World Series Game 6- early shitty play has lead to fairly exciting game as we get down the stretch.

5:15- What, exactly, does Whitney Mercilus get for being ESPN on ABC's "Impact Player"? Double coupons at Aldi?

5:16- McGloin fumbles, recovers, and is sacked a few yard back. I mention this because "McGloin" is a funny name.

5:17- Penn State hits one of those field goal things, and we're 7-3 Illinois. But if we counted the points for ShitHeel State's Fightin' Fuckups, they'd be at 43. Too bad they're suspended for recruiting violations.

5:22- Scheelhaase scrambles, crosses the fifty, moves the chains. He actually is pretty fun to watch.

5:24- I don't care about anything else, football players look fucking cool when you can see their breath.

5:25- All these shots of the offensive coordinators are awesome, they're so grainy and shadowed. It's like the only known photo of some financial terrorist on the FBI's most wanted list.

5:26- 3 minutes to go, Penn State's gonna get the ball on the 20. That should be exciting. You hear me college football? I SAY IT SHOULD BE EXCITING.

5:30- Wow, Penn State had decided it wants to complete a few passes.

5:31- "Encroachment", huh? Okay, I have no choice but to believe you.

5:32- I never understand the two minute drill offenses. I mean, if you can do this, if you have a QB how can move the ball down the field this fast, shouldn't you whip it out a few times in the first half? I understand not doing it in like the early fourth quarter. But why did Penn State play nuts-in-a-vice-ball for three quarters?

5:34- Granted, I know nothing about football, but it seems like that's a "have to foul" situation. But hey, I think there's such a thing as a "have to maim" situation.


5:37- ABC goes to a fucking commercial, because heaven forbid a football game ever be allowed to fucking progress naturally. People who bitch about how slow baseball is need to take a flying leap up they own ass.

5:40- TD, Penn State. We live in a fallen world.

5:41- Seriously, how come they couldn't move the ball ten feet for three quarters, and then were able to move a billion yards in a minute? I smell bullshit err...somewhere.

5:42- The review confirms the ruling, and the crowd goes nuts. Because all of those future dairy inspectors think getting a call confirmed is some kind of personal accomplishment.

5:43- Which, graded on the curve of their sad, forgotten little lives, I guess it's the closest thing to.

5:45- The heir to the Douchington family fortune in the stands furiously waves his hands to indicate that there was no catch there. The referee thanks him profusely, because he needs some second year psych major's help in doing his fucking job.

5:48- We can't get the refs some fucking iPhones so they can just catch this real quick themselves?

5:50- I guess the fear is they'd just be sending pictures of their junk to each other. 

5:52- The clock is so awesomely arbitrary in football. Different things stop it at different times, and it hitting 0 does not necessarily mean, y'know, the game is over. Hilarious.

5:53- Well, let's go, Dimke.


5:55- Don't bother coming home, Dimke.

5:55- I think it's a little hinky that JoePa gets credit for 409 wins without even going outside for the game. The only person on Penn State who didn't absolutely try to abort himself was Moye, but this is all going to be about the fucking legend of some guy who hasn't been in active control of any aspect of his program- and by "program", I mean "bowels"- since Kidd 'N Play were the new hotness.

5:58- I'm content to end this one on another mean-spirited "JoePa is OLD!" joke. See you tonight, for the Blackhawks game.

Programming Notes

Later today, or maybe tomorrow, I'll write a pretentious "What does it all mean?" wrap for the World Series. SPOILER ALERT: I'm not angry. I can't really focus on it right now, 'cause, y'know, I'm not angry.

In about half an hour, I'll start watching Illinois @ Penn State. I have high hopes- college football has WAY more hypocritical bullshit than other sports, and I'm an Illini, so when they start playing like boiled lobsters, I'll be amusingly upset for you.

Bottom line, I'm going to keep doing this. I think a few people like this, and most importantly, I'm one of them. So let's go.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Bitter End

10:04- I might be accidentally deleting Mike's comments. I might be doing it on purpose. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, AND EVERYTHING SUCKS TERRIBLY.

10:05- Joe Buck is a blowjob with teeth.

10:06- Tim McCarver is human tennis elbow.

10:07- This game is the Anti-Batman.

10:08- Buck...shut up about the goddamn contract, would you? Here, here's what let's do- print out a copy of Pujol's CURRENT contract. Check the ending date on it. Double check. THen roll up the contract and shove it up your ass.

10:09- I can't wait for Holland to face actually useful fucking batters next season, so every goddamn small-sample-loving jackass can say, "Wha happened? HE WAS AWESOME FOR A GAME AND A THIRD!!!"

10:12- Ryan Theriot is the most competent fielder in the game. WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING BIZZARO-BALL I DON'T UNDERSTAND WORLD ANYMORE.


10:16- BTW, Fox, I'm so pissed at Buck and McCarver, I'm ANTI-BUYING all the products you're advertising.

10:17- Except "The New Girl", because Zooey Dechenal is delightful, and she had the balls to sing the anthem with a sentiment other than that of a Toby Keith song.

10:18- Tim McCarver is trying to get me to turn this game off. He told me so. But I WILL NOT LET HIM WIN.

10:19- ALLEN ME!!!


10:25- I need another drink. Beer, whiskey, or cooking sherry? FIRST PERSON TO GCHAT ME GETS TO CALL IT.

10:25- Pelzer calls it. Sherry it is.

10:27- The only thing McCarver's ever been right about is that Molina is slow as shit. Watching him run is like watching one of those slowed-down Olsen Twin videos, complete with the mounting feeling of dread.

10:29- Since Ron Washington is Grown Up Urkel, the Cardinals decided to answer the question "Whatever happened to predictability?" Turns out, it's been wrapped around Furcal's bat this WHOLE TIME.

10:32- I'm really excited for a new Parks & Rec tonight!

10:35- Say what you will about Yankees fans, but they would've kicked somebody's ass by now.

10:36- Boston fans would be sulking.

10:37- Cubs "fans" would've been too busy making out to notice the score, then asked their girlfriend is she wanted to go downstairs and "Warm up"

10:38- "Warm up" means SEXXXY TIMES IN WRIGLEY FIELD BATHROOM. 'Cause ladies love the trough.

10:39: Dodgers fans would've left hours ago.

10:40: Marlins fans would've NOT APPLICABLE.

10:41- White Sox fans would get out their aggression with a vigorous round of red-lining their neighborhoods.

10:41:30: I HATE the "play of the game" being displayed before the game is over. Because if the lead changes, then the play that changes the lead is CLEARLY the play of the game, y'know?

And because even though I always SAY that, it never fucking happens.

10:42- Right now, if the Blue Jays were in this series, the fans would be happy since because of the exchange rate, the Blue Jays would actually be ahead.

10:43- Goddammit, Buck is infuriating. He was SO excited about Theriot striking out there.

10:44- And, okay, Pujols gets a hit. But for Buck, the first thing he has to mention is that it might be Pujols' last hit as a Cardinal. Seriously, this is a consistent fucking pattern from Buck, and I don't get it. Did he leave STL under a dark cloud or something?

10:46- Mets fans would've beaten up TWO guys by now.

10:47- Twins fans would be making the winners a nice hot dish for victory, because losing is no excuse for bad manners.

10:48- Pirates fans would just be shocked as shit to get this far.

10:49- Nolan Ryan is one bad pitch from jumping up, taking the ball himself, and finishing this shit off. And he probably could, too.

10:50- Rockies fans would be fine. They got all that fresh air, the lovely views, they're healthy, and they've got Tebow. Life goes on, y'know?

10:51- Giants fans would be confused because win or lose, Brian Wilson is gonna do his performance art bullshit, and even Castro Street doesn't understand all of that.

10:52- Brewers fans would be drunk, proving they are smarter than us all (Well, except me. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE sob.)

10:53- I have no idea what an Astros fan would do. Mike?

10:54- Orioles fans would blame the owner.




10:55- I swear to god, my TV's volume isn't really loud at all, but my ears are ringing. RINGING, I SAY TO THEE.

10:57- Shit, my vow to spitefully avoid anything Fox is advertising means I'll never get to see Captain America now.

11:00- Well, hope was fun while it lasted.

11:01- I'm just going to keep documenting this - Buck is SO happy that Hamilton got his first HR this WS.

11:05- Uh oh, spelling errors are creeping into my typing...

11:!2- Tim McCarver is always wrong. Ergo, Loshe offered at that one.

11:14- I'm finding my way to New Drunkington, PA pretty fast (with the help of MAPQUEST! Because it is 2002 in my head), but goddammit it all to sweaty Republican hell if baseball isn't just fucking grand.

11:20- Pujols gets a free pass to first base. Berkman up. Colby scared, so very scared.

11:21- Pelztovitch try to convince Colby to give up hope, like Cubs fan. Like common, drunken Cubs fan. But Colby is drunk in his own way, isn't he?

11:23- For the record, Washington intentionally put the winning run on base. Dumb. And forgotten, if he wins.

11:24- Baseball is the best thing ever.

11:24- Buck- "They just. Won't. Go. Away." And my friends, he is SOOOO pissed as he says that.


11:27- John Jay is tending in Chicago! That hasn't happened since the exreceble Jay's treaty of the late 1700s!

11:30- Jeremy Pelzer- "Obviously spotting them two runs hasn't been a big deal. Two runs is the new shut out."






11:47- Dear every other human activity: This is why you're second best.

11:48- I will be driving back from Westchester, IL, during the game tomorrow. If I crash and die, I want you all to eat my brain, for it will give you power.

11:49- Jeremy Pelzer: "Texas hasn't seen choking this hard since 'Debbie Does Dallas'."


12:05- Words are for brick-fucked carpet dicks. I WILL SEE YOU WINNING MEN OF VALOR TOMORROW.

7th Inning Kvetch

11:45 - If history has taught us one thing, and judging from the state of our country it's not entirely sure history has taught us anything, it is that tonight East St. Louis shall burn.

11:43 - That is not dead which can eternal lie.  And with strange substitutions even the Rangers lead may die. 

11:42 - From Brian Richards:  "They need to play the evil laugh from Mr. Freeze right now at Busch Stadium."


11:39 - Hey Freese, "chill out."

11:38 - I will not be satisfied until TLR puts a fielder in at relief.  Or maybe he's intentionally drawing this out until we can't blame him for warming himself up on the mound?

11:33 - Okay seriously, do bullpens have more roster spots than NBA teams?

11:30 the second - Hey, a 1 out single.  How many times have we seen that tonight?

11:30 - I guess we need a new "Play of the Game".

11:26 - YAY!  WE TIED!  That's enough for now guys.  Ground it to third and let's play some DEFENSE!

"11:21- Pelztovitch try to convince Colby to give up hope, like Cubs fan. Like common, drunken Cubs fan. But Colby is drunk in his own way, isn't he?"
-> In S(ovie)t Louis, alcohol drink Colby!

11:20 - Only God could write the kind of poetry that sees a Texas native beat the Texas team...

11:18 - In honor of Craig's palpitations I am renaming the AL the Angina League.

11:14 - Okay, I think Craig's got it.  Nolan Ryan is about to come out there and finish this off himself.  That or TLR's gonna warm Ryan up in the bullpen for the Cards.

11:12 - Craig, does TLR pinch hit Pujols for the pitcher and just say fuck it, let him pitch in the 11th?

11:11 - I think at this point you put starter jackets on the baserunners.

11:10 - I'm glad Jay's mom let him stay up late for this game.

10:58 - And Pujols decides to join the game.

10:57 - I'm going to take credit for this, seeing as how I posted a youTube clip of the rally squirrel to a Rangers' fan's facebook wall.  I see no reason not to.

"10:53- I have no idea what an Astros fan would do. Mike?"
-> Astros fans have never been in a situation where we didn't get swept in the Series.  So they'd probably lynch an innocent man.  Is Lidge available?  I would say riot, but half the state is on fire as it is.

10:52 - McCarver wants Napoli to drop the mask, take the ball, and finish this batter off himself.

10:51 - SERIOUSLY DUDE.  "Ice to see you again."

"10:44- And, okay, Pujols gets a hit. But for Buck, the first thing he has to mention is that it might be Pujols' last hit as a Cardinal. Seriously, this is a consistent fucking pattern from Buck, and I don't get it. Did he leave STL under a dark cloud or something?"
-> He lost his buhymen in STL.  It's kinda like losing your heart in San Francisco, but involves blood stained undies.

10:46 - I was gonna say if Berkman didn't swing for the fences on that last pitch I'd eat Craig's hat.  I'm glad the pitcher took that out of the equation.  That hat is nasty.

10:44 - Well goddamn.

10:43 - For the record, rally squirrel hats are awesome.

10:29 - Wow, that was like a 30 minute make-out session that ends with the girl excusing herself to put on a french maid outfit, getting down on her knees, opening her mouth, and then you punch yourself in the dick.

10:28 - Craig's heart beat right now.  Over/under 120 bpm?

10:25 - I think Joe Buck is offended that the Cardinals insist on playing 9 innings.

10:23 - Seriously, bc that means at least once a game the catcher is going to call for a shot at your head.  Freese could set a record for concussions AND on-base percentage.

10:22 - If I were Freese everytime I got to the batter's box I would tell the catcher "Ice to see you."  EVERY.  FUCKING.  TIME.  (That might be the Cane & Ebel talking)

10:19 - I gotta side with Craig on this one.  The difference in excitement levels with which the announcers announced that HR vs the last Rangers HR was tangible.

10:17 - I kinda wish the announcers would do the same thing fans do when they think the game is over.

"10:08- Buck...shut up about the goddamn contract, would you? Here, here's what let's do- print out a copy of Pujol's CURRENT contract. Check the ending date on it. Double check. THen roll up the contract and shove it up your ass."
-> I did threaten to get a Pujols jersey of he came to the Cubs.  Craig threatened to burn it...while I wore it.

10:02- Wal-Mart, way are all your commercials predicated on your customers being idiots? I mean, I know WHY. But c'mon, hide that shit, company's coming over.

10:01- This guy singing "God Bless America" is fucking awesome. GET HIM A CONTRACT.

10:00- Cardinals fans, stop being so fucked-by-vanilla-ice-cream nice. THROW SOME BATTERIES. THROW A CHAIR. THROW A STRIKE, SOMEONE SHOULD.

9:59- So gifted at finding, what I don't like the most...

9:59 - Michelle just sent her condolences regarding the fact that Dotel is pitching.  (MW)

9:58- *long sip of whiskey* You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long...

9:56- And I always find, yeah I always find something wrong...

9:55- Oh god...the swirling darkness....(CWC)

9:52- Uncharted 3 gives me a reason to continue living. (CWC)

9:51- OH GOOD, LARUSSA'S GONNA MAKE SOME SWITCHES. Maybe the fucking Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy will pitch next. (CWC)

9:49: Buck: "Berkman hits a home run to right field. BUT LET ME TELL YOU MORE ABOUT THE ONE GAME DEREK HOLLAND DIDN'T PITCH LIKE A WELSHMAN!!!" (CWC)


9:44- I'm pretty sure the Rangers are up now, but Buck and McCarver are just going to say that the Rangers do everything right no matter what the video shows, so I'm not certain. (CWC)

9:43- McCarver: "He blocks the base...then he breaks the tie." Well, Tim, for you, being half wrong is actually an improvement.

9:42- Buck: "You have to assume that Holiday injured his hand." I do not. I can just asume that Holiday sucks, as he has this series. (CWC)

9:38- Buck, seriously, Holland has pitched other games than Game 4. (CWC)

9:37- The worst thing about baseball is that Ron Washington has done three dozen stupid moves, and they'll all get wiped away if the Rangers win. But LaRussa's bullpen phonefuckery will be remembered forever. Which, it should. But so should Wash's complete inability to use Ogando correctly. (CWC)

9:34 - I'm going to assume that was the Rangers being like "Hey guys sorry about that 3rd base business.  We can't give you the out back, so how about we just load it back up and call it squares?"  (MW)

9:33- The ball squirts passed Napoli. No throw as the runners advance. The third base ump calls Freese out. McCarver agrees, and passes Napoli a mash note after study hall.

9:31- McCarver, suck Napoli's dick all you want- you can even pop out your dentures if that makes it easier- but Holiday got his hand around that foot before the tag.

9:30- Because if so, Okay.

9:29- DOES NO ONE WANT TO WIN THIS DAMNED GAME? Are you pie-fucked shit-badgers having so much fun, you don't want this to end?

9:27- That was called a ball? Either the ump is wearing fun-house lens glasses, or I am.

9:24 - The Rangers let the bases load without the ball leaving the infield and the Cardinals replaced their baseball gloves with boxing gloves.  Thanks a lot Obama.  This is what socialism looks like.

9:21- It's like the scene in Back to the Future where Biff gets the almanac, only rape-ier.

9:20 - Craig, your baseball knowledge exceeds mine.  You know the obscure rules.  What happens when the number of cumulative errors between sides exceeds the number of innings played?

World Series Game 6: Thread Three

8:26- I will just cold start deleting. I'm a mad man who's team is playing like cockless lemurs and OH LOOK, USELESS MCSTRIKEOUT IS UP TO BAT. Don't test me.

8:29- Did we switch to blurnsball while I wasn't looking?

8:30- Did I switch to bourbon while you weren't looking? Why...yes, I did.

8:31- Matt Holliday wasn't in the same stadium as the base, he was just cold runnin' tackling drills. His desire to hurt people pleases me.

8:33- That one almost hit the fifth Molina brother!

8:35- Dear baseball- Damn girl, you're fucking fantastic.

8:36- McCarver: "The Rangers did look a guh-...nevermind." DID HE FINALLY STROKE OFF? HAVE WE WON? CAN THE EWOKS FINALLY SING "YUB YUB"???

8:37- After reformatting his hard drive (by pouring hydrogen peroxide in his ear), McCarver finally gets his thought out: "The Rangers did look a gift horse in the mouth." Listen, defensive lapses in this inning, but I don't think that's from them being overly critical of someone else's generosity.

8:38- After striking out, Punto raises the bat high into the air like he's going to smash it on the ground, then doesn't. CONSISTENCY! Even in rage, he can't put wood on anything! #Sob

8:41- Below- in one of the several mongrel threads that seemed to have formed tonight- Mike Whitlow notes my wild mood swings. This is true, I'm quite losing my mind. But seriously, baseball is fantastic, and this game- for all the soul-felching pain of it- is so much fun to watch.


8:43- Freese should have his NLCS MVP award taken away, then shoved up his ass.

8:44- BRB, I've got to go count backwards from 1000 by 7s and think about warm brownies.



8:48- Twitter is, all of a sudden, talking about the 1919 Black Sox. Guys, isn't, "They're just little turd-monglers out there" a simpler explanation?

8:53- To be fair to Lewis, he didn't look any worse than Holliday has with 2 outs and RISP. #OccupyLeftField

8:57- My favorite part of a baseball game is when there's three whole outs before the Cardinals' fuckdickery can cost them another run.

9:00- Lance Lynn looks like the guy who knows the age of consent laws in every state.

9:06- Rally towels are played out (and apparently, ineffective). Fans in the STL should throw feathers instead.

9:12- That last "strike" wasn't in the same place as the previous pitch- it was further outside the strike zone. Horseshit.

9:14- Berkman's playing like that diamond in his hand is about to start flashing.

9:16- McCarver: "The reason Colby Lewis is winning this game is...first pitch strikes." Are you sure? 'Cause I have this little theory that a DROPPED INFIELD FLY PUTTING A RUNNER ON WITH NO OUTS has a lot more to do with it.

9:18- McCarver says Lewis is "wearing Holliday out". I thought CW was the longer an AB goes on, the more it swings to the batter?

9:19- My lips to some horrible prankster demon's ears, I suppose.

9:20- Hey, David Freese, remember how you got your dick stuck in a butter churn on that popup? No one else will if you take care of business here.

9:23- Buck- "This is when the national passtime is at its best." No, this is when it most resembles my hated South Park ep where the boys keep trying to intentionally lose games.