Anaheim Ducks @ Chicago Blackhawks

This blog's goal tonight is to make Jeremy Pelzer love hockey. So, to get him up to speed, some players to watch tonight:

Patrick Kane, Blackhawks- Patrick Kane's BAC waivers between .37 and .68. His goal this season is to get it up to .69 because heh heh heh. He's generally simply an offensive weapon, but will try to check every once in a while, which is adorable.

Ryan Getzlaf, Ducks- Probably the biggest threat on the Ducks, though his entire line is balls. I would recommend that the 'Hawks do everything they can to contain this line because I'm just SOOOOOO FUCKING SMART AT HOCKEY.

Duncan Keith, Blackhawks- The anchor of the 'Hawks' defense. He won the NHL's best defensman trophy in '10 (they call this the Norris Trophy, 'cause they name something after everyone. My favorite is the Lady Byng, 'cause what the fuck kind of tough hockey guy would want THAT trophy?) Then, in 2011, he played like finely granulated elephant shit. Let's see what happens next!

Cam Fowler, Ducks- Just because, oh my god, they really did it, those bastards put the kid named "Fowler" on the Ducks.

Your announcers are Pat Foley and Eddie Olczyk. Foley's kind of a legend, but he's losing a step. Olczyk's kind of a dweeb, and needs a few more vowels. They will tell "you young hockey players" what to do. A LOT.

Alright, so that's where we are. Let's begin.

7:42- Sometimes, hockey doesn't lend itself to my bullshittery as much as baseball or football. There's not nearly as many stoppages in play.

7:44- Foley just called Teamu Selanne "the ageless wonder". This is not true. Selanne has quite a bit of age, and it shows. Fucker's just stubborn.

7:54- Jesus' tits, my doppeganger is in section 300 at the United Center. I hope he eats a disgusting amount of hot dogs and wrecks a UC bathroom for all future generations.

7:57- Jamal Mayers got pounded in his backside like a man.

8:38- YEAH MAYERS, TEAR HIS SOUL OUT.

8:39- Fights are never cool enough to warrant my yelling.

8:44- Jonathan Toews doesn't care who's asshole he has to fist, he wants a goddamn goal.

8:47- HOLY SHITTING FUCKS. Get that man a drink!

8:50- Reflexively, I vomit punches whenever an announcer says "he doesn't show up on the score sheet, but..." But in Hockey, I think it's a little more warranted. We just don't have all the statistics to describe everything in hockey yet. Plus, it's really completely a team sport. But it's weird, because there IS a SABR-esque movement going on in the sport right now. I'm just not sure there's a Bill James yet.

9:12- FUCK YES, LITTLE KID. Way to nail the shoot-the-puck contest!

10:09- I'd love to watch just one hockey game this year that doesn't end in the fucking flip-cup contest.

10:12- FINALLY, Hawks win the goddamn basic skills contest. Nice to see Kaner do it, too. I have no idea what that does to his stats, though I guess he had a good night already anyway.

10:13- Sorry about the lengthy absences. Still getting the hang of this as it relates to various, more active sports.

10:14- the UC organist's version of "Chelsea Daggar" is absolutely adorable.

10:15- Sarah Kustok, I don't care how dead your parents are, you're just lovely.

10:17- To make it up to you, I'm going to run my bitchings into the postgame show.

10:22- What are the odds that Kane has nailed Sarah Kustok? Gotta be even, right? I mean, if not leaning TOWARDS.

10:24- Kane was very self-deprecating in his post-game interview, but no one was biting on his jokes. WHAT THE FUCK, MADHOUSE, ARE YOU ALL MADE OF STONE?

10:25- 7 Penalties is pretty much exactly what I expected when they picked up Daniel Carcillo.

10:26- There's a Jose Cuervo ad on. I have no idea why hockey has more ads for the hard liquors oh wait yes I do.

10:31- See, now, here's the commercial with the douchey guy calling me a pussy for not buying 1800 Tequila. Whattup with that? Television, I just want to watch a hockey game, why do you have to emasculate me?

10:33- Joel Quenneville looks like he should be a Ron Swanson-level badass. But he's such a nice, soft spoken guy. What's the fun in that?

10:36- At least Steve Konroyd is up front that losing a couple shootouts isn't a big deal. It's such a bullshit way to end the game. "Hey, you battled for 65 minutes playing a team sport with set rules. We couldn't determine a winner. SO, let's line up and play a completely different game, one-on-one, to figure it out."

10:44- Alright, that's a night. Enjoy your Theopolooza, Chicago!