Sunday, October 23, 2011

Chicago Bears Bay Buccaneers? Kinda? Fuck it, it's the London Game

I think, for the purposes of this blog, I'm just as happy when the Bears are shitty and dysfunctional as when they win. So, this season, everything's coming up Milhouse. But the London stuff should be pretty fascinating. If I'm wrong, well, to fuck with it, I recorded last night's WS game, and I could watch that shit over and over.


12:01- Why, hello, Ketherine Jenkins.

12:06- I assume you didn't buy tickets to this thing unless you already know/understand football, but jesus christ, there are so many rules in this sport, I can't imagine your average Brit is going to have any idea what's going on.

12:10- I completely forgot that Benn was on Tampa Bay. I suppose he's used to broken-up passes.

12:17- Matt Forte is a fairly good runner. If you were going to break his game down into its various elements and rank what he does best, I think you'd have to say that running is his ffffffffffffffffffffff-

-avorite part of football.

12:20: Franz Ferdinand! Unexpected choice, Fox. You have pleased me.

12:35- Yup, that's the Bears we were expecting.

12:36- That...not so much.

12:37- OH CRUEL FATE. The football gods are mocking my love of Safeties.

PS- I think Safeties should actually TAKE AWAY points from the team. It'd work out to the same thing, but provide more CRUSHING SHAME for the failing team.

12:42- Man, it's great to see two disciplined, professional teams engaged in a tight, efficient struggle.

In other news, this game is fine.

12:57- Those are the gayest Bears costumes I've ever seen. And I lived three blocks off of North Halsted.

OTOH, fuck yeah, Cards fan.

1:04- On some of these plays, Cutler actually looks pretty stable, even though the entire goddamn world is falling apart around him, House-of-Usher style.

1:06- Now, be careful, Bears fans- Don't go thinking Roy Williams is actually worth a fuck all of a sudden.

1:12- Goose- can I call you "Goose"?- the new kickoff rules are pretty much the ONLY rule change sticking in ANYONE's mind, and we've already had a dozen different articles analyzing it. Read a goddamn book, don't just wait for an empty Goodell sound byte, you human McRib.

1:14- That was really the most useless interview ever, and I'm not sure it was even Fox's fault. Goodell just saying NOTHING. He says NEGATIVE things. He UNSAYS things that other people had told me. I know LESS about the National Football League than I did when that interview started. What the fuck is a lateral, again?

1:30- And that's the half. Forte's looked good, both QBs have had their moments, but both teams have been plenty sloppy, too. EXPERT FUCKING ANALYSIS, RIGHT?

2:16- Oh, look at me, I'm the Chicago Bears, I don't want to lose this ballgame, I'm so cool.

2:19- WBBM is obsessed with the idea that British fans REALLY like kicks, no matter what the situation is. I guess that's possible, but I'm not sure I'm hearing it, and it makes British fans sound fuck-tarded. So I'm suspicious.

2:30- Fox is talking about how Brian Urlacher looks right into the QB's eyes. They say this means he "reads" the eyes and knows right where the pass is going. I say he takes over the QB's mind through the eyes and forces him to turnover the ball. On pain of murder-death.

2:32- Jesus Christ, what we really need here is a couple lengthy rulings and challenges and reviews to really slow this game down. The Brits'll love that shit.

2:33- Though I suppose if you want to avoid unnecessary, fuck-tarded challenges that do nothing but piss off everyone involved, you don't send Lovie Smith, do you?

2:35- Supreme Court Justices have delivered their opinions in less time.

2:46- OH GOD, Fox, seriously, no one wants to see your fucking vacation photos. Fuck.

2:58- Alright, well, this has become an interesting football game. Let's see where this goes.

3:05- "Here, guys, you deserve a whole new set of downs to try again with." -Talib.

3:10- "Thanks, but no thanks." -The Bears.

3:18- And so, there we go. As an initial post...well, this game was too boring to really matter. But hey, we got the first one out of the way, and what's more important is we did it TOGETHER.

See you tonight for the WS, where I will scream, cry, swallow my tongue, laugh, go into diabetic shock, and, god willing, learn to love again.

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