Sunday, October 23, 2011

2011 World Series Game 4: St. Louis Cardinals @ Texas Rangers

7:05- Clearly, Albert Pujols' problems with the media are taking a toll on him.

7:06- I'm listening to KMOX, as Tim McCarver's restraining order against me prevents even LISTENING to him.

7:07- Why did Zooey Deschenal dress like a slutty Chicago Blackhawk? Has she been reading my dream journal?

7:13- Jeremy, upon hearing about this blog: "in other words,"

7:19- The Cards' streak of striking first in the Post-season- an utterly meaningless, but focused-upon stat- ends here.

7:20- Mike Shannon: "It's a long way between here and Tiperary." Me: Sure, but what the fucking fuck are you talking about?

7:36- I'm not watching Fox- has Joe Buck made a "Mr. Holland's Opus" joke yet? That's probably a little too cultured for Tim McCarver.

7:55- I think I'd deal with my team losing a lot better if I didn't have to hear the other team's fans, y'know, experiencing joy.

8:13- As it turns out, when your team is losing 1-0 into the fourth inning, you don't have much to say about the game.

8:14- Wait, seriously, what's up with how late anything's actually happening in these games? Even Pujols' watermelon-smashing machine routine didn't start until the sixth inning or so* last night. Did the players not account for daylight savings time?

8:20: Mike Shannon- "He could change the lightbulbs up there, if he wanted." - on David Murphy at first base. WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY MEAN?

8:21- BTW, if Mike Shannon says three things in one night that leave me frightened and confused, we all get a free breakfast burrito at Sonic tomorrow. Or Candyman comes out of the mirror and murders us.  Something. Let's find out together!

8:23- "Mitch Moreland" is the name of your state senator who only got elected 'cause he drove his pickup truck around the district.

8:30- This game is flying by. Do all the players a bonfire at Kinky Friedman's house to get to?

8:31- Yeah, that's the best I can do in terms of Texas jokes.

8:46- So awesome- Mike Shannon is trying to explain "Stand Up to Cancer". John Rooney is, y'know, ACTUALLY explaining it. 

9:01- The phrase "needless to say" has never stopped Mike Shannon from actually SAYING it.

9:06- I feel like this is WAY too late to pull Jackson, but at the same time, he'd only given up one run until now. He just looked shitty doing it.

9:08- Why does The Ballpark at Arlington play "Minnie the Moocher"? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Texas, I'll never understand you.

9:09- Also, "The Ballpark at Arlington" is a fucking fuck-tarded name for a ballpark. What the fuck, Texas, you wouldn't know what place you were talking about if you gave it an actual fucking name? No, you wouldn't, because you're the doorknob-humpers who keep electing Bushes and Perrys to your dumb shit grab-assing offices.

9:10- it's possible that Mike "I Can't Read" Napoli homered in the middle of my last update. This may have affected my emotional state.

9:11- Rooney: "The crowd is quiet now, after celebrating the home run by Napoli." Of course, because Texas fans don't actually give a baker's fuck about baseball. They're already back to thinking about the future gas-station attendants that make up their local high school's football teams.

9:17- Also: FUCK.


9:19 (I'm assuming)- OH GOD, WHY DO YOU TRUNK-FUCK ME SO?

9:21- Dear Assholes in Red: This isn't 200-crutch-fucking-6. This pitcher can make a throw to first without the ball flying into his own fucking armpit.


9:24- I hate everything, and will never feel joy again. That being said, "God Bless America" is by far my favorite of the traditional "Yay America!" songs. WAY better than the national anthem. Yeah, I said it. I don't give a fuck anymore.

9:27- So...cold...

9:28- John Rooney, why are you still talking about "Minnie the Moocher"? Did Shannon cough his "just keep saying dumb shit things until someone thinks you've been calling games long enough to get into the hall of fame" germs on you?

9:46- Ryan Theriot isn't very good at baseball.

9:59- Someday, I will tell my kids where I was when I watched this game. I will tell them, "I was on the rage train to Angerville. Population: Fuck."

10:14- You fools! It was always our intention to look like bitches in Game 4, so as to increase your eventual humiliation!

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