Thursday, October 27, 2011

Snark Attack: Mikelow Responds to Colby Watching Game 6.

"7:12- It seems like the Rangers don't suffer many double plays. I have no stats to back that up, but it's not stopping McCarver. "

Nothing stops McCarver.  He's like the Terminator, if the Terminator were allowed the one emotion of smug self-satisfaction.

7:22 - My mom and my roommate discussing the virtue and vice of a nude Ashton Kutcher on 3.5 Men does trump any sports commentary.

7:24 - I think Pujols is tryign to bookend his World Series performance.  Having already had the best hitting performance in a game possibly ever, he decided to loop around for most ineffective performance in a series.

7:25 - Craig, you may wish to pay me to shit talk your team.  My snark : Berkman :: spinach : Popeye.  (bonus points for SAT formatting?)

7:27 - Michelle to my mom:  "I'll take you over Danny when I come home from work."  This has nothing to do with the Cardinals or the Rangers, but I still felt like sharing.

7:28 - I don't know if Rick Perry is single-handedly to blame for my rooting against the Rangers in this series.  I will say this:  he certainly isn't helping.

7:31 - I intend to #OccupyTowerHeist.

"7:29- First inning over. Time for four innings of fine, beachwood-aged misery before the next runs."
-> I said the same thing about the Browns game this Sunday.  If they refuse to play proper football I refuse to use the proper football terminology.

"7:33- Whitlow, your mom's around? Can I come over? "
-> My mom:  hahaha sure!  (#occupymytears)

7:42 - Texas A&M is the lovable janitor that isn't that smart but you kinda feel sorry for him.  University of Texas is the yuppie middle-management douche bag that hasn't accomplished much but has accomplished just enough to have an over developed sense of self and parks his BMW straddling 2 parking spaces so you won't scratch it.  Texas Tech is the meth dealer that fucks up the cook and blows up the trailer park.  The Rangers, as a professional ambassador for Texas, represent all of the above.

"7:40- Another left field would have a chance on that ball. But Matt Holliday has the legs of an Easter Island statue..."
->  Leave John Scott's skating abilities out of this.  Ben doesn't want you dissing his boyfriend.

7:45 - Danny Bass in a pink tutu.  Think about it.

"7:45- HA HA HA sob sob sob. "
->  (1) #occupythecardinalsbullpen
->  (2) I had to explain this to Michelle.

7:51 - "It's the World Series, how many other chances are you gonna have?"  I think this question was asked non-rhetorically.

7:55 -  This just happened:
Michelle - Are you rooting for the Cardinals just so you can blog with Craig again tomorrow?
Me - No, mainly just bc it'll piss off my friends in Texas.  I view spite as a perfectly legitimate reason to do anything.
My Mom - You were like that as a kid too.

"7:53- We've made too many compromises already. Too many retreats. They pretend to be their own country, and we fall back. They waltz into the White House and invade entire countries, and we fall back. They kick this shit out of my all time favorite sports team, and we fall back. NOT AGAIN! THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HE-AHH! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! AND I WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!"
-> Considering posting my own thread #2.  See 7:55 above.  Then again, Craig knows where I sleep.

"7:59- Seriously, though, check the thread below. CWS guest blog-entator Mike Whitlow is talking about his mom's reaction to the game, which is a blessed respite from him talking about MY mom's reaction to HIS "game". "
-> Hint:  Chicks dig the long ball.

8:03 - Trivia Question from the announcers:  How many WS game 6s have ended on a HR?  Dare to dream the announcer's "curse" strikes here?  Looking at you Pujols.

8:04 - Okay Pujols, you watch one down the middle and chase one you need a 9 iron to hit?  What is this, Casey at Fuck?

"8:04- Hey everyone, let's keep talking about Joe Buck's dead dad. That'll make sure he stops being so laconic and terrible!"
-> To be fair, it might make ME less laconic and terrible.

8:09 - "TLR has worn out that bull pen, not in a bad way..." I wasn't aware there was a good way to wear out your pitchers, but I am kinda curious to see what THEIR definition of the bad way is.  Because mine involves wire whisks and mandatory reporting.

8:10 - Holy shit, it's our D-leage intramural softball team!

8:13 - Can someone check to make sure Craig isn't listening to Ave Maria in a dark closet while cutting himself at the end of this inning?  That is, if/when it arrives...

8:16 - Don't kid yourselves.  Napoli didn't hurt himself, he is having an aneurysm from the mental effort of trying to process the Cardinals' ability to tea bag themselves.

8:19 - I think this game has caused my mom to take a dramamine.

"8:20- Oh, whiskey whiskey, whisk me away..."
Yes, I felt that the Live at Farm Aid version was more fitting, all things considered.


8:26 again - After this Lewis is going to an assisted living community to fuck up outs at first base for other geriatric players.  It's part of his community service agreement with the court.

8:28 - Hey Craig, did that high pitch at Holliday remind you of the time in The Show when Danny put a fastball into Pujols' trachea?

8:30 - Looks like the Cardinals' throwing errors are rubbing off on the Rangers.  At the very least I saw Holliday's hand get crotch, so SOMEONE'S getting rubbed off.

"8:31- Matt Holliday wasn't in the same stadium as the base, he was just cold runnin' tackling drills. His desire to hurt people pleases me."
-> The Cobb Award for the day goes to...

8:33 - Okay, you don't gotta dive for first on every pick off attempt, but at least don't make more drama than necessary.

8:34 - I would chant "Balkbalkbalk", but I'm afraid it would sound like an Arrested Development character's chicken impersonation.

8:35 - Oh dear God, I just realized Craig's sanity tonight may be in Berkman's hands.

"8:35- Dear baseball- Damn girl, you're fucking fantastic."
-> These wild mood swings are how I imagine all of Craig's sexual encounters.  And yes, I do imagine Craig's sexual encounters.

8:42 - Hey guys, generally when you are paid to throw a game you want to still look like you're trying.

8:47 - Cruz's open stance is reminiscent of that Senator from the airport bathroom.  I can't be bothered to remember his name.

8:49 - Craig, I will say this:  The fact that your team has fucked up repeatedly in ways that would make little league teams blush yet is still competitive in this game is a testament.  To what, I'm not sure.  But it's encouraging nonetheless.

8:48- Twitter is, all of a sudden, talking about the 1919 Black Sox. Guys, isn't, "They're just little turd-monglers out there" a simpler explanation?
-> Another explanation = TLR's plan tonight is to lull the Rangers into a false sense of security.  They've got them right where they wont them.  Mispelling intentional.

9:03 - John Jay has the look on his face of a little league right fielder.

9:09 - Why do they hire Johnny Depp to play a role that Robert Downey Jr. lived?

9:14 - Holy shit, when was the last time Berkman got an infield hit?  Did he eat the real Pujols and replace him with a doppelganger?

9:19 - I think the ghost of Douglas Adams greased up the ball with a Someone Else's Problem Field before the game.

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