Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks

7:04- I just watched my first "Coach's Corner" with Don Cherry. I've seen political manifestos broadcast over pirated television signals that made more sense. And dressed better. It wasn't nearly enough different from this for me to avoid nightmares tonight.

7:07- BTW- If you click that link- HAPPY HALLOWEEN, I JUST RAPED YOUR NIGHTMARES.

7:33- I'm watching on an online feed of WGN. SHHHH. DON'T TELL THE GOVERNMENT.

7:34- The Blackhawks are coming off of a pretty terrible game in Carolina, but Carolina has always had them by the short-n-curlies. The Blue Jackets, to the best of my knowledge, are coming off of a swirling maw of inexplicable existential horror. There's no society, no civilization. Just one bad hockey team trying to make sense of a broken world.

7:35- Should be a good game!

7:39- The Hawks are rocking their back-up goalie, Ray Emery, and their second line winger, Dan Carcillo, just got a suspension. But this is the game they can afford to be short handed.

7:41- Samuel Lepisto is in the line-up for the Hawks tonight. FIRE IN LEPISTO! FIRE IN THE TACO BELL!

7:42- Ben Walker's secret boyfriend, John Scott, is also in the line up. Next time you see Ben, ask him about that.

7:42- Marcus Kruger with the first goal. Hawks lead 1-0 with 16:58 to go in the first period.

7:47- Some poor, damned soul stuck on the Blue Jackets scores a goal of his own, as Emery is apparently way the fuck up in Evanston and can't get to the other side of the net in time. 1-1.

7:51- There were so many people falling over each other there, the crease looked like a Woodstock mud orgy.

7:55- Dave Bolland is sent to detention for trippin' balls, man. Blue Jackets on the power play, and their power play is pretty much the worst athletic event in North America.

7:58- Now some unbaptized child who plays for the Blue Jackets is called for tripping, and the Hawks get their first power play!

8:01- Bolland does some other dumb shit, and BOOM, 4 on 4 hockey. We're one penalty each away from a mini Gus Macker tourney!

8:05- Every time Pat Foley says "Wysniewski", I hear "whiskey dick".

8:06- Eddie Olzcek: "I want every body to look at this." Eddie O ALWAYS does this. Listen, I get teaching me something about the game, but now you're just handing out assignments. You're not my geometry teacher, Eddie. You're actually much prettier.

8:08- Apparently, just before the game, the Hawks went out and got "THUG LIFE 4 LIFE" tattoos. Toews to the penalty box.

8:10- Sweet original recipe fuck, did the Hawks just get back from The Gathering of the Juggalos or something?

8:11- Boland gets lose on a breakaway, throws in a short-handed goal. 2-1 Hawks.

8:13- First period over. And while the Hawks are acting fine young sociopaths, the Blue Jackets look like those kids in the orphanage who are too old to believe in adoption anymore. They're just broken, and may never know true love.

8:22- Gonna hop to a new thread for the second period, just to keep these things from being as long as Patrick Kane's playoff mullet.