The Bitter End

10:04- I might be accidentally deleting Mike's comments. I might be doing it on purpose. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, AND EVERYTHING SUCKS TERRIBLY.

10:05- Joe Buck is a blowjob with teeth.

10:06- Tim McCarver is human tennis elbow.

10:07- This game is the Anti-Batman.

10:08- Buck...shut up about the goddamn contract, would you? Here, here's what let's do- print out a copy of Pujol's CURRENT contract. Check the ending date on it. Double check. THen roll up the contract and shove it up your ass.

10:09- I can't wait for Holland to face actually useful fucking batters next season, so every goddamn small-sample-loving jackass can say, "Wha happened? HE WAS AWESOME FOR A GAME AND A THIRD!!!"

10:12- Ryan Theriot is the most competent fielder in the game. WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING BIZZARO-BALL I DON'T UNDERSTAND WORLD ANYMORE.

10:13- Oh, good. With the game looking certain, we now have three innings of "ALBERT PUJOLS IS GOING TO LEAVE, ST. LOUIS FANS. YOU'VE ALREADY LOST,AND IGNORE THE VIDEO, MIKE NAPOLI ACTUALLY HIT THOSE THREE HOME RUNS IN ONE GAME, AND HE'S GONNA TAKE THE ENTIRE TEAM WITH HIM AND YOU'LL NEVER WIN AGAIN."

10:16- BTW, Fox, I'm so pissed at Buck and McCarver, I'm ANTI-BUYING all the products you're advertising.

10:17- Except "The New Girl", because Zooey Dechenal is delightful, and she had the balls to sing the anthem with a sentiment other than that of a Toby Keith song.

10:18- Tim McCarver is trying to get me to turn this game off. He told me so. But I WILL NOT LET HIM WIN.

10:19- ALLEN ME!!!

10:21- WHA- BUH- DEREK HOLLAND PITCHED 8 DECENT INNINGS! HOW IS HE GIVING UP HITS NOW?

10:25- I need another drink. Beer, whiskey, or cooking sherry? FIRST PERSON TO GCHAT ME GETS TO CALL IT.

10:25- Pelzer calls it. Sherry it is.

10:27- The only thing McCarver's ever been right about is that Molina is slow as shit. Watching him run is like watching one of those slowed-down Olsen Twin videos, complete with the mounting feeling of dread.

10:29- Since Ron Washington is Grown Up Urkel, the Cardinals decided to answer the question "Whatever happened to predictability?" Turns out, it's been wrapped around Furcal's bat this WHOLE TIME.

10:32- I'm really excited for a new Parks & Rec tonight!

10:35- Say what you will about Yankees fans, but they would've kicked somebody's ass by now.

10:36- Boston fans would be sulking.

10:37- Cubs "fans" would've been too busy making out to notice the score, then asked their girlfriend is she wanted to go downstairs and "Warm up"

10:38- "Warm up" means SEXXXY TIMES IN WRIGLEY FIELD BATHROOM. 'Cause ladies love the trough.

10:39: Dodgers fans would've left hours ago.

10:40: Marlins fans would've NOT APPLICABLE.

10:41- White Sox fans would get out their aggression with a vigorous round of red-lining their neighborhoods.

10:41:30: I HATE the "play of the game" being displayed before the game is over. Because if the lead changes, then the play that changes the lead is CLEARLY the play of the game, y'know?

And because even though I always SAY that, it never fucking happens.

10:42- Right now, if the Blue Jays were in this series, the fans would be happy since because of the exchange rate, the Blue Jays would actually be ahead.

10:43- Goddammit, Buck is infuriating. He was SO excited about Theriot striking out there.

10:44- And, okay, Pujols gets a hit. But for Buck, the first thing he has to mention is that it might be Pujols' last hit as a Cardinal. Seriously, this is a consistent fucking pattern from Buck, and I don't get it. Did he leave STL under a dark cloud or something?

10:46- Mets fans would've beaten up TWO guys by now.

10:47- Twins fans would be making the winners a nice hot dish for victory, because losing is no excuse for bad manners.

10:48- Pirates fans would just be shocked as shit to get this far.

10:49- Nolan Ryan is one bad pitch from jumping up, taking the ball himself, and finishing this shit off. And he probably could, too.

10:50- Rockies fans would be fine. They got all that fresh air, the lovely views, they're healthy, and they've got Tebow. Life goes on, y'know?

10:51- Giants fans would be confused because win or lose, Brian Wilson is gonna do his performance art bullshit, and even Castro Street doesn't understand all of that.

10:52- Brewers fans would be drunk, proving they are smarter than us all (Well, except me. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE sob.)

10:53- I have no idea what an Astros fan would do. Mike?

10:54- Orioles fans would blame the owner.

10:5WHATEVER OH MY GOD I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS I NEED MORE WHISKEY STAT!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH FUCK THE WHAT!!?!?!!?!!?!?!!

10:54? 7:13? 3:12 AM?!?!?!? WHERE AM I? WHAT AM I DOING HERE? AM I ROSS PEROT'S RUNNING MATE?

10:55- I swear to god, my TV's volume isn't really loud at all, but my ears are ringing. RINGING, I SAY TO THEE.

10:57- Shit, my vow to spitefully avoid anything Fox is advertising means I'll never get to see Captain America now.

11:00- Well, hope was fun while it lasted.

11:01- I'm just going to keep documenting this - Buck is SO happy that Hamilton got his first HR this WS.

11:05- Uh oh, spelling errors are creeping into my typing...

11:!2- Tim McCarver is always wrong. Ergo, Loshe offered at that one.

11:14- I'm finding my way to New Drunkington, PA pretty fast (with the help of MAPQUEST! Because it is 2002 in my head), but goddammit it all to sweaty Republican hell if baseball isn't just fucking grand.

11:20- Pujols gets a free pass to first base. Berkman up. Colby scared, so very scared.

11:21- Pelztovitch try to convince Colby to give up hope, like Cubs fan. Like common, drunken Cubs fan. But Colby is drunk in his own way, isn't he?

11:23- For the record, Washington intentionally put the winning run on base. Dumb. And forgotten, if he wins.

11:24- Baseball is the best thing ever.

11:24- Buck- "They just. Won't. Go. Away." And my friends, he is SOOOO pissed as he says that.

11:26- Dear Work: GUESS WHICH GUY NAMED COLBY IS GONNA BE ABSENT TOMORROW!!!

11:27- John Jay is tending in Chicago! That hasn't happened since the exreceble Jay's treaty of the late 1700s!

11:30- Jeremy Pelzer- "Obviously spotting them two runs hasn't been a big deal. Two runs is the new shut out."

11:38- I'M GOING TO DIE ON FIRE.

11:43- HOLY SHIT HAVE I BEEN RAPTURED?!?!?!

11:44- TESTAS-TORNADO!!!!

11:45- SHIT BURRITOS FILLED WITH UNEBELIEVA-FUCKS!

11:46- DAVID COCK ROCKING FREESE!!!

11:47- Dear every other human activity: This is why you're second best.

11:48- I will be driving back from Westchester, IL, during the game tomorrow. If I crash and die, I want you all to eat my brain, for it will give you power.

11:49- Jeremy Pelzer: "Texas hasn't seen choking this hard since 'Debbie Does Dallas'."

11:57- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH WHY DID MY FUCKING FATHER GO TO FUCKING FLORIDA FOR FUCKING WINTER!!!

12:05- Words are for brick-fucked carpet dicks. I WILL SEE YOU WINNING MEN OF VALOR TOMORROW.