'DA BIG GAME

5:35- Okay, we're a little late in starting, but we're gonna make up for it with extra hating on Massholes.

5:36- And Madonna. Seriously, WTF NFL OMGBBQ?

5:37- My hosts' TV is fucking balla. I can actually see the stink of Giselle's vagina coming off of Brady's crotch.

5:39- Budweiser, I'm not sure a song about Kanye West's mounting self-loathing is the best way to sell your new beer. But Bud Platium does sound like the best drink for a toast to the douchebags.

5:40- I really like the fat guy sitting next to Giselle just to explain sport to her.

5:41- HOLY SHIT, A SAFETY ALREADY. Friends of the blog will understand that this is already my favorite Super Bowl since the one where I ended up on a table top wearing a bear mask.

5:42- Upon further reflection, I can only HOPE that that was Super Bowl.

5:43- Pepsi, that was just the dumbest shit ever.

5:45- I'm eating Devilled eggs and not sharing, Ron Swanson style. My host has provided fridge space.

5:50- THAT is some amatuer hour shit, Patriots.

5:51- Victor Cruz, borrowing his name from the villain in every mid-90s Jean Claude Van Damme movie, pulls in a catch for our first legit score. 8-0 New York Football Giants.

5:52- HOLY SHIT, THE P.A.T. WAS GOOD!

5:56- Alright, I lied that Chevy commercial (Even though Chevys are built in horseshit RTW states). But um...what's gonna happen when those guys get horny?

5:59- Wes Welker leads the league in affection from commentators who are afraid of black guys.

6:06- Some kicker does his thing and the Pats are on the board. 9-3 Gernts.

6:11- Shorter Chris Collinsworth: "Ah ha ha ha ha, I just love these grown men taking permanent damage. AH HA HA HA HA."

6:14- Goddammit Volkswagon, now you're just gonna give my pets body image issues.

6:20- I swear to god, the second quarter of every NFL game is 45 minutes long.

6:29- Tom Coughlin is a perfectly adequate professional football coach.

6:33- After that penalty, Bill Bellicek has the wry smile of a man who is going to murder many hookers with many chicken bones.

6:36- I'm like, 65% certain that a Super Bowl commercial just explained an oral sex principal to us all. JOKE'S ON YOU, SUPER BOWL. I DIDN'T NEED TO BE TOLD THAT. I'M MARRIED, ORAL SEX ISN'T AN OPTION ANYWAY!

6:39- Brady, in the huddle: "YOU AND YOU! STOP BEING SHITTY!"

6:44- Goddammit, people. I thought we all agreed that G.I. Joe movies were mistakes. We were just going to extract the redhead, and bomb the rest. What happened?

6:45- The name "Woodhead"? Never not funny.

6:48- Brady: "I AM THE BRADY GOD! YOU SHALL WORSHIP NO OTHER BRADIES BEFORE ME!"

6:51- And that's half time! Here comes Madonna! Thanks, Geritol!

6:54- Bob Costas: "As you can see, it's kind of dark behind me, 'cause no one wants to fucking look at Madonna anymore."

6:57- Deadspin caught Rush Limbaugh picking his nose. LIBRUL MEDIA! I HOPE HE FAILS! WE SHOULDA JUST TRADED THE 2012 ELECTION FOR DRAFT PICKS!

7:00- We're watching a friends' demo video, so I can't make fun of the Indiana tourism commercial. Someone fill in for me?

7:06- Nothing says NFL football like a guy doing gymnastics moves in a toga.

7:07- This is violating the first tenant of Super Bowl Half Time Law: Don't make your father think about shit.

7:09- Why was Madonna laying down? Was she tired already?

7:09- "Every record sounds the same." Yes, agreed, Madonna. Stop doing that.

7:11- These nuns aren't nearly slutty enough.

7:12- OTOH, that's some real complex choreography they got going on there. "Sway back and forth. Swing your arms, but just a bit! PERFECT. THAT'S FUCKING ART."

7:13- Cee Lo looks like the first Defense Against the Dark Arts minister who gets to stay on because Voldemort's curse is broken. Or because of Affirmative Action. One of the two.

7:14- I'll bitch about my penis aches for as long as I want, but "Like a Prayer" really is a solid pop song.

7:15- Did she just get frozen in carbonite?

7:20- WHY IS CLINT EASTWOOD GROWLING AT ME ABOUT DETROIT?!?!

7:23- New half means a new thread. BECAUSE YOU EARNED IT.