11:45 - If history has taught us one thing, and judging from the state of our country it's not entirely sure history has taught us anything, it is that tonight East St. Louis shall burn.
11:43 - That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange substitutions even the Rangers lead may die.
11:42 - From Brian Richards: "They need to play the evil laugh from Mr. Freeze right now at Busch Stadium."
11:39 again - I AM CLAIMING CREDIT FOR THAT HOME RUN. MY BATMAN AND ROBIN REFERENCE SAVED THE DAY! ALL HAIL YOUR LORD AND ELDER STAR GOD JOEL SCHUMACHER! IA IA! CTHULHU NYAGEN!
11:39 - Hey Freese, "chill out."
11:38 - I will not be satisfied until TLR puts a fielder in at relief. Or maybe he's intentionally drawing this out until we can't blame him for warming himself up on the mound?
11:33 - Okay seriously, do bullpens have more roster spots than NBA teams?
11:30 the second - Hey, a 1 out single. How many times have we seen that tonight?
11:30 - I guess we need a new "Play of the Game".
11:26 - YAY! WE TIED! That's enough for now guys. Ground it to third and let's play some DEFENSE!
"11:21- Pelztovitch try to convince Colby to give up hope, like Cubs fan. Like common, drunken Cubs fan. But Colby is drunk in his own way, isn't he?"
-> In S(ovie)t Louis, alcohol drink Colby!
11:20 - Only God could write the kind of poetry that sees a Texas native beat the Texas team...
11:18 - In honor of Craig's palpitations I am renaming the AL the Angina League.
11:14 - Okay, I think Craig's got it. Nolan Ryan is about to come out there and finish this off himself. That or TLR's gonna warm Ryan up in the bullpen for the Cards.
11:12 - Craig, does TLR pinch hit Pujols for the pitcher and just say fuck it, let him pitch in the 11th?
11:11 - I think at this point you put starter jackets on the baserunners.
11:10 - I'm glad Jay's mom let him stay up late for this game.
10:58 - And Pujols decides to join the game.
10:57 - I'm going to take credit for this, seeing as how I posted a youTube clip of the rally squirrel to a Rangers' fan's facebook wall. I see no reason not to.
"10:53- I have no idea what an Astros fan would do. Mike?"
-> Astros fans have never been in a situation where we didn't get swept in the Series. So they'd probably lynch an innocent man. Is Lidge available? I would say riot, but half the state is on fire as it is.
10:52 - McCarver wants Napoli to drop the mask, take the ball, and finish this batter off himself.
10:51 - SERIOUSLY DUDE. "Ice to see you again."
"10:44- And, okay, Pujols gets a hit. But for Buck, the first thing he has to mention is that it might be Pujols' last hit as a Cardinal. Seriously, this is a consistent fucking pattern from Buck, and I don't get it. Did he leave STL under a dark cloud or something?"
-> He lost his buhymen in STL. It's kinda like losing your heart in San Francisco, but involves blood stained undies.
10:46 - I was gonna say if Berkman didn't swing for the fences on that last pitch I'd eat Craig's hat. I'm glad the pitcher took that out of the equation. That hat is nasty.
10:44 - Well goddamn.
10:43 - For the record, rally squirrel hats are awesome.
10:29 - Wow, that was like a 30 minute make-out session that ends with the girl excusing herself to put on a french maid outfit, getting down on her knees, opening her mouth, and then you punch yourself in the dick.
10:28 - Craig's heart beat right now. Over/under 120 bpm?
10:25 - I think Joe Buck is offended that the Cardinals insist on playing 9 innings.
10:23 - Seriously, bc that means at least once a game the catcher is going to call for a shot at your head. Freese could set a record for concussions AND on-base percentage.
10:22 - If I were Freese everytime I got to the batter's box I would tell the catcher "Ice to see you." EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. (That might be the Cane & Ebel talking)
10:19 - I gotta side with Craig on this one. The difference in excitement levels with which the announcers announced that HR vs the last Rangers HR was tangible.
10:17 - I kinda wish the announcers would do the same thing fans do when they think the game is over.
"10:08- Buck...shut up about the goddamn contract, would you? Here, here's what let's do- print out a copy of Pujol's CURRENT contract. Check the ending date on it. Double check. THen roll up the contract and shove it up your ass."
-> I did threaten to get a Pujols jersey of he came to the Cubs. Craig threatened to burn it...while I wore it.
10:02- Wal-Mart, way are all your commercials predicated on your customers being idiots? I mean, I know WHY. But c'mon, hide that shit, company's coming over.
10:01- This guy singing "God Bless America" is fucking awesome. GET HIM A CONTRACT.
10:00- Cardinals fans, stop being so fucked-by-vanilla-ice-cream nice. THROW SOME BATTERIES. THROW A CHAIR. THROW A STRIKE, SOMEONE SHOULD.
9:59- So gifted at finding, what I don't like the most...
9:59 - Michelle just sent her condolences regarding the fact that Dotel is pitching. (MW)
9:58- *long sip of whiskey* You been puttin' up with my shit just way too long...
9:56- And I always find, yeah I always find something wrong...
9:55- Oh god...the swirling darkness....(CWC)
9:52- Uncharted 3 gives me a reason to continue living. (CWC)
9:51- OH GOOD, LARUSSA'S GONNA MAKE SOME SWITCHES. Maybe the fucking Verizon "Can you hear me now?" guy will pitch next. (CWC)
9:49: Buck: "Berkman hits a home run to right field. BUT LET ME TELL YOU MORE ABOUT THE ONE GAME DEREK HOLLAND DIDN'T PITCH LIKE A WELSHMAN!!!" (CWC)
9:48- Buck- "AND BELTRE HITS A LONG FLY BALL....FINALLY, A REASON TO HAVE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!!!"
9:44- I'm pretty sure the Rangers are up now, but Buck and McCarver are just going to say that the Rangers do everything right no matter what the video shows, so I'm not certain. (CWC)
9:43- McCarver: "He blocks the base...then he breaks the tie." Well, Tim, for you, being half wrong is actually an improvement.
9:42- Buck: "You have to assume that Holiday injured his hand." I do not. I can just asume that Holiday sucks, as he has this series. (CWC)
9:38- Buck, seriously, Holland has pitched other games than Game 4. (CWC)
9:37- The worst thing about baseball is that Ron Washington has done three dozen stupid moves, and they'll all get wiped away if the Rangers win. But LaRussa's bullpen phonefuckery will be remembered forever. Which, it should. But so should Wash's complete inability to use Ogando correctly. (CWC)
9:34 - I'm going to assume that was the Rangers being like "Hey guys sorry about that 3rd base business. We can't give you the out back, so how about we just load it back up and call it squares?" (MW)
9:33- The ball squirts passed Napoli. No throw as the runners advance. The third base ump calls Freese out. McCarver agrees, and passes Napoli a mash note after study hall.
9:31- McCarver, suck Napoli's dick all you want- you can even pop out your dentures if that makes it easier- but Holiday got his hand around that foot before the tag.
9:30- Because if so, Okay.
9:29- DOES NO ONE WANT TO WIN THIS DAMNED GAME? Are you pie-fucked shit-badgers having so much fun, you don't want this to end?
9:27- That was called a ball? Either the ump is wearing fun-house lens glasses, or I am.
9:24 - The Rangers let the bases load without the ball leaving the infield and the Cardinals replaced their baseball gloves with boxing gloves. Thanks a lot Obama. This is what socialism looks like.
9:21- It's like the scene in Back to the Future where Biff gets the almanac, only rape-ier.
9:20 - Craig, your baseball knowledge exceeds mine. You know the obscure rules. What happens when the number of cumulative errors between sides exceeds the number of innings played?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
World Series Game 6: Thread Three
8:26- I will just cold start deleting. I'm a mad man who's team is playing like cockless lemurs and OH LOOK, USELESS MCSTRIKEOUT IS UP TO BAT. Don't test me.
8:29- Did we switch to blurnsball while I wasn't looking?
8:30- Did I switch to bourbon while you weren't looking? Why...yes, I did.
8:31- Matt Holliday wasn't in the same stadium as the base, he was just cold runnin' tackling drills. His desire to hurt people pleases me.
8:33- That one almost hit the fifth Molina brother!
8:35- Dear baseball- Damn girl, you're fucking fantastic.
8:36- McCarver: "The Rangers did look a guh-...nevermind." DID HE FINALLY STROKE OFF? HAVE WE WON? CAN THE EWOKS FINALLY SING "YUB YUB"???
8:37- After reformatting his hard drive (by pouring hydrogen peroxide in his ear), McCarver finally gets his thought out: "The Rangers did look a gift horse in the mouth." Listen, defensive lapses in this inning, but I don't think that's from them being overly critical of someone else's generosity.
8:38- After striking out, Punto raises the bat high into the air like he's going to smash it on the ground, then doesn't. CONSISTENCY! Even in rage, he can't put wood on anything! #Sob
8:41- Below- in one of the several mongrel threads that seemed to have formed tonight- Mike Whitlow notes my wild mood swings. This is true, I'm quite losing my mind. But seriously, baseball is fantastic, and this game- for all the soul-felching pain of it- is so much fun to watch.
8:42- AND THEN DAVID FREESE HAS TO GO AND BURP A FART.
8:43- Freese should have his NLCS MVP award taken away, then shoved up his ass.
8:44- BRB, I've got to go count backwards from 1000 by 7s and think about warm brownies.
8:46- OH WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT WHY GOD WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY
8:29- Did we switch to blurnsball while I wasn't looking?
8:30- Did I switch to bourbon while you weren't looking? Why...yes, I did.
8:31- Matt Holliday wasn't in the same stadium as the base, he was just cold runnin' tackling drills. His desire to hurt people pleases me.
8:33- That one almost hit the fifth Molina brother!
8:35- Dear baseball- Damn girl, you're fucking fantastic.
8:36- McCarver: "The Rangers did look a guh-...nevermind." DID HE FINALLY STROKE OFF? HAVE WE WON? CAN THE EWOKS FINALLY SING "YUB YUB"???
8:37- After reformatting his hard drive (by pouring hydrogen peroxide in his ear), McCarver finally gets his thought out: "The Rangers did look a gift horse in the mouth." Listen, defensive lapses in this inning, but I don't think that's from them being overly critical of someone else's generosity.
8:38- After striking out, Punto raises the bat high into the air like he's going to smash it on the ground, then doesn't. CONSISTENCY! Even in rage, he can't put wood on anything! #Sob
8:41- Below- in one of the several mongrel threads that seemed to have formed tonight- Mike Whitlow notes my wild mood swings. This is true, I'm quite losing my mind. But seriously, baseball is fantastic, and this game- for all the soul-felching pain of it- is so much fun to watch.
8:42- AND THEN DAVID FREESE HAS TO GO AND BURP A FART.
8:43- Freese should have his NLCS MVP award taken away, then shoved up his ass.
8:44- BRB, I've got to go count backwards from 1000 by 7s and think about warm brownies.
8:46- OH WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT WHY GOD WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?
EVEN ALFONSO SORIANO WOULD CATCH THAT BALL, AND HE'S STILL GOT HIS LEG STUCK IN A BUCKET!
8:48- Twitter is, all of a sudden, talking about the 1919 Black Sox. Guys, isn't, "They're just little turd-monglers out there" a simpler explanation?
8:53- To be fair to Lewis, he didn't look any worse than Holliday has with 2 outs and RISP. #OccupyLeftField
8:57- My favorite part of a baseball game is when there's three whole outs before the Cardinals' fuckdickery can cost them another run.
9:00- Lance Lynn looks like the guy who knows the age of consent laws in every state.
9:06- Rally towels are played out (and apparently, ineffective). Fans in the STL should throw feathers instead.
9:12- That last "strike" wasn't in the same place as the previous pitch- it was further outside the strike zone. Horseshit.
9:14- Berkman's playing like that diamond in his hand is about to start flashing.
9:16- McCarver: "The reason Colby Lewis is winning this game is...first pitch strikes." Are you sure? 'Cause I have this little theory that a DROPPED INFIELD FLY PUTTING A RUNNER ON WITH NO OUTS has a lot more to do with it.
9:18- McCarver says Lewis is "wearing Holliday out". I thought CW was the longer an AB goes on, the more it swings to the batter?
9:19- My lips to some horrible prankster demon's ears, I suppose.
9:20- Hey, David Freese, remember how you got your dick stuck in a butter churn on that popup? No one else will if you take care of business here.
9:23- Buck- "This is when the national passtime is at its best." No, this is when it most resembles my hated South Park ep where the boys keep trying to intentionally lose games.
8:48- Twitter is, all of a sudden, talking about the 1919 Black Sox. Guys, isn't, "They're just little turd-monglers out there" a simpler explanation?
8:53- To be fair to Lewis, he didn't look any worse than Holliday has with 2 outs and RISP. #OccupyLeftField
8:57- My favorite part of a baseball game is when there's three whole outs before the Cardinals' fuckdickery can cost them another run.
9:00- Lance Lynn looks like the guy who knows the age of consent laws in every state.
9:06- Rally towels are played out (and apparently, ineffective). Fans in the STL should throw feathers instead.
9:12- That last "strike" wasn't in the same place as the previous pitch- it was further outside the strike zone. Horseshit.
9:14- Berkman's playing like that diamond in his hand is about to start flashing.
9:16- McCarver: "The reason Colby Lewis is winning this game is...first pitch strikes." Are you sure? 'Cause I have this little theory that a DROPPED INFIELD FLY PUTTING A RUNNER ON WITH NO OUTS has a lot more to do with it.
9:18- McCarver says Lewis is "wearing Holliday out". I thought CW was the longer an AB goes on, the more it swings to the batter?
9:19- My lips to some horrible prankster demon's ears, I suppose.
9:20- Hey, David Freese, remember how you got your dick stuck in a butter churn on that popup? No one else will if you take care of business here.
9:23- Buck- "This is when the national passtime is at its best." No, this is when it most resembles my hated South Park ep where the boys keep trying to intentionally lose games.
Ryan Carey trumps Colby on his own blog
Ryan Carey @ 8:17 - If the Rangers win it will be due to George W. Bush's foresight and inspiration.
Ryan Carey @ 8:20 - I heard that if Texas wins tonight, W is going to land a Harrier on the pitcher's mound and proceed to waterboard the fuck out of Tony LaRussa
Ryan Carey @ 8:20 - I heard that if Texas wins tonight, W is going to land a Harrier on the pitcher's mound and proceed to waterboard the fuck out of Tony LaRussa
World Series Game 6 Thread #2
7:52- Because I will be damned by god's own cock if a Texan gets the top post on my own blog. Not this blog. Not this night.
7:53- We've made too many compromises already. Too many retreats. They pretend to be their own country, and we fall back. They waltz into the White House and invade entire countries, and we fall back. They kick this shit out of my all time favorite sports team, and we fall back. NOT AGAIN! THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HE-AHH! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! AND I WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!
7:56- *Smashes his Dad's collection of miniature baseball stadiums with a phaser rifle*
7:59- Seriously, though, check the thread below. CWS guest blog-entator Mike Whitlow is talking about his mom's reaction to the game, which is a blessed respite from him talking about MY mom's reaction to HIS "game".
8:01- Someone is holding a sign saying "Charlie Shaefer loves the Cardinals". I hope it is NOT Charlie Shaefer, because that would be just awesomely bizzare.
8:04- Hey everyone, let's keep talking about Joe Buck's dead dad. That'll make sure he stops being so laconic and terrible!
8:08- Based on that ad for "J. Edgar", I'm starting the conspiracy theory that Leo DiCaprio actual has a terrible stutter and is choosing projects that let him hide it. NOW GO, EVIL INTERNET! DO MY BIDDING!
8:09- Fernando Salas is pitching to start the fourth. I don't see how that's much different than just eliminating the "starter" role altogether.
8:11- Oh for the love of the great pulsating fuck.
8:12- Matt Holiday: bad at left field. Good at the oboe.
8:13- Mike Napoli killed Steve Jobs with a trident.
9:15- Oh god...the swirly, inky blackness....
8:16- Apparently, Mike Napoli's only weakness is shitty, shitty, absolutely, terrible, seriously, sweet high holy lord of fuck what is WRONG with you people baseball happening six inches over his ear.
8:18- The best thing about Napoli's injury is it gives me time to think about that last play.
8:19- WHOOOPS, BLOGGER TYPO. I meant "drink" about that last play. Fuck.
8:20- Oh, whiskey whiskey, whisk me away...
8:21- Jeremy Pelzer: "Someone should go as Mike Napoli for Halloween to scare the hell out of you."
8:22- Even in catching that ball, Holiday looked like an inbred fart.
8:25- #OccupyLeftField
7:53- We've made too many compromises already. Too many retreats. They pretend to be their own country, and we fall back. They waltz into the White House and invade entire countries, and we fall back. They kick this shit out of my all time favorite sports team, and we fall back. NOT AGAIN! THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HE-AHH! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! AND I WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!
7:56- *Smashes his Dad's collection of miniature baseball stadiums with a phaser rifle*
7:59- Seriously, though, check the thread below. CWS guest blog-entator Mike Whitlow is talking about his mom's reaction to the game, which is a blessed respite from him talking about MY mom's reaction to HIS "game".
8:01- Someone is holding a sign saying "Charlie Shaefer loves the Cardinals". I hope it is NOT Charlie Shaefer, because that would be just awesomely bizzare.
8:04- Hey everyone, let's keep talking about Joe Buck's dead dad. That'll make sure he stops being so laconic and terrible!
8:08- Based on that ad for "J. Edgar", I'm starting the conspiracy theory that Leo DiCaprio actual has a terrible stutter and is choosing projects that let him hide it. NOW GO, EVIL INTERNET! DO MY BIDDING!
8:09- Fernando Salas is pitching to start the fourth. I don't see how that's much different than just eliminating the "starter" role altogether.
8:11- Oh for the love of the great pulsating fuck.
8:12- Matt Holiday: bad at left field. Good at the oboe.
8:13- Mike Napoli killed Steve Jobs with a trident.
9:15- Oh god...the swirly, inky blackness....
8:16- Apparently, Mike Napoli's only weakness is shitty, shitty, absolutely, terrible, seriously, sweet high holy lord of fuck what is WRONG with you people baseball happening six inches over his ear.
8:18- The best thing about Napoli's injury is it gives me time to think about that last play.
8:19- WHOOOPS, BLOGGER TYPO. I meant "drink" about that last play. Fuck.
8:20- Oh, whiskey whiskey, whisk me away...
8:21- Jeremy Pelzer: "Someone should go as Mike Napoli for Halloween to scare the hell out of you."
8:22- Even in catching that ball, Holiday looked like an inbred fart.
8:25- #OccupyLeftField
Snark Attack: Mikelow Responds to Colby Watching Game 6.
"7:12- It seems like the Rangers don't suffer many double plays. I have no stats to back that up, but it's not stopping McCarver. "
Nothing stops McCarver. He's like the Terminator, if the Terminator were allowed the one emotion of smug self-satisfaction.
7:22 - My mom and my roommate discussing the virtue and vice of a nude Ashton Kutcher on 3.5 Men does trump any sports commentary.
7:24 - I think Pujols is tryign to bookend his World Series performance. Having already had the best hitting performance in a game possibly ever, he decided to loop around for most ineffective performance in a series.
7:25 - Craig, you may wish to pay me to shit talk your team. My snark : Berkman :: spinach : Popeye. (bonus points for SAT formatting?)
7:27 - Michelle to my mom: "I'll take you over Danny when I come home from work." This has nothing to do with the Cardinals or the Rangers, but I still felt like sharing.
7:28 - I don't know if Rick Perry is single-handedly to blame for my rooting against the Rangers in this series. I will say this: he certainly isn't helping.
7:31 - I intend to #OccupyTowerHeist.
"7:29- First inning over. Time for four innings of fine, beachwood-aged misery before the next runs."
-> I said the same thing about the Browns game this Sunday. If they refuse to play proper football I refuse to use the proper football terminology.
"7:33- Whitlow, your mom's around? Can I come over? "
-> My mom: hahaha sure! (#occupymytears)
7:42 - Texas A&M is the lovable janitor that isn't that smart but you kinda feel sorry for him. University of Texas is the yuppie middle-management douche bag that hasn't accomplished much but has accomplished just enough to have an over developed sense of self and parks his BMW straddling 2 parking spaces so you won't scratch it. Texas Tech is the meth dealer that fucks up the cook and blows up the trailer park. The Rangers, as a professional ambassador for Texas, represent all of the above.
"7:40- Another left field would have a chance on that ball. But Matt Holliday has the legs of an Easter Island statue..."
-> Leave John Scott's skating abilities out of this. Ben doesn't want you dissing his boyfriend.
7:45 - Danny Bass in a pink tutu. Think about it.
"7:45- HA HA HA sob sob sob. http://i.imgur.com/DDSld.jpg "
-> (1) #occupythecardinalsbullpen
-> (2) I had to explain this to Michelle.
7:51 - "It's the World Series, how many other chances are you gonna have?" I think this question was asked non-rhetorically.
7:55 - This just happened:
Michelle - Are you rooting for the Cardinals just so you can blog with Craig again tomorrow?
Me - No, mainly just bc it'll piss off my friends in Texas. I view spite as a perfectly legitimate reason to do anything.
My Mom - You were like that as a kid too.
"7:53- We've made too many compromises already. Too many retreats. They pretend to be their own country, and we fall back. They waltz into the White House and invade entire countries, and we fall back. They kick this shit out of my all time favorite sports team, and we fall back. NOT AGAIN! THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HE-AHH! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! AND I WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!"
-> Considering posting my own thread #2. See 7:55 above. Then again, Craig knows where I sleep.
"7:59- Seriously, though, check the thread below. CWS guest blog-entator Mike Whitlow is talking about his mom's reaction to the game, which is a blessed respite from him talking about MY mom's reaction to HIS "game". "
-> Hint: Chicks dig the long ball.
8:03 - Trivia Question from the announcers: How many WS game 6s have ended on a HR? Dare to dream the announcer's "curse" strikes here? Looking at you Pujols.
8:04 - Okay Pujols, you watch one down the middle and chase one you need a 9 iron to hit? What is this, Casey at Fuck?
"8:04- Hey everyone, let's keep talking about Joe Buck's dead dad. That'll make sure he stops being so laconic and terrible!"
-> To be fair, it might make ME less laconic and terrible.
8:09 - "TLR has worn out that bull pen, not in a bad way..." I wasn't aware there was a good way to wear out your pitchers, but I am kinda curious to see what THEIR definition of the bad way is. Because mine involves wire whisks and mandatory reporting.
8:10 - Holy shit, it's our D-leage intramural softball team!
8:13 - Can someone check to make sure Craig isn't listening to Ave Maria in a dark closet while cutting himself at the end of this inning? That is, if/when it arrives...
8:16 - Don't kid yourselves. Napoli didn't hurt himself, he is having an aneurysm from the mental effort of trying to process the Cardinals' ability to tea bag themselves.
8:19 - I think this game has caused my mom to take a dramamine.
"8:20- Oh, whiskey whiskey, whisk me away..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE4qXbgTjtw&ob=av3n
Yes, I felt that the Live at Farm Aid version was more fitting, all things considered.
8:26 - FUCK YOU! I AM A SPORTS FAN AND I REFUSE TO GET DIRECTV!
8:26 again - After this Lewis is going to an assisted living community to fuck up outs at first base for other geriatric players. It's part of his community service agreement with the court.
8:28 - Hey Craig, did that high pitch at Holliday remind you of the time in The Show when Danny put a fastball into Pujols' trachea?
8:30 - Looks like the Cardinals' throwing errors are rubbing off on the Rangers. At the very least I saw Holliday's hand get crotch, so SOMEONE'S getting rubbed off.
"8:31- Matt Holliday wasn't in the same stadium as the base, he was just cold runnin' tackling drills. His desire to hurt people pleases me."
-> The Cobb Award for the day goes to...
8:33 - Okay, you don't gotta dive for first on every pick off attempt, but at least don't make more drama than necessary.
8:34 - I would chant "Balkbalkbalk", but I'm afraid it would sound like an Arrested Development character's chicken impersonation.
8:35 - Oh dear God, I just realized Craig's sanity tonight may be in Berkman's hands.
"8:35- Dear baseball- Damn girl, you're fucking fantastic."
-> These wild mood swings are how I imagine all of Craig's sexual encounters. And yes, I do imagine Craig's sexual encounters.
8:42 - Hey guys, generally when you are paid to throw a game you want to still look like you're trying.
8:47 - Cruz's open stance is reminiscent of that Senator from the airport bathroom. I can't be bothered to remember his name.
8:49 - Craig, I will say this: The fact that your team has fucked up repeatedly in ways that would make little league teams blush yet is still competitive in this game is a testament. To what, I'm not sure. But it's encouraging nonetheless.
8:48- Twitter is, all of a sudden, talking about the 1919 Black Sox. Guys, isn't, "They're just little turd-monglers out there" a simpler explanation?
-> Another explanation = TLR's plan tonight is to lull the Rangers into a false sense of security. They've got them right where they wont them. Mispelling intentional.
9:03 - John Jay has the look on his face of a little league right fielder.
9:09 - Why do they hire Johnny Depp to play a role that Robert Downey Jr. lived?
9:14 - Holy shit, when was the last time Berkman got an infield hit? Did he eat the real Pujols and replace him with a doppelganger?
9:19 - I think the ghost of Douglas Adams greased up the ball with a Someone Else's Problem Field before the game.
Nothing stops McCarver. He's like the Terminator, if the Terminator were allowed the one emotion of smug self-satisfaction.
7:22 - My mom and my roommate discussing the virtue and vice of a nude Ashton Kutcher on 3.5 Men does trump any sports commentary.
7:24 - I think Pujols is tryign to bookend his World Series performance. Having already had the best hitting performance in a game possibly ever, he decided to loop around for most ineffective performance in a series.
7:25 - Craig, you may wish to pay me to shit talk your team. My snark : Berkman :: spinach : Popeye. (bonus points for SAT formatting?)
7:27 - Michelle to my mom: "I'll take you over Danny when I come home from work." This has nothing to do with the Cardinals or the Rangers, but I still felt like sharing.
7:28 - I don't know if Rick Perry is single-handedly to blame for my rooting against the Rangers in this series. I will say this: he certainly isn't helping.
7:31 - I intend to #OccupyTowerHeist.
"7:29- First inning over. Time for four innings of fine, beachwood-aged misery before the next runs."
-> I said the same thing about the Browns game this Sunday. If they refuse to play proper football I refuse to use the proper football terminology.
"7:33- Whitlow, your mom's around? Can I come over? "
-> My mom: hahaha sure! (#occupymytears)
7:42 - Texas A&M is the lovable janitor that isn't that smart but you kinda feel sorry for him. University of Texas is the yuppie middle-management douche bag that hasn't accomplished much but has accomplished just enough to have an over developed sense of self and parks his BMW straddling 2 parking spaces so you won't scratch it. Texas Tech is the meth dealer that fucks up the cook and blows up the trailer park. The Rangers, as a professional ambassador for Texas, represent all of the above.
"7:40- Another left field would have a chance on that ball. But Matt Holliday has the legs of an Easter Island statue..."
-> Leave John Scott's skating abilities out of this. Ben doesn't want you dissing his boyfriend.
7:45 - Danny Bass in a pink tutu. Think about it.
"7:45- HA HA HA sob sob sob. http://i.imgur.com/DDSld.jpg "
-> (1) #occupythecardinalsbullpen
-> (2) I had to explain this to Michelle.
7:51 - "It's the World Series, how many other chances are you gonna have?" I think this question was asked non-rhetorically.
7:55 - This just happened:
Michelle - Are you rooting for the Cardinals just so you can blog with Craig again tomorrow?
Me - No, mainly just bc it'll piss off my friends in Texas. I view spite as a perfectly legitimate reason to do anything.
My Mom - You were like that as a kid too.
"7:53- We've made too many compromises already. Too many retreats. They pretend to be their own country, and we fall back. They waltz into the White House and invade entire countries, and we fall back. They kick this shit out of my all time favorite sports team, and we fall back. NOT AGAIN! THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HE-AHH! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! AND I WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!"
-> Considering posting my own thread #2. See 7:55 above. Then again, Craig knows where I sleep.
"7:59- Seriously, though, check the thread below. CWS guest blog-entator Mike Whitlow is talking about his mom's reaction to the game, which is a blessed respite from him talking about MY mom's reaction to HIS "game". "
-> Hint: Chicks dig the long ball.
8:03 - Trivia Question from the announcers: How many WS game 6s have ended on a HR? Dare to dream the announcer's "curse" strikes here? Looking at you Pujols.
8:04 - Okay Pujols, you watch one down the middle and chase one you need a 9 iron to hit? What is this, Casey at Fuck?
"8:04- Hey everyone, let's keep talking about Joe Buck's dead dad. That'll make sure he stops being so laconic and terrible!"
-> To be fair, it might make ME less laconic and terrible.
8:09 - "TLR has worn out that bull pen, not in a bad way..." I wasn't aware there was a good way to wear out your pitchers, but I am kinda curious to see what THEIR definition of the bad way is. Because mine involves wire whisks and mandatory reporting.
8:10 - Holy shit, it's our D-leage intramural softball team!
8:13 - Can someone check to make sure Craig isn't listening to Ave Maria in a dark closet while cutting himself at the end of this inning? That is, if/when it arrives...
8:16 - Don't kid yourselves. Napoli didn't hurt himself, he is having an aneurysm from the mental effort of trying to process the Cardinals' ability to tea bag themselves.
8:19 - I think this game has caused my mom to take a dramamine.
"8:20- Oh, whiskey whiskey, whisk me away..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE4qXbgTjtw&ob=av3n
Yes, I felt that the Live at Farm Aid version was more fitting, all things considered.
8:26 - FUCK YOU! I AM A SPORTS FAN AND I REFUSE TO GET DIRECTV!
8:26 again - After this Lewis is going to an assisted living community to fuck up outs at first base for other geriatric players. It's part of his community service agreement with the court.
8:28 - Hey Craig, did that high pitch at Holliday remind you of the time in The Show when Danny put a fastball into Pujols' trachea?
8:30 - Looks like the Cardinals' throwing errors are rubbing off on the Rangers. At the very least I saw Holliday's hand get crotch, so SOMEONE'S getting rubbed off.
"8:31- Matt Holliday wasn't in the same stadium as the base, he was just cold runnin' tackling drills. His desire to hurt people pleases me."
-> The Cobb Award for the day goes to...
8:33 - Okay, you don't gotta dive for first on every pick off attempt, but at least don't make more drama than necessary.
8:34 - I would chant "Balkbalkbalk", but I'm afraid it would sound like an Arrested Development character's chicken impersonation.
8:35 - Oh dear God, I just realized Craig's sanity tonight may be in Berkman's hands.
"8:35- Dear baseball- Damn girl, you're fucking fantastic."
-> These wild mood swings are how I imagine all of Craig's sexual encounters. And yes, I do imagine Craig's sexual encounters.
8:42 - Hey guys, generally when you are paid to throw a game you want to still look like you're trying.
8:47 - Cruz's open stance is reminiscent of that Senator from the airport bathroom. I can't be bothered to remember his name.
8:49 - Craig, I will say this: The fact that your team has fucked up repeatedly in ways that would make little league teams blush yet is still competitive in this game is a testament. To what, I'm not sure. But it's encouraging nonetheless.
8:48- Twitter is, all of a sudden, talking about the 1919 Black Sox. Guys, isn't, "They're just little turd-monglers out there" a simpler explanation?
-> Another explanation = TLR's plan tonight is to lull the Rangers into a false sense of security. They've got them right where they wont them. Mispelling intentional.
9:03 - John Jay has the look on his face of a little league right fielder.
9:09 - Why do they hire Johnny Depp to play a role that Robert Downey Jr. lived?
9:14 - Holy shit, when was the last time Berkman got an infield hit? Did he eat the real Pujols and replace him with a doppelganger?
9:19 - I think the ghost of Douglas Adams greased up the ball with a Someone Else's Problem Field before the game.
World Series Game 6: Texas Rangers @ St. Louis Cardinals
6:57- After many days of ruminating- and god save me, did I spend the last few days ruminating- it occurs to me that Game 5 was pretty much exactly what you're secretly terrified of when you hire Tony LaRussa. Granted, no one's hired TLR in fifteen years, and nobody probably ever will again (just because he'll probably retire), but when you do, you think about, y'know, post season experience, his magic with marginal players, his rapport with veteran superstars, his expertise in matchups, Dave Duncan...
...and yet. Somewhere, in the dusty corners of your brain, there's a tiny little voice saying, "He IS a mad scientist. And sometimes, those guys make shit blow up."
7:01- It's gotta be like hiring Robert Downey Jr. You think you're getting something brilliant- and you probably are!- but what happens if he goes on a 24-day glue-stick-huffing bender and is arrested for selling dolphin meat to the North Koreans? Well, what CAN you do? When the Rube Goldberg machine that is Tony LaRussa's management breaks down, there's no plan B. Or rather, there is, but you can't reach it on the bullpen phone.
7:04- Alright, enough of me pretending to know anything. There's at least one more Cardinal baseball game this season. I'm not going to spoil it for myself by worrying about Game 179.
7:05- I'm watching on Fox tonight. God, if there is a god, save my soul, if I have a soul.
7:07- The over under on when I get frustrated and switch over to the NBC comedies is "Parks and Recreation". Place your bets!
7:08- Tim McCarver: "What's really impressive is the way he approaches his talent." I'm moving the over under up to the third commercial break of Community.
7:11- McCarver- "Oh, those devilish walks!" Oh god, shut up so hard.
7:12- It seems like the Rangers don't suffer many double plays. I have no stats to back that up, but it's not stopping McCarver.
7:16- Jamie, it's better to strike out the guys BEFORE the team scores. PRO TIP.
7:17- That one half-inning lasted 73 minutes, right? It wasn't just me?
7:19- Nothing has ever been smarmier than Ashton Kutcher in these stupid camera commercials. I mean, I'd buy that camera, but doesn't the thick layer of douche on the lens ruin the pictures?
7:20- Joe Buck is more enthusiastic about plugging Taco Bell than anything else in this broadcast.
7:22- I just figured it out- Ron Washington is grown up Urkel, isn't he? ISN'T HE? DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!
7:23- Skip Schumaker singles to right center. "Wow, I can't believe Mr. Magillicuddy was the diamond thief this whole time!"
7:24- Berkman, 2-run HR to center field. He hit that ball a foot for every year old he is.
7:26- Berkman, with his sweaty hair, looks like old, fat, totally-jacked-up-on-quaaludes-but-still-asking-Nixon-to-make-him-a-DEA-agent-and-oh-yeah-somehow-getting-a-gun-all-the-way-to-the-Oval-Office Elvis.
7:29- First inning over. Time for four innings of fine, beachwood-aged misery before the next runs.
7:32- Holy shit, #OccupyMyBlog!
7:33- Whitlow, your mom's around? Can I come over?
7:37- A 5-6-4 double play off of Lewis' bunt. That's pretty much the textbook model on how to do that play.
7:39- There are no less than 2 people dressed like Waldo in the crowd. WTF, is it 1992 again already?
7:40- Another left field would have a chance on that ball. But Matt Holliday has the legs of an Easter Island statue...
7:42- Again, if our corner outfielders didn't have repurposed cast-iron skillets for legs...
7:44- Joe Buck: "Rangers President Nolan Ryan...watching with the rest of us!" I love it when Joe Buck just notices someone in the crowd, then quickly has to act like he was actually making a point.
7:45- HA HA HA sob sob sob. http://i.imgur.com/DDSld.jpg
7:49- Home plate umpire: "Not a good way to start the game, Yadi, gettin' drilled right off the bat." Jesus christ, Ump, who the fuck asked you?
7:50- Changing my mind already. I kinda love the idea of the ump talking shit to all the guys as the game goes on. "Wow, Garcia, you must think the Rangers are your pet lhasa apsos, you're walkin' 'em so much."
...and yet. Somewhere, in the dusty corners of your brain, there's a tiny little voice saying, "He IS a mad scientist. And sometimes, those guys make shit blow up."
7:01- It's gotta be like hiring Robert Downey Jr. You think you're getting something brilliant- and you probably are!- but what happens if he goes on a 24-day glue-stick-huffing bender and is arrested for selling dolphin meat to the North Koreans? Well, what CAN you do? When the Rube Goldberg machine that is Tony LaRussa's management breaks down, there's no plan B. Or rather, there is, but you can't reach it on the bullpen phone.
7:04- Alright, enough of me pretending to know anything. There's at least one more Cardinal baseball game this season. I'm not going to spoil it for myself by worrying about Game 179.
7:05- I'm watching on Fox tonight. God, if there is a god, save my soul, if I have a soul.
7:07- The over under on when I get frustrated and switch over to the NBC comedies is "Parks and Recreation". Place your bets!
7:08- Tim McCarver: "What's really impressive is the way he approaches his talent." I'm moving the over under up to the third commercial break of Community.
7:11- McCarver- "Oh, those devilish walks!" Oh god, shut up so hard.
7:12- It seems like the Rangers don't suffer many double plays. I have no stats to back that up, but it's not stopping McCarver.
7:16- Jamie, it's better to strike out the guys BEFORE the team scores. PRO TIP.
7:17- That one half-inning lasted 73 minutes, right? It wasn't just me?
7:19- Nothing has ever been smarmier than Ashton Kutcher in these stupid camera commercials. I mean, I'd buy that camera, but doesn't the thick layer of douche on the lens ruin the pictures?
7:20- Joe Buck is more enthusiastic about plugging Taco Bell than anything else in this broadcast.
7:22- I just figured it out- Ron Washington is grown up Urkel, isn't he? ISN'T HE? DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!
7:23- Skip Schumaker singles to right center. "Wow, I can't believe Mr. Magillicuddy was the diamond thief this whole time!"
7:24- Berkman, 2-run HR to center field. He hit that ball a foot for every year old he is.
7:26- Berkman, with his sweaty hair, looks like old, fat, totally-jacked-up-on-quaaludes-but-still-asking-Nixon-to-make-him-a-DEA-agent-and-oh-yeah-somehow-getting-a-gun-all-the-way-to-the-Oval-Office Elvis.
7:29- First inning over. Time for four innings of fine, beachwood-aged misery before the next runs.
7:32- Holy shit, #OccupyMyBlog!
7:33- Whitlow, your mom's around? Can I come over?
7:37- A 5-6-4 double play off of Lewis' bunt. That's pretty much the textbook model on how to do that play.
7:39- There are no less than 2 people dressed like Waldo in the crowd. WTF, is it 1992 again already?
7:40- Another left field would have a chance on that ball. But Matt Holliday has the legs of an Easter Island statue...
7:42- Again, if our corner outfielders didn't have repurposed cast-iron skillets for legs...
7:44- Joe Buck: "Rangers President Nolan Ryan...watching with the rest of us!" I love it when Joe Buck just notices someone in the crowd, then quickly has to act like he was actually making a point.
7:45- HA HA HA sob sob sob. http://i.imgur.com/DDSld.jpg
7:49- Home plate umpire: "Not a good way to start the game, Yadi, gettin' drilled right off the bat." Jesus christ, Ump, who the fuck asked you?
7:50- Changing my mind already. I kinda love the idea of the ump talking shit to all the guys as the game goes on. "Wow, Garcia, you must think the Rangers are your pet lhasa apsos, you're walkin' 'em so much."
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
And now, a photo of Albert Pujols at Best Buy, this very morning.
http://yfrog.com/g0m8dssj
No word in that subject line a lie. Motherfucker's just cold buyin' some DVDs.
Also- yes, yes, "If you had pipes like that, you'd show 'em off"- maybe. MAYBE. But he's still That Guy, wandering around Best Buy in a sleeveless shirt.
(h/t Big League Stew, via Matt Sebek)
No word in that subject line a lie. Motherfucker's just cold buyin' some DVDs.
Also- yes, yes, "If you had pipes like that, you'd show 'em off"- maybe. MAYBE. But he's still That Guy, wandering around Best Buy in a sleeveless shirt.
(h/t Big League Stew, via Matt Sebek)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Anaheim Ducks @ Chicago Blackhawks
This blog's goal tonight is to make Jeremy Pelzer love hockey. So, to get him up to speed, some players to watch tonight:
Patrick Kane, Blackhawks- Patrick Kane's BAC waivers between .37 and .68. His goal this season is to get it up to .69 because heh heh heh. He's generally simply an offensive weapon, but will try to check every once in a while, which is adorable.
Ryan Getzlaf, Ducks- Probably the biggest threat on the Ducks, though his entire line is balls. I would recommend that the 'Hawks do everything they can to contain this line because I'm just SOOOOOO FUCKING SMART AT HOCKEY.
Duncan Keith, Blackhawks- The anchor of the 'Hawks' defense. He won the NHL's best defensman trophy in '10 (they call this the Norris Trophy, 'cause they name something after everyone. My favorite is the Lady Byng, 'cause what the fuck kind of tough hockey guy would want THAT trophy?) Then, in 2011, he played like finely granulated elephant shit. Let's see what happens next!
Cam Fowler, Ducks- Just because, oh my god, they really did it, those bastards put the kid named "Fowler" on the Ducks.
Your announcers are Pat Foley and Eddie Olczyk. Foley's kind of a legend, but he's losing a step. Olczyk's kind of a dweeb, and needs a few more vowels. They will tell "you young hockey players" what to do. A LOT.
Alright, so that's where we are. Let's begin.
7:42- Sometimes, hockey doesn't lend itself to my bullshittery as much as baseball or football. There's not nearly as many stoppages in play.
7:44- Foley just called Teamu Selanne "the ageless wonder". This is not true. Selanne has quite a bit of age, and it shows. Fucker's just stubborn.
7:54- Jesus' tits, my doppeganger is in section 300 at the United Center. I hope he eats a disgusting amount of hot dogs and wrecks a UC bathroom for all future generations.
7:57- Jamal Mayers got pounded in his backside like a man.
8:38- YEAH MAYERS, TEAR HIS SOUL OUT.
8:39- Fights are never cool enough to warrant my yelling.
8:44- Jonathan Toews doesn't care who's asshole he has to fist, he wants a goddamn goal.
8:47- HOLY SHITTING FUCKS. Get that man a drink!
8:50- Reflexively, I vomit punches whenever an announcer says "he doesn't show up on the score sheet, but..." But in Hockey, I think it's a little more warranted. We just don't have all the statistics to describe everything in hockey yet. Plus, it's really completely a team sport. But it's weird, because there IS a SABR-esque movement going on in the sport right now. I'm just not sure there's a Bill James yet.
9:12- FUCK YES, LITTLE KID. Way to nail the shoot-the-puck contest!
10:09- I'd love to watch just one hockey game this year that doesn't end in the fucking flip-cup contest.
10:12- FINALLY, Hawks win the goddamn basic skills contest. Nice to see Kaner do it, too. I have no idea what that does to his stats, though I guess he had a good night already anyway.
10:13- Sorry about the lengthy absences. Still getting the hang of this as it relates to various, more active sports.
10:14- the UC organist's version of "Chelsea Daggar" is absolutely adorable.
10:15- Sarah Kustok, I don't care how dead your parents are, you're just lovely.
10:17- To make it up to you, I'm going to run my bitchings into the postgame show.
10:22- What are the odds that Kane has nailed Sarah Kustok? Gotta be even, right? I mean, if not leaning TOWARDS.
10:24- Kane was very self-deprecating in his post-game interview, but no one was biting on his jokes. WHAT THE FUCK, MADHOUSE, ARE YOU ALL MADE OF STONE?
10:25- 7 Penalties is pretty much exactly what I expected when they picked up Daniel Carcillo.
10:26- There's a Jose Cuervo ad on. I have no idea why hockey has more ads for the hard liquors oh wait yes I do.
10:31- See, now, here's the commercial with the douchey guy calling me a pussy for not buying 1800 Tequila. Whattup with that? Television, I just want to watch a hockey game, why do you have to emasculate me?
10:33- Joel Quenneville looks like he should be a Ron Swanson-level badass. But he's such a nice, soft spoken guy. What's the fun in that?
10:36- At least Steve Konroyd is up front that losing a couple shootouts isn't a big deal. It's such a bullshit way to end the game. "Hey, you battled for 65 minutes playing a team sport with set rules. We couldn't determine a winner. SO, let's line up and play a completely different game, one-on-one, to figure it out."
10:44- Alright, that's a night. Enjoy your Theopolooza, Chicago!
Patrick Kane, Blackhawks- Patrick Kane's BAC waivers between .37 and .68. His goal this season is to get it up to .69 because heh heh heh. He's generally simply an offensive weapon, but will try to check every once in a while, which is adorable.
Ryan Getzlaf, Ducks- Probably the biggest threat on the Ducks, though his entire line is balls. I would recommend that the 'Hawks do everything they can to contain this line because I'm just SOOOOOO FUCKING SMART AT HOCKEY.
Duncan Keith, Blackhawks- The anchor of the 'Hawks' defense. He won the NHL's best defensman trophy in '10 (they call this the Norris Trophy, 'cause they name something after everyone. My favorite is the Lady Byng, 'cause what the fuck kind of tough hockey guy would want THAT trophy?) Then, in 2011, he played like finely granulated elephant shit. Let's see what happens next!
Cam Fowler, Ducks- Just because, oh my god, they really did it, those bastards put the kid named "Fowler" on the Ducks.
Your announcers are Pat Foley and Eddie Olczyk. Foley's kind of a legend, but he's losing a step. Olczyk's kind of a dweeb, and needs a few more vowels. They will tell "you young hockey players" what to do. A LOT.
Alright, so that's where we are. Let's begin.
7:42- Sometimes, hockey doesn't lend itself to my bullshittery as much as baseball or football. There's not nearly as many stoppages in play.
7:44- Foley just called Teamu Selanne "the ageless wonder". This is not true. Selanne has quite a bit of age, and it shows. Fucker's just stubborn.
7:54- Jesus' tits, my doppeganger is in section 300 at the United Center. I hope he eats a disgusting amount of hot dogs and wrecks a UC bathroom for all future generations.
7:57- Jamal Mayers got pounded in his backside like a man.
8:38- YEAH MAYERS, TEAR HIS SOUL OUT.
8:39- Fights are never cool enough to warrant my yelling.
8:44- Jonathan Toews doesn't care who's asshole he has to fist, he wants a goddamn goal.
8:47- HOLY SHITTING FUCKS. Get that man a drink!
8:50- Reflexively, I vomit punches whenever an announcer says "he doesn't show up on the score sheet, but..." But in Hockey, I think it's a little more warranted. We just don't have all the statistics to describe everything in hockey yet. Plus, it's really completely a team sport. But it's weird, because there IS a SABR-esque movement going on in the sport right now. I'm just not sure there's a Bill James yet.
9:12- FUCK YES, LITTLE KID. Way to nail the shoot-the-puck contest!
10:09- I'd love to watch just one hockey game this year that doesn't end in the fucking flip-cup contest.
10:12- FINALLY, Hawks win the goddamn basic skills contest. Nice to see Kaner do it, too. I have no idea what that does to his stats, though I guess he had a good night already anyway.
10:13- Sorry about the lengthy absences. Still getting the hang of this as it relates to various, more active sports.
10:14- the UC organist's version of "Chelsea Daggar" is absolutely adorable.
10:15- Sarah Kustok, I don't care how dead your parents are, you're just lovely.
10:17- To make it up to you, I'm going to run my bitchings into the postgame show.
10:22- What are the odds that Kane has nailed Sarah Kustok? Gotta be even, right? I mean, if not leaning TOWARDS.
10:24- Kane was very self-deprecating in his post-game interview, but no one was biting on his jokes. WHAT THE FUCK, MADHOUSE, ARE YOU ALL MADE OF STONE?
10:25- 7 Penalties is pretty much exactly what I expected when they picked up Daniel Carcillo.
10:26- There's a Jose Cuervo ad on. I have no idea why hockey has more ads for the hard liquors oh wait yes I do.
10:31- See, now, here's the commercial with the douchey guy calling me a pussy for not buying 1800 Tequila. Whattup with that? Television, I just want to watch a hockey game, why do you have to emasculate me?
10:33- Joel Quenneville looks like he should be a Ron Swanson-level badass. But he's such a nice, soft spoken guy. What's the fun in that?
10:36- At least Steve Konroyd is up front that losing a couple shootouts isn't a big deal. It's such a bullshit way to end the game. "Hey, you battled for 65 minutes playing a team sport with set rules. We couldn't determine a winner. SO, let's line up and play a completely different game, one-on-one, to figure it out."
10:44- Alright, that's a night. Enjoy your Theopolooza, Chicago!
Monday, October 24, 2011
World Series Game 5: St. Louis Cardinals @ Texas Rangers
7:08- Sometimes, I feel like burning myself, just to feel anything, anything at all.
7:09- Pretty sure we're fucked again- my lucky t-shirt is still in the dryer.
7:13- Fuck it, the shirt's wet, and I'm wearing it anyway. SO SEXXXY.
7:14- The worst thing about baseball, opposed to other sports, is that there's a whole half of the game where you know your team is not going to take the lead, tie it up, or even score. You just gotta wait for those three outs...
7:26- This is a very interesting strike zone we're looking at. And by "interesting" I mean "idiotic".
7:29- I like to think that the Texas fans are booing the head first slide, because FUCK PETE ROSE JUST THAT MUCH. Fucking cheater.
7:30- Although I'm completely against MLB on the Pete Rose thing. Honestly, Ty Cobb is in the Hall, and he's a few orders of magnitude worse than just about everyone else. As a person.
7:33- John Rooney: "A high fastball, for effect." And you guys, he's so fucking dismayed as he says it. Like he's just now fucking realized that this is all just a game, nothing but smoke and mirrors and wonderful lies meant to anasthetize the population of a country slowly slumping into the long sunset of the League of Ordinary Nations.
7:35- "Skip Schumaker" is the name of the star of a series of Boys' Adventure novels. DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO TRACK DOWN THOSE SMUGGLERS HE SAW BY THE QUARRY?
7:36- "Boys' Adventure" is the name of a genre that ought to be much gayer than the actual novels are.
7:37- Unless I'm wrong- did the Hardy Boys have girlfriends?
7:44- Apparently, Nick Punto tried- and FAILED- to break his bat over his knee after that last out. But don't worry, he's GRITTY.
7:45- I think Mike Shannon has confused the Louisville Slugger factory with Olivander's wand shop. It's okay. Mike Shannon just still wants to believe in wonder. And who's going to take that away from him? WHO? YOU, BILL GAMMONS? YOU, BILL JAMES? YOU, BOB COSTAS?
7:46- Ha ha, that last update was RIDICULOUS. Bob Costas isn't going to take away anyone's wonder, he's a farie that only survives because you clapped your hands to show that you believed in him.
7:51- The Texas Rangers will win these games harder if they start playing better defense.
7:53- Mike Shannon is amazing. "Ah, I know they walked SOMEBODY in Game One." That is the analysis America needs right now.
7:54- CJ Wilson- "Fuck this 'Not Walking Pujols' horseshit, I'm'a walk Pujols!" And then he does.
7:57- Matt Holiday remains mostly useless at the plate. BUT, he's white, so half the people I see like him more than Pujols.
8:00- Mike Napoli will stalk my nightmares.
8:02- Everyone: "Gee, Colby, why do you only listen to these games on the radio?" Me: "Because on the Television box, they let Derek Holland do his Harry Carry impression."
8:03- I once heard that Mitch Moreland was the inspiration for the bad guy mutants in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. No, not Bee-Bop and Rocksteady. The other, shittier mutants, because the movie fucking hated you too much to show you the characters you loved.
8:05- It's very possible that Mitch Moreland has no idea what TMNT II was. This is because he's young, but also a douche-hole.
8:06- Worst part about this WS is between TLR and Ron Washington, some "small ball" cock knuckle who doesn't believe in "counting" is going to be vindicated for another goddamn year.
8:07- Oh, thank cool ranch Jesus.
8:15- If my calculations are correct, Freese's AB has taken 146 pitches.
8:16- Dear Cardinals Batters: STOP BEING USELESS. FUCK.
8:22- Who came up with that name, anyway? "Texas"? Sounds fucking fishy to me.
8:25- CWS Western Correspondent Jeremy Pelzer reports: "KMOX has a completely different broadcast west of the Mississippi in which Mike Shannon talks in a BBC accent & regales us with stories of him & Malcolm Forbes." I have no choice but to believe him.
8:26- Who the fuck is Malcom Forbes? Is he some other fucking 13 year old on Texas' bench that's gonna stand up and hit the ball all the way from Arlington to my crotch? 'Cause I'm getting sick of those little shits.
8:29- "Gee Whiz, Mr. Turlington! I can't believe we actually returned the pirate's treasure to the museum!" -Skip Schumaker, on hitting a single.
8:32- Cunning strategy. No one wants to see Nick Punto swing the bat.
8:33- Mike Shannon- "They don't bunt over here in the American League very much." They JUST did it like, 2 innings ago. You're drunk already, aren't you?
8:36- Did Pujols even bother to walk to the batter's box?
8:37- Oh, great, here comes Holliday.
8:41- Sweet Jesus in a smoking birchtree canoe. He'd save us time if he just swung blindly.
8:45- Mitch Moreland invented credit default swaps.
8:49- Chris Carpenter: "Hey guys, I wanna get aboard the fuck up train, too!"
8:57- Okay, a one out base hit and a pitching change. That's not a sure thing, but it's not the flaccid penis of the previous three innings.
9:07- The Cardinals have stranded 5,672 base runners tonight.
9:12- GOD, FUCK.
9:12- Adrian Beltre's crimes are too well known and serious to be documented in this funny make-em-up-blog.
9:14- As near as I can tell, Nelson Cruz is an innocent soul. Carpenter's the sinner on this one.
9:15- STOP. LETTING. EVERYONE. HIT. THE KNEE-FUCKING BASEBALL.
9:18- Before you all start: NO, THIS IS NOT FUN. Games like this are worse than the Clap. They're worse than Creed. They're just horrid, nasty, vicious little things, and for shame, FOR SHAME, Major League Baseball,for shutting down Bill Veeck's innovation of the moving outfield wall to eliminate this horseshit.
9:28- Pujols walks, Holliday on with two outs. IT'S ONLY OCTOBER, HOW ARE WE INTO RERUNS ALREADY?
9:31- Okay, now Berkman has to do something. But hey, hooray for actually getting a hit on two outs!
9:32- Is it possible Pujols pushed on to home to force the throw, thus letting Holliday get to 2nd? He's a pretty cunning base runner, but that...that would be quite an idea.
9:45- Parents shouldn't let their kids watch baseball.
9:46- the transpositive to my 7:14 update is that at least it's going to be another 3 outs before the Cardinals can fall behind.
9:55- Jeremy Pelzer: "After the game, Matt Holliday is going to DD for 8 Cardinals and out of habit leave them stranded at the bar"
10:04- I love that Texas fans are now booing the intentional walk. Where was this in...oh...every other inning tonight, guys?
10:07- As Dotel hits the showers, Texas fans sing "Hey hey hey Goodbye". Jesus christ, you tooth-fucked gorillas. This is Tony LaRussa, he moves pitchers around like Josh Hamilton on Spring Break. You're cheering on him executing his normal strategy.
10:13- Texas fans are so excited, they ALMOST remembered that this isn't football!
10:14- Fuck it, I'm done. If the Cardinals aren't bothering to try, why would I?
10:15- The Channel 3 weather lady- who has been there for a billion years- is talking about seeing the aurora boriealis. And it pisses me off. Bitch.
10:19- Ben Rathert is ordinarily a stand-up guy. One of the most generous, gracious men I know.
But he quoted Bruce Springsteen (think about it for a minute) in explaining this game. For this, he deserves nothing but your finest murders.
10:29- I think even a blow job would piss me off right now.
10:39- Fuck you, HIMYM, Weird Al is awesome.
10:40- Going to bed. You just go to hell.
7:09- Pretty sure we're fucked again- my lucky t-shirt is still in the dryer.
7:13- Fuck it, the shirt's wet, and I'm wearing it anyway. SO SEXXXY.
7:14- The worst thing about baseball, opposed to other sports, is that there's a whole half of the game where you know your team is not going to take the lead, tie it up, or even score. You just gotta wait for those three outs...
7:26- This is a very interesting strike zone we're looking at. And by "interesting" I mean "idiotic".
7:29- I like to think that the Texas fans are booing the head first slide, because FUCK PETE ROSE JUST THAT MUCH. Fucking cheater.
7:30- Although I'm completely against MLB on the Pete Rose thing. Honestly, Ty Cobb is in the Hall, and he's a few orders of magnitude worse than just about everyone else. As a person.
7:33- John Rooney: "A high fastball, for effect." And you guys, he's so fucking dismayed as he says it. Like he's just now fucking realized that this is all just a game, nothing but smoke and mirrors and wonderful lies meant to anasthetize the population of a country slowly slumping into the long sunset of the League of Ordinary Nations.
7:35- "Skip Schumaker" is the name of the star of a series of Boys' Adventure novels. DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO TRACK DOWN THOSE SMUGGLERS HE SAW BY THE QUARRY?
7:36- "Boys' Adventure" is the name of a genre that ought to be much gayer than the actual novels are.
7:37- Unless I'm wrong- did the Hardy Boys have girlfriends?
7:44- Apparently, Nick Punto tried- and FAILED- to break his bat over his knee after that last out. But don't worry, he's GRITTY.
7:45- I think Mike Shannon has confused the Louisville Slugger factory with Olivander's wand shop. It's okay. Mike Shannon just still wants to believe in wonder. And who's going to take that away from him? WHO? YOU, BILL GAMMONS? YOU, BILL JAMES? YOU, BOB COSTAS?
7:46- Ha ha, that last update was RIDICULOUS. Bob Costas isn't going to take away anyone's wonder, he's a farie that only survives because you clapped your hands to show that you believed in him.
7:51- The Texas Rangers will win these games harder if they start playing better defense.
7:53- Mike Shannon is amazing. "Ah, I know they walked SOMEBODY in Game One." That is the analysis America needs right now.
7:54- CJ Wilson- "Fuck this 'Not Walking Pujols' horseshit, I'm'a walk Pujols!" And then he does.
7:57- Matt Holiday remains mostly useless at the plate. BUT, he's white, so half the people I see like him more than Pujols.
8:00- Mike Napoli will stalk my nightmares.
8:02- Everyone: "Gee, Colby, why do you only listen to these games on the radio?" Me: "Because on the Television box, they let Derek Holland do his Harry Carry impression."
8:03- I once heard that Mitch Moreland was the inspiration for the bad guy mutants in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. No, not Bee-Bop and Rocksteady. The other, shittier mutants, because the movie fucking hated you too much to show you the characters you loved.
8:05- It's very possible that Mitch Moreland has no idea what TMNT II was. This is because he's young, but also a douche-hole.
8:06- Worst part about this WS is between TLR and Ron Washington, some "small ball" cock knuckle who doesn't believe in "counting" is going to be vindicated for another goddamn year.
8:07- Oh, thank cool ranch Jesus.
8:15- If my calculations are correct, Freese's AB has taken 146 pitches.
8:16- Dear Cardinals Batters: STOP BEING USELESS. FUCK.
8:22- Who came up with that name, anyway? "Texas"? Sounds fucking fishy to me.
8:25- CWS Western Correspondent Jeremy Pelzer reports: "KMOX has a completely different broadcast west of the Mississippi in which Mike Shannon talks in a BBC accent & regales us with stories of him & Malcolm Forbes." I have no choice but to believe him.
8:26- Who the fuck is Malcom Forbes? Is he some other fucking 13 year old on Texas' bench that's gonna stand up and hit the ball all the way from Arlington to my crotch? 'Cause I'm getting sick of those little shits.
8:29- "Gee Whiz, Mr. Turlington! I can't believe we actually returned the pirate's treasure to the museum!" -Skip Schumaker, on hitting a single.
8:32- Cunning strategy. No one wants to see Nick Punto swing the bat.
8:33- Mike Shannon- "They don't bunt over here in the American League very much." They JUST did it like, 2 innings ago. You're drunk already, aren't you?
8:36- Did Pujols even bother to walk to the batter's box?
8:37- Oh, great, here comes Holliday.
8:41- Sweet Jesus in a smoking birchtree canoe. He'd save us time if he just swung blindly.
8:45- Mitch Moreland invented credit default swaps.
8:49- Chris Carpenter: "Hey guys, I wanna get aboard the fuck up train, too!"
8:57- Okay, a one out base hit and a pitching change. That's not a sure thing, but it's not the flaccid penis of the previous three innings.
9:07- The Cardinals have stranded 5,672 base runners tonight.
9:12- GOD, FUCK.
9:12- Adrian Beltre's crimes are too well known and serious to be documented in this funny make-em-up-blog.
9:14- As near as I can tell, Nelson Cruz is an innocent soul. Carpenter's the sinner on this one.
9:15- STOP. LETTING. EVERYONE. HIT. THE KNEE-FUCKING BASEBALL.
9:18- Before you all start: NO, THIS IS NOT FUN. Games like this are worse than the Clap. They're worse than Creed. They're just horrid, nasty, vicious little things, and for shame, FOR SHAME, Major League Baseball,for shutting down Bill Veeck's innovation of the moving outfield wall to eliminate this horseshit.
9:28- Pujols walks, Holliday on with two outs. IT'S ONLY OCTOBER, HOW ARE WE INTO RERUNS ALREADY?
9:31- Okay, now Berkman has to do something. But hey, hooray for actually getting a hit on two outs!
9:32- Is it possible Pujols pushed on to home to force the throw, thus letting Holliday get to 2nd? He's a pretty cunning base runner, but that...that would be quite an idea.
9:45- Parents shouldn't let their kids watch baseball.
9:46- the transpositive to my 7:14 update is that at least it's going to be another 3 outs before the Cardinals can fall behind.
9:55- Jeremy Pelzer: "After the game, Matt Holliday is going to DD for 8 Cardinals and out of habit leave them stranded at the bar"
10:04- I love that Texas fans are now booing the intentional walk. Where was this in...oh...every other inning tonight, guys?
10:07- As Dotel hits the showers, Texas fans sing "Hey hey hey Goodbye". Jesus christ, you tooth-fucked gorillas. This is Tony LaRussa, he moves pitchers around like Josh Hamilton on Spring Break. You're cheering on him executing his normal strategy.
10:13- Texas fans are so excited, they ALMOST remembered that this isn't football!
10:14- Fuck it, I'm done. If the Cardinals aren't bothering to try, why would I?
10:15- The Channel 3 weather lady- who has been there for a billion years- is talking about seeing the aurora boriealis. And it pisses me off. Bitch.
10:19- Ben Rathert is ordinarily a stand-up guy. One of the most generous, gracious men I know.
But he quoted Bruce Springsteen (think about it for a minute) in explaining this game. For this, he deserves nothing but your finest murders.
10:29- I think even a blow job would piss me off right now.
10:39- Fuck you, HIMYM, Weird Al is awesome.
10:40- Going to bed. You just go to hell.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
2011 World Series Game 4: St. Louis Cardinals @ Texas Rangers
7:05- Clearly, Albert Pujols' problems with the media are taking a toll on him.
7:06- I'm listening to KMOX, as Tim McCarver's restraining order against me prevents even LISTENING to him.
7:07- Why did Zooey Deschenal dress like a slutty Chicago Blackhawk? Has she been reading my dream journal?
7:13- Jeremy, upon hearing about this blog: "in other words,http://colbyliv
7:19- The Cards' streak of striking first in the Post-season- an utterly meaningless, but focused-upon stat- ends here.
7:20- Mike Shannon: "It's a long way between here and Tiperary." Me: Sure, but what the fucking fuck are you talking about?
7:36- I'm not watching Fox- has Joe Buck made a "Mr. Holland's Opus" joke yet? That's probably a little too cultured for Tim McCarver.
7:55- I think I'd deal with my team losing a lot better if I didn't have to hear the other team's fans, y'know, experiencing joy.
8:13- As it turns out, when your team is losing 1-0 into the fourth inning, you don't have much to say about the game.
8:14- Wait, seriously, what's up with how late anything's actually happening in these games? Even Pujols' watermelon-smashing machine routine didn't start until the sixth inning or so* last night. Did the players not account for daylight savings time?
8:20: Mike Shannon- "He could change the lightbulbs up there, if he wanted." - on David Murphy at first base. WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY MEAN?
8:21- BTW, if Mike Shannon says three things in one night that leave me frightened and confused, we all get a free breakfast burrito at Sonic tomorrow. Or Candyman comes out of the mirror and murders us. Something. Let's find out together!
8:23- "Mitch Moreland" is the name of your state senator who only got elected 'cause he drove his pickup truck around the district.
8:30- This game is flying by. Do all the players a bonfire at Kinky Friedman's house to get to?
8:31- Yeah, that's the best I can do in terms of Texas jokes.
8:46- So awesome- Mike Shannon is trying to explain "Stand Up to Cancer". John Rooney is, y'know, ACTUALLY explaining it.
9:01- The phrase "needless to say" has never stopped Mike Shannon from actually SAYING it.
9:06- I feel like this is WAY too late to pull Jackson, but at the same time, he'd only given up one run until now. He just looked shitty doing it.
9:08- Why does The Ballpark at Arlington play "Minnie the Moocher"? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Texas, I'll never understand you.
9:09- Also, "The Ballpark at Arlington" is a fucking fuck-tarded name for a ballpark. What the fuck, Texas, you wouldn't know what place you were talking about if you gave it an actual fucking name? No, you wouldn't, because you're the doorknob-humpers who keep electing Bushes and Perrys to your dumb shit grab-assing offices.
9:10- it's possible that Mike "I Can't Read" Napoli homered in the middle of my last update. This may have affected my emotional state.
9:11- Rooney: "The crowd is quiet now, after celebrating the home run by Napoli." Of course, because Texas fans don't actually give a baker's fuck about baseball. They're already back to thinking about the future gas-station attendants that make up their local high school's football teams.
9:17- Also: FUCK.
9:18- WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCK, WHY?
9:19 (I'm assuming)- OH GOD, WHY DO YOU TRUNK-FUCK ME SO?
9:21- Dear Assholes in Red: This isn't 200-crutch-fucking-6. This pitcher can make a throw to first without the ball flying into his own fucking armpit.
9:22- BASEBALL BETTER, DAMMIT.
9:24- I hate everything, and will never feel joy again. That being said, "God Bless America" is by far my favorite of the traditional "Yay America!" songs. WAY better than the national anthem. Yeah, I said it. I don't give a fuck anymore.
9:27- So...cold...
9:28- John Rooney, why are you still talking about "Minnie the Moocher"? Did Shannon cough his "just keep saying dumb shit things until someone thinks you've been calling games long enough to get into the hall of fame" germs on you?
9:46- Ryan Theriot isn't very good at baseball.
9:59- Someday, I will tell my kids where I was when I watched this game. I will tell them, "I was on the rage train to Angerville. Population: Fuck."
10:14- You fools! It was always our intention to look like bitches in Game 4, so as to increase your eventual humiliation!
7:06- I'm listening to KMOX, as Tim McCarver's restraining order against me prevents even LISTENING to him.
7:07- Why did Zooey Deschenal dress like a slutty Chicago Blackhawk? Has she been reading my dream journal?
7:13- Jeremy, upon hearing about this blog: "in other words,http://colbyliv
7:19- The Cards' streak of striking first in the Post-season- an utterly meaningless, but focused-upon stat- ends here.
7:20- Mike Shannon: "It's a long way between here and Tiperary." Me: Sure, but what the fucking fuck are you talking about?
7:36- I'm not watching Fox- has Joe Buck made a "Mr. Holland's Opus" joke yet? That's probably a little too cultured for Tim McCarver.
7:55- I think I'd deal with my team losing a lot better if I didn't have to hear the other team's fans, y'know, experiencing joy.
8:13- As it turns out, when your team is losing 1-0 into the fourth inning, you don't have much to say about the game.
8:14- Wait, seriously, what's up with how late anything's actually happening in these games? Even Pujols' watermelon-smashing machine routine didn't start until the sixth inning or so* last night. Did the players not account for daylight savings time?
8:20: Mike Shannon- "He could change the lightbulbs up there, if he wanted." - on David Murphy at first base. WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY MEAN?
8:21- BTW, if Mike Shannon says three things in one night that leave me frightened and confused, we all get a free breakfast burrito at Sonic tomorrow. Or Candyman comes out of the mirror and murders us. Something. Let's find out together!
8:23- "Mitch Moreland" is the name of your state senator who only got elected 'cause he drove his pickup truck around the district.
8:30- This game is flying by. Do all the players a bonfire at Kinky Friedman's house to get to?
8:31- Yeah, that's the best I can do in terms of Texas jokes.
8:46- So awesome- Mike Shannon is trying to explain "Stand Up to Cancer". John Rooney is, y'know, ACTUALLY explaining it.
9:01- The phrase "needless to say" has never stopped Mike Shannon from actually SAYING it.
9:06- I feel like this is WAY too late to pull Jackson, but at the same time, he'd only given up one run until now. He just looked shitty doing it.
9:08- Why does The Ballpark at Arlington play "Minnie the Moocher"? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Texas, I'll never understand you.
9:09- Also, "The Ballpark at Arlington" is a fucking fuck-tarded name for a ballpark. What the fuck, Texas, you wouldn't know what place you were talking about if you gave it an actual fucking name? No, you wouldn't, because you're the doorknob-humpers who keep electing Bushes and Perrys to your dumb shit grab-assing offices.
9:10- it's possible that Mike "I Can't Read" Napoli homered in the middle of my last update. This may have affected my emotional state.
9:11- Rooney: "The crowd is quiet now, after celebrating the home run by Napoli." Of course, because Texas fans don't actually give a baker's fuck about baseball. They're already back to thinking about the future gas-station attendants that make up their local high school's football teams.
9:17- Also: FUCK.
9:18- WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCK, WHY?
9:19 (I'm assuming)- OH GOD, WHY DO YOU TRUNK-FUCK ME SO?
9:21- Dear Assholes in Red: This isn't 200-crutch-fucking-6. This pitcher can make a throw to first without the ball flying into his own fucking armpit.
9:22- BASEBALL BETTER, DAMMIT.
9:24- I hate everything, and will never feel joy again. That being said, "God Bless America" is by far my favorite of the traditional "Yay America!" songs. WAY better than the national anthem. Yeah, I said it. I don't give a fuck anymore.
9:27- So...cold...
9:28- John Rooney, why are you still talking about "Minnie the Moocher"? Did Shannon cough his "just keep saying dumb shit things until someone thinks you've been calling games long enough to get into the hall of fame" germs on you?
9:46- Ryan Theriot isn't very good at baseball.
9:59- Someday, I will tell my kids where I was when I watched this game. I will tell them, "I was on the rage train to Angerville. Population: Fuck."
10:14- You fools! It was always our intention to look like bitches in Game 4, so as to increase your eventual humiliation!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)