So, I watched the Blackhawks/Red Wings game today. NHL Network used the Fox Sports Detroit feed, with Ken Daniels and Mickey Redmond calling the game. On every questionable play- and by "questionable" I mean "only the most delusional of Blackhawks partisans would have any problem with it"- they fell over each other to excuse the Red Wings of any misconduct.
The role of the home-town broadcasters is hard to pin down, I suppose. They almost certainly get close to the team, and their primary audience is the team's die hard fans, so there's a lot of incentive for them to give the team some rhetorical support. If they knew they were going to call the game for a national network (and NHL Network counts for that, more or less), then there's the added impulse to kind of help put the team's best foot forward.
But still, the primary job of the broadcasters is to inform the people watching, and to do so accurately and fully. The impulse to support the team on the air, that's actually what makes the job hard enough that they don't give it to just anyone. You gotta put that aside when the team is clearly on the wrong end of things.
Now, I don't know if the Red Wings were committing penalties that went uncalled today. I don't know how the game is called quite that well. But it's a tough, physical game with a lot of gray areas, so I'm sure that the Wings weren't just as pure as driven snow for all 60 minutes. And their broadcasters' job was to tell us that, even if their sympathies pushed against that.
Showing posts with label Blackhawks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blackhawks. Show all posts
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
A LONG WALK HOME
This afternoon, my beloved Chicago Blackhawks beat their divisional rival the St. Louis Blues 3-1. This was their first game at home after a disastrous road trip. Since that road trip started, the Hawks' record is 9-3, and the three wins have all come in the last three games.
However, there's an old adage that a team is never as good as it looks on a winning streak, nor as bad as it looks on a losing streak. I think that's what we're looking at here. The Hawks woeful run of games caused them to drop from sixth in the division...to sixth in the division. They're eleven games over .500 with 71 points. Even the goalies- who have come in for the most criticism in the 9 game skid, and most of it was deserved- are 21-14 (Crawford) and 11-7 (Emery).
This is not to say that the 9 game skid wasn't pretty bad, or that the team is destined to hoist the Cup. It's certainly not to say that Crawford and Emery are perfectly fine goalies. It's just to say that, well, the season is long, and it's made up of a lot of parts that seem really great and a lot of parts that seem really horrible, and both ends of the spectrum don't really tell you much about the season as a whole.
There's this weird bifurcation in sports, where what is actually important- the season as whole- get abstracted into a stat line while what is actually a bit more frivolous- any single regular season game- is immediate, visceral, and exciting. This works for players; they don't have to think about being 8 points back in the standings, they just have to think about the next game, the next period, the next SHIFT, even. Just start with having one good shift the next time you're on the ice, right? Worry about the shift after that when you play it.
The role of the fan- and I do think fans have a role to play in sports- can't be broken down into discrete events quite so easily. I think we fans do need to spend a little more time taking the long view, remembering previous successes (some of which may not be as long ago as it seems) and recognizing that all it takes is one game, or one goal, or just one funny hop for a losing streak to end.
I'm not saying we should avoid the excitement and joy of a single game- watch me at a game, I cheer everything, include the announcement of the raffle winners- and I'm not saying we can't criticize the team when they're mired in a losing streak. I can talk about sample sizes and flukes all day long, but something clearly went wrong during the Hawks' 9 game losing streak, and it's fair to ask if that can't be fixed before the playoffs. Let's just keep in mind that this, too, will pass.
It's an almost Obama-esque commitment to keeping your cool, staying on an even keel, and playing the long game. And that's a lot to ask for a lot of us, myself included. But it's something to aspire to, at least.
However, there's an old adage that a team is never as good as it looks on a winning streak, nor as bad as it looks on a losing streak. I think that's what we're looking at here. The Hawks woeful run of games caused them to drop from sixth in the division...to sixth in the division. They're eleven games over .500 with 71 points. Even the goalies- who have come in for the most criticism in the 9 game skid, and most of it was deserved- are 21-14 (Crawford) and 11-7 (Emery).
This is not to say that the 9 game skid wasn't pretty bad, or that the team is destined to hoist the Cup. It's certainly not to say that Crawford and Emery are perfectly fine goalies. It's just to say that, well, the season is long, and it's made up of a lot of parts that seem really great and a lot of parts that seem really horrible, and both ends of the spectrum don't really tell you much about the season as a whole.
There's this weird bifurcation in sports, where what is actually important- the season as whole- get abstracted into a stat line while what is actually a bit more frivolous- any single regular season game- is immediate, visceral, and exciting. This works for players; they don't have to think about being 8 points back in the standings, they just have to think about the next game, the next period, the next SHIFT, even. Just start with having one good shift the next time you're on the ice, right? Worry about the shift after that when you play it.
The role of the fan- and I do think fans have a role to play in sports- can't be broken down into discrete events quite so easily. I think we fans do need to spend a little more time taking the long view, remembering previous successes (some of which may not be as long ago as it seems) and recognizing that all it takes is one game, or one goal, or just one funny hop for a losing streak to end.
I'm not saying we should avoid the excitement and joy of a single game- watch me at a game, I cheer everything, include the announcement of the raffle winners- and I'm not saying we can't criticize the team when they're mired in a losing streak. I can talk about sample sizes and flukes all day long, but something clearly went wrong during the Hawks' 9 game losing streak, and it's fair to ask if that can't be fixed before the playoffs. Let's just keep in mind that this, too, will pass.
It's an almost Obama-esque commitment to keeping your cool, staying on an even keel, and playing the long game. And that's a lot to ask for a lot of us, myself included. But it's something to aspire to, at least.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Chicago Blackhawsk @ St. Louis Blues
7:10- That last game, the one against the collection of misshapen British smiles known as the Vancouver Canucks, almost killed me. I wanted to hurt myself and others. Well, with this blog tonight, I'm taking care of the "others" part.
7:14- With the NBA locked out, Comcast Chicago has taken to showing classic JOrdan-era Bulls games. That... will work, Comcast. That will do just fine.
7:19- Did it The Blues just learn about the Lokomotiv tragedy this afternoon? Because seriously, this could've been scheduled a lot better.
7:21- Pat Foley- "It's a little late, but who cares?" I care. I mean, I'm a post 9-11 American, I get fetishizing tragedy. But goddammit, two months after that, the Yankees were playing their games on time.
7:36- The Blues' new head coach- Alfred Hitchcock, or some damn thing- admits that putting Kane and Toews on separate lines messes up his plans on how to defend them. How nice of him, to reveal that he only planned for one circumstance.
7:23- Is the anthem singer holding a hat? Will he pass it later for donations?
7:24- This guy is shifting keys more than that little guy at the end of the second Matrix movie.
7:27- Wait, why the fuck are the 'Hawks in their home sweaters? Is the Scott Trade center actually in East St. Louis?
7:33- The Blues' forwards might try receiving a pass, rather than just limply swatting at it as it bounces past them.
7:38- Sobotka scores for the Blues. Guess he finally got the port of Baltimore dredged.
7:42- And Carcillo's picked a fight. FIGHTS TOTALLY PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD, RIGHT?
7:50- The announcers are telling us how John Scott has it switching between offense and defense. The only thing worse than watching John Scott skate is listening to the Ballad of John Scott.
8:25- Right now, the 'Hawks look like dirt that's been fucked by an elephant. BUT OH, THEY'VE GOT GRIT, NOW.
8:28- Finally, the 'Hawks get a PP. Oh, wait, their PP is a horrifying spiraling descent into my most depressing nightmares.
8:31- That was the Stephen King's "The Shining" of Power Plays. That third clear was the elevator full of blood.
8:34- I hate few things more than I hate these tequila commercials. Why is this 34 year old douchebasket talking like the Shit My Dad Says guy?
8:40- The last five minutes of this game have been so terrible, I think one of these stumblefucks stepped on MY dick.
8:45- Did someone coat the ice with anal lube?
8:48- This game is worse than that "Party at the Top of the World" song.
8:51- We're through 40 minutes, and the 'Hawks look worse than Lindsay Lohan is going to look in her Playboy pictorial.
8:52- Yeah, "pictorial". 'Cause it's the classy way to show folks your tatties.
9:12- Pat Foley makes a joke about "magnetic boards", indicating that the players are really pinned to the boards. Steve Konroyd is following up on that like it's actually a thing.
9:31- OH GEE LOOK, THE GAME ENDED EARLY. Time to watch the New Girl.
7:14- With the NBA locked out, Comcast Chicago has taken to showing classic JOrdan-era Bulls games. That... will work, Comcast. That will do just fine.
7:19- Did it The Blues just learn about the Lokomotiv tragedy this afternoon? Because seriously, this could've been scheduled a lot better.
7:21- Pat Foley- "It's a little late, but who cares?" I care. I mean, I'm a post 9-11 American, I get fetishizing tragedy. But goddammit, two months after that, the Yankees were playing their games on time.
7:36- The Blues' new head coach- Alfred Hitchcock, or some damn thing- admits that putting Kane and Toews on separate lines messes up his plans on how to defend them. How nice of him, to reveal that he only planned for one circumstance.
7:23- Is the anthem singer holding a hat? Will he pass it later for donations?
7:24- This guy is shifting keys more than that little guy at the end of the second Matrix movie.
7:27- Wait, why the fuck are the 'Hawks in their home sweaters? Is the Scott Trade center actually in East St. Louis?
7:33- The Blues' forwards might try receiving a pass, rather than just limply swatting at it as it bounces past them.
7:38- Sobotka scores for the Blues. Guess he finally got the port of Baltimore dredged.
7:42- And Carcillo's picked a fight. FIGHTS TOTALLY PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD, RIGHT?
7:50- The announcers are telling us how John Scott has it switching between offense and defense. The only thing worse than watching John Scott skate is listening to the Ballad of John Scott.
8:25- Right now, the 'Hawks look like dirt that's been fucked by an elephant. BUT OH, THEY'VE GOT GRIT, NOW.
8:28- Finally, the 'Hawks get a PP. Oh, wait, their PP is a horrifying spiraling descent into my most depressing nightmares.
8:31- That was the Stephen King's "The Shining" of Power Plays. That third clear was the elevator full of blood.
8:34- I hate few things more than I hate these tequila commercials. Why is this 34 year old douchebasket talking like the Shit My Dad Says guy?
8:40- The last five minutes of this game have been so terrible, I think one of these stumblefucks stepped on MY dick.
8:45- Did someone coat the ice with anal lube?
8:48- This game is worse than that "Party at the Top of the World" song.
8:51- We're through 40 minutes, and the 'Hawks look worse than Lindsay Lohan is going to look in her Playboy pictorial.
8:52- Yeah, "pictorial". 'Cause it's the classy way to show folks your tatties.
9:12- Pat Foley makes a joke about "magnetic boards", indicating that the players are really pinned to the boards. Steve Konroyd is following up on that like it's actually a thing.
9:31- OH GEE LOOK, THE GAME ENDED EARLY. Time to watch the New Girl.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks Period 3: Will We Get a Winner?
9:23- The "Key to the Third Period" is to win one for the sick kid who dropped the puck tonight. Not to take anything away from the kid, he deserves the attention, but "win it for him" isn't really a strategy.
9:30- The ref negates another goal. Pat and Eddie say that's a good call, I say they're in on this bullshit. Can we win just one goddamn game against regulation? I mean, I know the Blue Jackets suck, but you don't get extra rules to even that out.
9:32- Stalberg scores on the 4-on-4, but it's probably just a matter of time before they wave that one off, too.
9:33- I hope on the next Hawks PK, the refs step in to be the fifth man for us, too.
9:38- Pat Foley promised to tell us the final decision of the officials when they come back from the commercial break. Well done, Pat. That's a LOST-caliber cliffhanger.
9:40- Enter Sandman is playing in the UC. Because in hockey, it's always 1995.
9:43- And now Pat and Eddie are explaining to us why Stalberg isn't that good a player. Which, fine, he's not, but he DID just score two goals in about 12 seconds. Can we maybe wait until his next fuck up at this point?
9:44- I'm just saying, I think everyone has a basic human right for a few minutes a day without having to suffer Sgt. Prickinstein and his Howlin' Commandos. Why don't you just let this be Stalberg's?
9:45- Now they're bitching how kids don't read the dictionary anymore, they go to the web. You know that what's on the web is just a dictionary, too, right? AND you can see titties!
9:51- ANOTHER Hawks goal is waved off. Though again, this one seems legit. Now I think the Blackhawks are just using these for back door time outs.
9:52- Patrick Kane likes the idea of "back door" anything, heh heh heh.
9:59- Now the Blue Jackets get a goal waved off! Where is this gonna end? If you gotta wave off every time the Blue Jackets don't score a goal, your arms are gonna get tired, dude.
10:07- Columbus pulled the goalie, but has put him back. I guess they're just not ready for kids.
10:15- Frolik gets an empty-netter, and soemone needs to do a mathmatical study of the viability of that play. With graphs and charts and solutions for X.
Game ends, 5-2 Hawks. I'm starting to see a pattern that they really turn it on in the 3rd- which is a welcomed change from last year, where they really shat all over everything in the third.
9:30- The ref negates another goal. Pat and Eddie say that's a good call, I say they're in on this bullshit. Can we win just one goddamn game against regulation? I mean, I know the Blue Jackets suck, but you don't get extra rules to even that out.
9:32- Stalberg scores on the 4-on-4, but it's probably just a matter of time before they wave that one off, too.
9:33- I hope on the next Hawks PK, the refs step in to be the fifth man for us, too.
9:38- Pat Foley promised to tell us the final decision of the officials when they come back from the commercial break. Well done, Pat. That's a LOST-caliber cliffhanger.
9:40- Enter Sandman is playing in the UC. Because in hockey, it's always 1995.
9:43- And now Pat and Eddie are explaining to us why Stalberg isn't that good a player. Which, fine, he's not, but he DID just score two goals in about 12 seconds. Can we maybe wait until his next fuck up at this point?
9:44- I'm just saying, I think everyone has a basic human right for a few minutes a day without having to suffer Sgt. Prickinstein and his Howlin' Commandos. Why don't you just let this be Stalberg's?
9:45- Now they're bitching how kids don't read the dictionary anymore, they go to the web. You know that what's on the web is just a dictionary, too, right? AND you can see titties!
9:51- ANOTHER Hawks goal is waved off. Though again, this one seems legit. Now I think the Blackhawks are just using these for back door time outs.
9:52- Patrick Kane likes the idea of "back door" anything, heh heh heh.
9:59- Now the Blue Jackets get a goal waved off! Where is this gonna end? If you gotta wave off every time the Blue Jackets don't score a goal, your arms are gonna get tired, dude.
10:07- Columbus pulled the goalie, but has put him back. I guess they're just not ready for kids.
10:15- Frolik gets an empty-netter, and soemone needs to do a mathmatical study of the viability of that play. With graphs and charts and solutions for X.
Game ends, 5-2 Hawks. I'm starting to see a pattern that they really turn it on in the 3rd- which is a welcomed change from last year, where they really shat all over everything in the third.
Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks: Period 2: Electric Boogaloo
8:35- The Hawks have left their net all but empty twice, but luckily, the emo nihilists that make up the Blue Jackets said, "Why bother? It's all bullshit anyway."
8:40- Toews is called for a penalty. He knew it was coming, so he gave some jerk a cheap shot. What the hell, he's already going to the box.
8:41- That's 8 penalty minutes. Greasy god. Are the Hawks going through their rebellious teenager phase? Could some cheerleader just give 'em a handy so they calm down?
8:42- MY BAD! Whiskey Dick gets the Penalty, Hawks on the power play. I'd recommend a handy for Whiskey Dick, too, but, well, the problem presents itself, doesn't it?
8:44- Two shots look like goals, but aren't called. The replay looks like they shouldn't be goals. But can't we call them goals on federal "Make Ohioans miserable" laws?
8:46- BTW, this, like all video review, goes to the NHL's "War Room" in Toronto. The refs call it in, the nerds check it out and make the final call. It's basically my favorite method of reviewing a play. And yeah, I rank those. Don't you?
8:51- Foley: "The Blue Jackets have only made the playoffs- well, they've never won a playoff game, let's put it that way." I love it when the broadcasters realize they don't know what they're talking about after their gobs have already been flapping for most of a sentence.
8:53- Though to be fair to Pat, he at least course corrected. Tim McCarver would just double-down on the horseshit. Mike Shannon would just drink more.
8:54- This is a ridiculously horrific Power Play. This is the "Scooby Doo 2" of Power Plays.
8:56- Some jerk on Columbus- who's only claim to fame, as far as Foley can tell, is that he played in the AHL- scores. 2-2.
8:59- The very fact that this game is tied should make the Hawks feel like they ate bad taco meat.
9:07- What a horrid little mongoloid of a period. See you in the next thread.
8:40- Toews is called for a penalty. He knew it was coming, so he gave some jerk a cheap shot. What the hell, he's already going to the box.
8:41- That's 8 penalty minutes. Greasy god. Are the Hawks going through their rebellious teenager phase? Could some cheerleader just give 'em a handy so they calm down?
8:42- MY BAD! Whiskey Dick gets the Penalty, Hawks on the power play. I'd recommend a handy for Whiskey Dick, too, but, well, the problem presents itself, doesn't it?
8:44- Two shots look like goals, but aren't called. The replay looks like they shouldn't be goals. But can't we call them goals on federal "Make Ohioans miserable" laws?
8:46- BTW, this, like all video review, goes to the NHL's "War Room" in Toronto. The refs call it in, the nerds check it out and make the final call. It's basically my favorite method of reviewing a play. And yeah, I rank those. Don't you?
8:51- Foley: "The Blue Jackets have only made the playoffs- well, they've never won a playoff game, let's put it that way." I love it when the broadcasters realize they don't know what they're talking about after their gobs have already been flapping for most of a sentence.
8:53- Though to be fair to Pat, he at least course corrected. Tim McCarver would just double-down on the horseshit. Mike Shannon would just drink more.
8:54- This is a ridiculously horrific Power Play. This is the "Scooby Doo 2" of Power Plays.
8:56- Some jerk on Columbus- who's only claim to fame, as far as Foley can tell, is that he played in the AHL- scores. 2-2.
8:59- The very fact that this game is tied should make the Hawks feel like they ate bad taco meat.
9:07- What a horrid little mongoloid of a period. See you in the next thread.
Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks
7:04- I just watched my first "Coach's Corner" with Don Cherry. I've seen political manifestos broadcast over pirated television signals that made more sense. And dressed better. It wasn't nearly enough different from this for me to avoid nightmares tonight.
7:07- BTW- If you click that link- HAPPY HALLOWEEN, I JUST RAPED YOUR NIGHTMARES.
7:33- I'm watching on an online feed of WGN. SHHHH. DON'T TELL THE GOVERNMENT.
7:34- The Blackhawks are coming off of a pretty terrible game in Carolina, but Carolina has always had them by the short-n-curlies. The Blue Jackets, to the best of my knowledge, are coming off of a swirling maw of inexplicable existential horror. There's no society, no civilization. Just one bad hockey team trying to make sense of a broken world.
7:35- Should be a good game!
7:39- The Hawks are rocking their back-up goalie, Ray Emery, and their second line winger, Dan Carcillo, just got a suspension. But this is the game they can afford to be short handed.
7:41- Samuel Lepisto is in the line-up for the Hawks tonight. FIRE IN LEPISTO! FIRE IN THE TACO BELL!
7:42- Ben Walker's secret boyfriend, John Scott, is also in the line up. Next time you see Ben, ask him about that.
7:42- Marcus Kruger with the first goal. Hawks lead 1-0 with 16:58 to go in the first period.
7:47- Some poor, damned soul stuck on the Blue Jackets scores a goal of his own, as Emery is apparently way the fuck up in Evanston and can't get to the other side of the net in time. 1-1.
7:51- There were so many people falling over each other there, the crease looked like a Woodstock mud orgy.
7:55- Dave Bolland is sent to detention for trippin' balls, man. Blue Jackets on the power play, and their power play is pretty much the worst athletic event in North America.
7:58- Now some unbaptized child who plays for the Blue Jackets is called for tripping, and the Hawks get their first power play!
8:01- Bolland does some other dumb shit, and BOOM, 4 on 4 hockey. We're one penalty each away from a mini Gus Macker tourney!
8:05- Every time Pat Foley says "Wysniewski", I hear "whiskey dick".
8:06- Eddie Olzcek: "I want every body to look at this." Eddie O ALWAYS does this. Listen, I get teaching me something about the game, but now you're just handing out assignments. You're not my geometry teacher, Eddie. You're actually much prettier.
8:08- Apparently, just before the game, the Hawks went out and got "THUG LIFE 4 LIFE" tattoos. Toews to the penalty box.
8:10- Sweet original recipe fuck, did the Hawks just get back from The Gathering of the Juggalos or something?
8:11- Boland gets lose on a breakaway, throws in a short-handed goal. 2-1 Hawks.
8:13- First period over. And while the Hawks are acting fine young sociopaths, the Blue Jackets look like those kids in the orphanage who are too old to believe in adoption anymore. They're just broken, and may never know true love.
8:22- Gonna hop to a new thread for the second period, just to keep these things from being as long as Patrick Kane's playoff mullet.
7:07- BTW- If you click that link- HAPPY HALLOWEEN, I JUST RAPED YOUR NIGHTMARES.
7:33- I'm watching on an online feed of WGN. SHHHH. DON'T TELL THE GOVERNMENT.
7:34- The Blackhawks are coming off of a pretty terrible game in Carolina, but Carolina has always had them by the short-n-curlies. The Blue Jackets, to the best of my knowledge, are coming off of a swirling maw of inexplicable existential horror. There's no society, no civilization. Just one bad hockey team trying to make sense of a broken world.
7:35- Should be a good game!
7:39- The Hawks are rocking their back-up goalie, Ray Emery, and their second line winger, Dan Carcillo, just got a suspension. But this is the game they can afford to be short handed.
7:41- Samuel Lepisto is in the line-up for the Hawks tonight. FIRE IN LEPISTO! FIRE IN THE TACO BELL!
7:42- Ben Walker's secret boyfriend, John Scott, is also in the line up. Next time you see Ben, ask him about that.
7:42- Marcus Kruger with the first goal. Hawks lead 1-0 with 16:58 to go in the first period.
7:47- Some poor, damned soul stuck on the Blue Jackets scores a goal of his own, as Emery is apparently way the fuck up in Evanston and can't get to the other side of the net in time. 1-1.
7:51- There were so many people falling over each other there, the crease looked like a Woodstock mud orgy.
7:55- Dave Bolland is sent to detention for trippin' balls, man. Blue Jackets on the power play, and their power play is pretty much the worst athletic event in North America.
7:58- Now some unbaptized child who plays for the Blue Jackets is called for tripping, and the Hawks get their first power play!
8:01- Bolland does some other dumb shit, and BOOM, 4 on 4 hockey. We're one penalty each away from a mini Gus Macker tourney!
8:05- Every time Pat Foley says "Wysniewski", I hear "whiskey dick".
8:06- Eddie Olzcek: "I want every body to look at this." Eddie O ALWAYS does this. Listen, I get teaching me something about the game, but now you're just handing out assignments. You're not my geometry teacher, Eddie. You're actually much prettier.
8:08- Apparently, just before the game, the Hawks went out and got "THUG LIFE 4 LIFE" tattoos. Toews to the penalty box.
8:10- Sweet original recipe fuck, did the Hawks just get back from The Gathering of the Juggalos or something?
8:11- Boland gets lose on a breakaway, throws in a short-handed goal. 2-1 Hawks.
8:13- First period over. And while the Hawks are acting fine young sociopaths, the Blue Jackets look like those kids in the orphanage who are too old to believe in adoption anymore. They're just broken, and may never know true love.
8:22- Gonna hop to a new thread for the second period, just to keep these things from being as long as Patrick Kane's playoff mullet.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Anaheim Ducks @ Chicago Blackhawks
This blog's goal tonight is to make Jeremy Pelzer love hockey. So, to get him up to speed, some players to watch tonight:
Patrick Kane, Blackhawks- Patrick Kane's BAC waivers between .37 and .68. His goal this season is to get it up to .69 because heh heh heh. He's generally simply an offensive weapon, but will try to check every once in a while, which is adorable.
Ryan Getzlaf, Ducks- Probably the biggest threat on the Ducks, though his entire line is balls. I would recommend that the 'Hawks do everything they can to contain this line because I'm just SOOOOOO FUCKING SMART AT HOCKEY.
Duncan Keith, Blackhawks- The anchor of the 'Hawks' defense. He won the NHL's best defensman trophy in '10 (they call this the Norris Trophy, 'cause they name something after everyone. My favorite is the Lady Byng, 'cause what the fuck kind of tough hockey guy would want THAT trophy?) Then, in 2011, he played like finely granulated elephant shit. Let's see what happens next!
Cam Fowler, Ducks- Just because, oh my god, they really did it, those bastards put the kid named "Fowler" on the Ducks.
Your announcers are Pat Foley and Eddie Olczyk. Foley's kind of a legend, but he's losing a step. Olczyk's kind of a dweeb, and needs a few more vowels. They will tell "you young hockey players" what to do. A LOT.
Alright, so that's where we are. Let's begin.
7:42- Sometimes, hockey doesn't lend itself to my bullshittery as much as baseball or football. There's not nearly as many stoppages in play.
7:44- Foley just called Teamu Selanne "the ageless wonder". This is not true. Selanne has quite a bit of age, and it shows. Fucker's just stubborn.
7:54- Jesus' tits, my doppeganger is in section 300 at the United Center. I hope he eats a disgusting amount of hot dogs and wrecks a UC bathroom for all future generations.
7:57- Jamal Mayers got pounded in his backside like a man.
8:38- YEAH MAYERS, TEAR HIS SOUL OUT.
8:39- Fights are never cool enough to warrant my yelling.
8:44- Jonathan Toews doesn't care who's asshole he has to fist, he wants a goddamn goal.
8:47- HOLY SHITTING FUCKS. Get that man a drink!
8:50- Reflexively, I vomit punches whenever an announcer says "he doesn't show up on the score sheet, but..." But in Hockey, I think it's a little more warranted. We just don't have all the statistics to describe everything in hockey yet. Plus, it's really completely a team sport. But it's weird, because there IS a SABR-esque movement going on in the sport right now. I'm just not sure there's a Bill James yet.
9:12- FUCK YES, LITTLE KID. Way to nail the shoot-the-puck contest!
10:09- I'd love to watch just one hockey game this year that doesn't end in the fucking flip-cup contest.
10:12- FINALLY, Hawks win the goddamn basic skills contest. Nice to see Kaner do it, too. I have no idea what that does to his stats, though I guess he had a good night already anyway.
10:13- Sorry about the lengthy absences. Still getting the hang of this as it relates to various, more active sports.
10:14- the UC organist's version of "Chelsea Daggar" is absolutely adorable.
10:15- Sarah Kustok, I don't care how dead your parents are, you're just lovely.
10:17- To make it up to you, I'm going to run my bitchings into the postgame show.
10:22- What are the odds that Kane has nailed Sarah Kustok? Gotta be even, right? I mean, if not leaning TOWARDS.
10:24- Kane was very self-deprecating in his post-game interview, but no one was biting on his jokes. WHAT THE FUCK, MADHOUSE, ARE YOU ALL MADE OF STONE?
10:25- 7 Penalties is pretty much exactly what I expected when they picked up Daniel Carcillo.
10:26- There's a Jose Cuervo ad on. I have no idea why hockey has more ads for the hard liquors oh wait yes I do.
10:31- See, now, here's the commercial with the douchey guy calling me a pussy for not buying 1800 Tequila. Whattup with that? Television, I just want to watch a hockey game, why do you have to emasculate me?
10:33- Joel Quenneville looks like he should be a Ron Swanson-level badass. But he's such a nice, soft spoken guy. What's the fun in that?
10:36- At least Steve Konroyd is up front that losing a couple shootouts isn't a big deal. It's such a bullshit way to end the game. "Hey, you battled for 65 minutes playing a team sport with set rules. We couldn't determine a winner. SO, let's line up and play a completely different game, one-on-one, to figure it out."
10:44- Alright, that's a night. Enjoy your Theopolooza, Chicago!
Patrick Kane, Blackhawks- Patrick Kane's BAC waivers between .37 and .68. His goal this season is to get it up to .69 because heh heh heh. He's generally simply an offensive weapon, but will try to check every once in a while, which is adorable.
Ryan Getzlaf, Ducks- Probably the biggest threat on the Ducks, though his entire line is balls. I would recommend that the 'Hawks do everything they can to contain this line because I'm just SOOOOOO FUCKING SMART AT HOCKEY.
Duncan Keith, Blackhawks- The anchor of the 'Hawks' defense. He won the NHL's best defensman trophy in '10 (they call this the Norris Trophy, 'cause they name something after everyone. My favorite is the Lady Byng, 'cause what the fuck kind of tough hockey guy would want THAT trophy?) Then, in 2011, he played like finely granulated elephant shit. Let's see what happens next!
Cam Fowler, Ducks- Just because, oh my god, they really did it, those bastards put the kid named "Fowler" on the Ducks.
Your announcers are Pat Foley and Eddie Olczyk. Foley's kind of a legend, but he's losing a step. Olczyk's kind of a dweeb, and needs a few more vowels. They will tell "you young hockey players" what to do. A LOT.
Alright, so that's where we are. Let's begin.
7:42- Sometimes, hockey doesn't lend itself to my bullshittery as much as baseball or football. There's not nearly as many stoppages in play.
7:44- Foley just called Teamu Selanne "the ageless wonder". This is not true. Selanne has quite a bit of age, and it shows. Fucker's just stubborn.
7:54- Jesus' tits, my doppeganger is in section 300 at the United Center. I hope he eats a disgusting amount of hot dogs and wrecks a UC bathroom for all future generations.
7:57- Jamal Mayers got pounded in his backside like a man.
8:38- YEAH MAYERS, TEAR HIS SOUL OUT.
8:39- Fights are never cool enough to warrant my yelling.
8:44- Jonathan Toews doesn't care who's asshole he has to fist, he wants a goddamn goal.
8:47- HOLY SHITTING FUCKS. Get that man a drink!
8:50- Reflexively, I vomit punches whenever an announcer says "he doesn't show up on the score sheet, but..." But in Hockey, I think it's a little more warranted. We just don't have all the statistics to describe everything in hockey yet. Plus, it's really completely a team sport. But it's weird, because there IS a SABR-esque movement going on in the sport right now. I'm just not sure there's a Bill James yet.
9:12- FUCK YES, LITTLE KID. Way to nail the shoot-the-puck contest!
10:09- I'd love to watch just one hockey game this year that doesn't end in the fucking flip-cup contest.
10:12- FINALLY, Hawks win the goddamn basic skills contest. Nice to see Kaner do it, too. I have no idea what that does to his stats, though I guess he had a good night already anyway.
10:13- Sorry about the lengthy absences. Still getting the hang of this as it relates to various, more active sports.
10:14- the UC organist's version of "Chelsea Daggar" is absolutely adorable.
10:15- Sarah Kustok, I don't care how dead your parents are, you're just lovely.
10:17- To make it up to you, I'm going to run my bitchings into the postgame show.
10:22- What are the odds that Kane has nailed Sarah Kustok? Gotta be even, right? I mean, if not leaning TOWARDS.
10:24- Kane was very self-deprecating in his post-game interview, but no one was biting on his jokes. WHAT THE FUCK, MADHOUSE, ARE YOU ALL MADE OF STONE?
10:25- 7 Penalties is pretty much exactly what I expected when they picked up Daniel Carcillo.
10:26- There's a Jose Cuervo ad on. I have no idea why hockey has more ads for the hard liquors oh wait yes I do.
10:31- See, now, here's the commercial with the douchey guy calling me a pussy for not buying 1800 Tequila. Whattup with that? Television, I just want to watch a hockey game, why do you have to emasculate me?
10:33- Joel Quenneville looks like he should be a Ron Swanson-level badass. But he's such a nice, soft spoken guy. What's the fun in that?
10:36- At least Steve Konroyd is up front that losing a couple shootouts isn't a big deal. It's such a bullshit way to end the game. "Hey, you battled for 65 minutes playing a team sport with set rules. We couldn't determine a winner. SO, let's line up and play a completely different game, one-on-one, to figure it out."
10:44- Alright, that's a night. Enjoy your Theopolooza, Chicago!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)