World Series Game 6: Thread Three

8:26- I will just cold start deleting. I'm a mad man who's team is playing like cockless lemurs and OH LOOK, USELESS MCSTRIKEOUT IS UP TO BAT. Don't test me.


8:29- Did we switch to blurnsball while I wasn't looking?


8:30- Did I switch to bourbon while you weren't looking? Why...yes, I did.


8:31- Matt Holliday wasn't in the same stadium as the base, he was just cold runnin' tackling drills. His desire to hurt people pleases me.


8:33- That one almost hit the fifth Molina brother!


8:35- Dear baseball- Damn girl, you're fucking fantastic.


8:36- McCarver: "The Rangers did look a guh-...nevermind." DID HE FINALLY STROKE OFF? HAVE WE WON? CAN THE EWOKS FINALLY SING "YUB YUB"???


8:37- After reformatting his hard drive (by pouring hydrogen peroxide in his ear), McCarver finally gets his thought out: "The Rangers did look a gift horse in the mouth." Listen, defensive lapses in this inning, but I don't think that's from them being overly critical of someone else's generosity.


8:38- After striking out, Punto raises the bat high into the air like he's going to smash it on the ground, then doesn't. CONSISTENCY! Even in rage, he can't put wood on anything! #Sob


8:41- Below- in one of the several mongrel threads that seemed to have formed tonight- Mike Whitlow notes my wild mood swings. This is true, I'm quite losing my mind. But seriously, baseball is fantastic, and this game- for all the soul-felching pain of it- is so much fun to watch.


8:42- AND THEN DAVID FREESE HAS TO GO AND BURP A FART.


8:43- Freese should have his NLCS MVP award taken away, then shoved up his ass.


8:44- BRB, I've got to go count backwards from 1000 by 7s and think about warm brownies.


8:46- OH WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT WHY GOD WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?

EVEN ALFONSO SORIANO WOULD CATCH THAT BALL, AND HE'S STILL GOT HIS LEG STUCK IN A BUCKET!


8:48- Twitter is, all of a sudden, talking about the 1919 Black Sox. Guys, isn't, "They're just little turd-monglers out there" a simpler explanation?


8:53- To be fair to Lewis, he didn't look any worse than Holliday has with 2 outs and RISP. #OccupyLeftField


8:57- My favorite part of a baseball game is when there's three whole outs before the Cardinals' fuckdickery can cost them another run.


9:00- Lance Lynn looks like the guy who knows the age of consent laws in every state.


9:06- Rally towels are played out (and apparently, ineffective). Fans in the STL should throw feathers instead.


9:12- That last "strike" wasn't in the same place as the previous pitch- it was further outside the strike zone. Horseshit.


9:14- Berkman's playing like that diamond in his hand is about to start flashing.


9:16- McCarver: "The reason Colby Lewis is winning this game is...first pitch strikes." Are you sure? 'Cause I have this little theory that a DROPPED INFIELD FLY PUTTING A RUNNER ON WITH NO OUTS has a lot more to do with it.


9:18- McCarver says Lewis is "wearing Holliday out". I thought CW was the longer an AB goes on, the more it swings to the batter?


9:19- My lips to some horrible prankster demon's ears, I suppose.


9:20- Hey, David Freese, remember how you got your dick stuck in a butter churn on that popup? No one else will if you take care of business here.


9:23- Buck- "This is when the national passtime is at its best." No, this is when it most resembles my hated South Park ep where the boys keep trying to intentionally lose games.

World Series Game 6 Thread #2

7:52- Because I will be damned by god's own cock if a Texan gets the top post on my own blog. Not this blog. Not this night.

7:53- We've made too many compromises already. Too many retreats. They pretend to be their own country, and we fall back. They waltz into the White House and invade entire countries, and we fall back. They kick this shit out of my all time favorite sports team, and we fall back. NOT AGAIN! THE LINE MUST BE DRAWN HE-AHH! THIS FAR, NO FURTHER! AND I WILL MAKE THEM PAY FOR WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!

7:56- *Smashes his Dad's collection of miniature baseball stadiums with a phaser rifle*

7:59- Seriously, though, check the thread below. CWS guest blog-entator Mike Whitlow is talking about his mom's reaction to the game, which is a blessed respite from him talking about MY mom's reaction to HIS "game".

8:01- Someone is holding a sign saying "Charlie Shaefer loves the Cardinals". I hope it is NOT Charlie Shaefer, because that would be just awesomely bizzare.

8:04- Hey everyone, let's keep talking about Joe Buck's dead dad. That'll make sure he stops being so laconic and terrible!

8:08- Based on that ad for "J. Edgar", I'm starting the conspiracy theory that Leo DiCaprio actual has a terrible stutter and is choosing projects that let him hide it. NOW GO, EVIL INTERNET! DO MY BIDDING!

8:09- Fernando Salas is pitching to start the fourth. I don't see how that's much different than just eliminating the "starter" role altogether.

8:11- Oh for the love of the great pulsating fuck.

8:12- Matt Holiday: bad at left field. Good at the oboe.

8:13- Mike Napoli killed Steve Jobs with a trident.

9:15- Oh god...the swirly, inky blackness....

8:16- Apparently, Mike Napoli's only weakness is shitty, shitty, absolutely, terrible, seriously, sweet high holy lord of fuck what is WRONG with you people baseball happening six inches over his ear.

8:18- The best thing about Napoli's injury is it gives me time to think about that last play.

8:19- WHOOOPS, BLOGGER TYPO. I meant "drink" about that last play. Fuck.

8:20- Oh, whiskey whiskey, whisk me away...

8:21- Jeremy Pelzer: "Someone should go as Mike Napoli for Halloween to scare the hell out of you."

8:22- Even in catching that ball, Holiday looked like an inbred fart.

8:25- #OccupyLeftField

World Series Game 6: Texas Rangers @ St. Louis Cardinals

6:57- After many days of ruminating- and god save me, did I spend the last few days ruminating- it occurs to me that Game 5 was pretty much exactly what you're secretly terrified of when you hire Tony LaRussa. Granted, no one's hired TLR in fifteen years, and nobody probably ever will again (just because he'll probably retire), but when you do, you think about, y'know, post season experience, his magic with marginal players, his rapport with veteran superstars, his expertise in matchups, Dave Duncan...

...and yet. Somewhere, in the dusty corners of your brain, there's a tiny little voice saying, "He IS a mad scientist. And sometimes, those guys make shit blow up."

7:01- It's gotta be like hiring Robert Downey Jr. You think you're getting something brilliant- and you probably are!- but what happens if he goes on a 24-day glue-stick-huffing bender and is arrested for selling dolphin meat to the North Koreans? Well, what CAN you do? When the Rube Goldberg machine that is Tony LaRussa's management breaks down, there's no plan B. Or rather, there is, but you can't reach it on the bullpen phone.

7:04- Alright, enough of me pretending to know anything. There's at least one more Cardinal baseball game this season. I'm not going to spoil it for myself by worrying about Game 179.

7:05- I'm watching on Fox tonight. God, if there is a god, save my soul, if I have a soul.

7:07- The over under on when I get frustrated and switch over to the NBC comedies is "Parks and Recreation". Place your bets!

7:08- Tim McCarver: "What's really impressive is the way he approaches his talent." I'm moving the over under up to the third commercial break of Community.

7:11- McCarver- "Oh, those devilish walks!" Oh god, shut up so hard.

7:12- It seems like the Rangers don't suffer many double plays. I have no stats to back that up, but it's not stopping McCarver.

7:16- Jamie, it's better to strike out the guys BEFORE the team scores. PRO TIP.

7:17- That one half-inning lasted 73 minutes, right? It wasn't just me?

7:19- Nothing has ever been smarmier than Ashton Kutcher in these stupid camera commercials. I mean, I'd buy that camera, but doesn't the thick layer of douche on the lens ruin the pictures?

7:20- Joe Buck is more enthusiastic about plugging Taco Bell than anything else in this broadcast.

7:22- I just figured it out- Ron Washington is grown up Urkel, isn't he? ISN'T HE? DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!

7:23- Skip Schumaker singles to right center. "Wow, I can't believe Mr. Magillicuddy was the diamond thief this whole time!"

7:24- Berkman, 2-run HR to center field. He hit that ball a foot for every year old he is.

7:26- Berkman, with his sweaty hair, looks like old, fat, totally-jacked-up-on-quaaludes-but-still-asking-Nixon-to-make-him-a-DEA-agent-and-oh-yeah-somehow-getting-a-gun-all-the-way-to-the-Oval-Office Elvis.

7:29- First inning over. Time for four innings of fine, beachwood-aged misery before the next runs.

7:32- Holy shit, #OccupyMyBlog!

7:33- Whitlow, your mom's around? Can I come over?

7:37- A 5-6-4 double play off of Lewis' bunt. That's pretty much the textbook model on how to do that play.

7:39- There are no less than 2 people dressed like Waldo in the crowd. WTF, is it 1992 again already?

7:40- Another left field would have a chance on that ball. But Matt Holliday has the legs of an Easter Island statue...

7:42- Again, if our corner outfielders didn't have repurposed cast-iron skillets for legs...

7:44- Joe Buck: "Rangers President Nolan Ryan...watching with the rest of us!" I love it when Joe Buck just notices someone in the crowd, then quickly has to act like he was actually making a point.

7:45- HA HA HA sob sob sob. http://i.imgur.com/DDSld.jpg

7:49- Home plate umpire: "Not a good way to start the game, Yadi, gettin' drilled right off the bat." Jesus christ, Ump, who the fuck asked you?

7:50- Changing my mind already. I kinda love the idea of the ump talking shit to all the guys as the game goes on. "Wow, Garcia, you must think the Rangers are your pet lhasa apsos, you're walkin' 'em so much."

World Series Game 5: St. Louis Cardinals @ Texas Rangers

7:08- Sometimes, I feel like burning myself, just to feel anything, anything at all.


7:09- Pretty sure we're fucked again- my lucky t-shirt is still in the dryer.


7:13- Fuck it, the shirt's wet, and I'm wearing it anyway. SO SEXXXY.


7:14- The worst thing about baseball, opposed to other sports, is that there's a whole half of the game where you know your team is not going to take the lead, tie it up, or even score. You just gotta wait for those three outs...


7:26- This is a very interesting strike zone we're looking at. And by "interesting" I mean "idiotic".


7:29- I like to think that the Texas fans are booing the head first slide, because FUCK PETE ROSE JUST THAT MUCH. Fucking cheater.


7:30- Although I'm completely against MLB on the Pete Rose thing. Honestly, Ty Cobb is in the Hall, and he's a few orders of magnitude worse than just about everyone else. As a person.


7:33- John Rooney: "A high fastball, for effect." And you guys, he's so fucking dismayed as he says it. Like he's just now fucking realized that this is all just a game, nothing but smoke and mirrors and wonderful lies meant to anasthetize the population of a country slowly slumping into the long sunset of the League of Ordinary Nations.


7:35- "Skip Schumaker" is the name of the star of a series of Boys' Adventure novels. DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE ABLE TO TRACK DOWN THOSE SMUGGLERS HE SAW BY THE QUARRY?


7:36- "Boys' Adventure" is the name of a genre that ought to be much gayer than the actual novels are.


7:37- Unless I'm wrong- did the Hardy Boys have girlfriends?


7:44- Apparently, Nick Punto tried- and FAILED- to break his bat over his knee after that last out. But don't worry, he's GRITTY.


7:45- I think Mike Shannon has confused the Louisville Slugger factory with Olivander's wand shop. It's okay. Mike Shannon just still wants to believe in wonder. And who's going to take that away from him? WHO? YOU, BILL GAMMONS? YOU, BILL JAMES? YOU, BOB COSTAS?


7:46- Ha ha, that last update was RIDICULOUS. Bob Costas isn't going to take away anyone's wonder, he's a farie that only survives because you clapped your hands to show that you believed in him.


7:51- The Texas Rangers will win these games harder if they start playing better defense.


7:53- Mike Shannon is amazing. "Ah, I know they walked SOMEBODY in Game One." That is the analysis America needs right now.


7:54- CJ Wilson- "Fuck this 'Not Walking Pujols' horseshit, I'm'a walk Pujols!" And then he does.


7:57- Matt Holiday remains mostly useless at the plate. BUT, he's white, so half the people I see like him more than Pujols.


8:00- Mike Napoli will stalk my nightmares.


8:02- Everyone: "Gee, Colby, why do you only listen to these games on the radio?" Me: "Because on the Television box, they let Derek Holland do his Harry Carry impression."


8:03- I once heard that Mitch Moreland was the inspiration for the bad guy mutants in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. No, not Bee-Bop and Rocksteady. The other, shittier mutants, because the movie fucking hated you too much to show you the characters you loved.


8:05- It's very possible that Mitch Moreland has no idea what TMNT II was. This is because he's young, but also a douche-hole.


8:06- Worst part about this WS is between TLR and Ron Washington, some "small ball" cock knuckle who doesn't believe in "counting" is going to be vindicated for another goddamn year.


8:07- Oh, thank cool ranch Jesus.


8:15- If my calculations are correct, Freese's AB has taken 146 pitches.


8:16- Dear Cardinals Batters: STOP BEING USELESS. FUCK.


8:22- Who came up with that name, anyway? "Texas"? Sounds fucking fishy to me.


8:25- CWS Western Correspondent Jeremy Pelzer reports: "KMOX has a completely different broadcast west of the Mississippi in which Mike Shannon talks in a BBC accent & regales us with stories of him & Malcolm Forbes." I have no choice but to believe him.


8:26- Who the fuck is Malcom Forbes? Is he some other fucking 13 year old on Texas' bench that's gonna stand up and hit the ball all the way from Arlington to my crotch? 'Cause I'm getting sick of those little shits.


8:29- "Gee Whiz, Mr. Turlington! I can't believe we actually returned the pirate's treasure to the museum!" -Skip Schumaker, on hitting a single.


8:32- Cunning strategy. No one wants to see Nick Punto swing the bat.


8:33- Mike Shannon- "They don't bunt over here in the American League very much." They JUST did it like, 2 innings ago. You're drunk already, aren't you?


8:36- Did Pujols even bother to walk to the batter's box?


8:37- Oh, great, here comes Holliday.


8:41- Sweet Jesus in a smoking birchtree canoe. He'd save us time if he just swung blindly.


8:45- Mitch Moreland invented credit default swaps.


8:49- Chris Carpenter: "Hey guys, I wanna get aboard the fuck up train, too!"


8:57- Okay, a one out base hit and a pitching change. That's not a sure thing, but it's not the flaccid penis of the previous three innings.


9:07- The Cardinals have stranded 5,672 base runners tonight.


9:12- GOD, FUCK.


9:12- Adrian Beltre's crimes are too well known and serious to be documented in this funny make-em-up-blog.


9:14- As near as I can tell, Nelson Cruz is an innocent soul. Carpenter's the sinner on this one.


9:15- STOP. LETTING. EVERYONE. HIT. THE KNEE-FUCKING BASEBALL.


9:18- Before you all start: NO, THIS IS NOT FUN. Games like this are worse than the Clap. They're worse than Creed. They're just horrid, nasty, vicious little things, and for shame, FOR SHAME, Major League Baseball,for shutting down Bill Veeck's innovation of the moving outfield wall to eliminate this horseshit.


9:28- Pujols walks, Holliday on with two outs. IT'S ONLY OCTOBER, HOW ARE WE INTO RERUNS ALREADY?


9:31- Okay, now Berkman has to do something.  But hey, hooray for actually getting a hit on two outs!


9:32- Is it possible Pujols pushed on to home to force the throw, thus letting Holliday get to 2nd? He's a pretty cunning base runner, but that...that would be quite an idea.


9:45- Parents shouldn't let their kids watch baseball.


9:46- the transpositive to my 7:14 update is that at least it's going to be another 3 outs before the Cardinals can fall behind.


9:55- Jeremy Pelzer: "After the game, Matt Holliday is going to DD for 8 Cardinals and out of habit leave them stranded at the bar"


10:04- I love that Texas fans are now booing the intentional walk. Where was this in...oh...every other inning tonight, guys?


10:07- As Dotel hits the showers, Texas fans sing "Hey hey hey Goodbye". Jesus christ, you tooth-fucked gorillas. This is Tony LaRussa, he moves pitchers around like Josh Hamilton on Spring Break. You're cheering on him executing his normal strategy.


10:13- Texas fans are so excited, they ALMOST remembered that this isn't football!


10:14- Fuck it, I'm done. If the Cardinals aren't bothering to try, why would I?


10:15- The Channel 3 weather lady- who has been there for a billion years- is talking about seeing the aurora boriealis. And it pisses me off. Bitch.


10:19- Ben Rathert is ordinarily a stand-up guy. One of the most generous, gracious men I know.


But he quoted Bruce Springsteen (think about it for a minute) in explaining this game. For this, he deserves nothing but your finest murders.


10:29- I think even a blow job would piss me off right now.


10:39- Fuck you, HIMYM, Weird Al is awesome.


10:40- Going to bed. You just go to hell.

2011 World Series Game 4: St. Louis Cardinals @ Texas Rangers

7:05- Clearly, Albert Pujols' problems with the media are taking a toll on him.


7:06- I'm listening to KMOX, as Tim McCarver's restraining order against me prevents even LISTENING to him.


7:07- Why did Zooey Deschenal dress like a slutty Chicago Blackhawk? Has she been reading my dream journal?


7:13- Jeremy, upon hearing about this blog: "in other words,http://colbyliveblogshisheartattack.blogspot.com"


7:19- The Cards' streak of striking first in the Post-season- an utterly meaningless, but focused-upon stat- ends here.


7:20- Mike Shannon: "It's a long way between here and Tiperary." Me: Sure, but what the fucking fuck are you talking about?


7:36- I'm not watching Fox- has Joe Buck made a "Mr. Holland's Opus" joke yet? That's probably a little too cultured for Tim McCarver.


7:55- I think I'd deal with my team losing a lot better if I didn't have to hear the other team's fans, y'know, experiencing joy.


8:13- As it turns out, when your team is losing 1-0 into the fourth inning, you don't have much to say about the game.


8:14- Wait, seriously, what's up with how late anything's actually happening in these games? Even Pujols' watermelon-smashing machine routine didn't start until the sixth inning or so* last night. Did the players not account for daylight savings time?


8:20: Mike Shannon- "He could change the lightbulbs up there, if he wanted." - on David Murphy at first base. WHAT COULD THAT POSSIBLY MEAN?


8:21- BTW, if Mike Shannon says three things in one night that leave me frightened and confused, we all get a free breakfast burrito at Sonic tomorrow. Or Candyman comes out of the mirror and murders us.  Something. Let's find out together!


8:23- "Mitch Moreland" is the name of your state senator who only got elected 'cause he drove his pickup truck around the district.


8:30- This game is flying by. Do all the players a bonfire at Kinky Friedman's house to get to?


8:31- Yeah, that's the best I can do in terms of Texas jokes.


8:46- So awesome- Mike Shannon is trying to explain "Stand Up to Cancer". John Rooney is, y'know, ACTUALLY explaining it. 


9:01- The phrase "needless to say" has never stopped Mike Shannon from actually SAYING it.


9:06- I feel like this is WAY too late to pull Jackson, but at the same time, he'd only given up one run until now. He just looked shitty doing it.


9:08- Why does The Ballpark at Arlington play "Minnie the Moocher"? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Texas, I'll never understand you.


9:09- Also, "The Ballpark at Arlington" is a fucking fuck-tarded name for a ballpark. What the fuck, Texas, you wouldn't know what place you were talking about if you gave it an actual fucking name? No, you wouldn't, because you're the doorknob-humpers who keep electing Bushes and Perrys to your dumb shit grab-assing offices.


9:10- it's possible that Mike "I Can't Read" Napoli homered in the middle of my last update. This may have affected my emotional state.


9:11- Rooney: "The crowd is quiet now, after celebrating the home run by Napoli." Of course, because Texas fans don't actually give a baker's fuck about baseball. They're already back to thinking about the future gas-station attendants that make up their local high school's football teams.


9:17- Also: FUCK.


9:18- WHY IN THE NAME OF FUCK, WHY?


9:19 (I'm assuming)- OH GOD, WHY DO YOU TRUNK-FUCK ME SO?


9:21- Dear Assholes in Red: This isn't 200-crutch-fucking-6. This pitcher can make a throw to first without the ball flying into his own fucking armpit.


9:22- BASEBALL BETTER, DAMMIT.


9:24- I hate everything, and will never feel joy again. That being said, "God Bless America" is by far my favorite of the traditional "Yay America!" songs. WAY better than the national anthem. Yeah, I said it. I don't give a fuck anymore.


9:27- So...cold...


9:28- John Rooney, why are you still talking about "Minnie the Moocher"? Did Shannon cough his "just keep saying dumb shit things until someone thinks you've been calling games long enough to get into the hall of fame" germs on you?


9:46- Ryan Theriot isn't very good at baseball.


9:59- Someday, I will tell my kids where I was when I watched this game. I will tell them, "I was on the rage train to Angerville. Population: Fuck."


10:14- You fools! It was always our intention to look like bitches in Game 4, so as to increase your eventual humiliation!