I've Heard Enough

Are we all sufficiently happy with the Kings' first cup win? Good, 'cause here comes captain bringdown.

Provocative title aside, there's some genuine stuff to absorb here, so read it through once or twice. Follow the links. Given these facts, I find it exceedingly hard to believe that hockey didn't help push Derek Boogaard down his very tragic path. And if you can convince me otherwise, well, so what? Okay, so pressuring Boogard to fight for some misguided notion of "honor" that will have nothing to do with the final score and nothing to do with ultimate accountability for on-ice infractions didn't kill Boogard. That's supposed to be a point in it's favor? Okay, team doctor's giving him prescription painkillers with no examination didn't form an addiction with him. That makes it okay?

No, these things are shitty regardless of the admitted correlation/causation problem. They are shitty in and of themselves, even if every single player in the league were to end up lucky enough to avoid the most catastrophic and obvious effects of them. What's more, they're both shitty and easy to fix.

It's easy to ban fighting from the game. Every level but the NHL does it. Understand that I'm only talking about "easy" at one level; all you have to do is make a rule, you don't have to alter any other part of the game. I understand that you'll still have to push through some traditionalists, so it should be a slow process. But the solution there is clear, even if the math might get complicated.

It's even easier to hold the doctors accountable; Deadspin alone gives you a rough idea how. Who the fuck would object to that? More importantly, who gives a shit? Anyone that objects, name them, shame them, and move on.

No one is arguing that this will solve all of hockey's problems. Everyone knows that a lot of very serious injuries occur outside of fighting. But- and I'm sick of pointing this out- "you can't make it perfect" is a shitty reason to not make it better.

When these things come up, we hear over and over about how violence is part of these games and we can't have one without the other. I'm convinced that's bullshit in all cases, especially hockey. But even if I'm wrong on that in total- THIS bullshit is not part of this game.

Joel Ward, Tim Thomas, and the Magic of Twitter

Man, thank god for Twitter.

I know all the cool kids aren't supposed to like Twitter, and that as someone who can waste 140 characters on nicknames I should find it particularly galling, but really, once you grok what it's doing, it's a useful form of communication.

I mention this in the wake of the last night's Game 7 showdown between the Washington Capitals and the Boston Bruins. Joel Ward, an African American player for the Caps, scored the game winning goal, and some morons took to Twitter to complain about him in racially charged language.

And y'know what? I'm glad they did. Because their bullshit was exposed and they were isolated and condemned, swiftly and in no uncertain terms (often on twitter itself!). The Bruins themselves even implicitly disowned them.

Now, this is a small thing. This is just a few racist assholes on Twitter. They aren't representative of anything about sports fans, or people from Boston, or Bruins fans, or anything. It's not like this is going to change anyone's mind. "Hey, that racist hockey fan on Twitter has a point!" No. That's not going to happen.

Still, I like it when even the little racist shit is knocked down fast and hard. That's the only way I can be confident that the big racist stuff won't come back.

Torres Gets 25 Games; What Do We Get?

After last Tuesday's flat out attack, Raffi Torres has been suspended 25 games by Brenden Shanahan. You should watch Shanahan's video; I think he makes the case, particularly in laying out Torres' prior headhunting this season. Indeed, I think it's clear that Torres just doesn't get it (and I'm not sure if 25 games off will change that).

So, Shanahan probably made the right call here. That, of course, doesn't mitigate all of the other missteps this post season. Nor does it mitigate the failure of the on-ice officials from Tuesday night's game. If anything, Shanahan's discipline and video makes it clear just how much the four officials fucked up.

Shanahan points out that Torres actually violated three different rules; apparently, all four officials missed all three of those violations. That boggles the mind; I saw Hossa get blown up, and I was watching from a treadmill at a gym, reliant on NBC's "follow the puck" camera work. I couldn't tell if there'd been a foul, but I wasn't on ice, and I'm not trained to spot those things. There's no excuse for the refs and linesmen.

One would think that those officials deserve some discipline, too. The NHL should make it clear that a failure to protect the players won't be tolerated from anyone. Indeed, I'd argue that it's more important for the refs, given their positions of authority and prestige in the NHL hierarchy.

This is the broader problem with Shanahan's "supplemental discipline" regime- it's taking responsibility and accountability away from the officials who are actually on the ice. Shanahan's videos are really all about defining which hits are acceptable and which aren't. That's actually great, but at some point, shouldn't that definition just be in the rule book? And shouldn't the on-ice officials be empowered to enforce those rules- or be held responsible if they don't?

Otherwise, I think you're creating some fucked up incentives for the players. If I'm some 4th line goon who only sees a few minutes of ice anyway, and my team has a decent PK, I might just take someone's head off in hopes of winning the game in front of me and getting lucky in front of the Shanhammer.

(Well, not ME, really, as I'm a pussy. But you know what I mean.)

That all being said, I am pleased with Torres' suspension, and I think it's important to say so. But I'm pretty sure my pleasure is cold comfort to Marian Hossa (And the if the 'Yotes are the ones dancing at the end of the night, for the Blackhawks, too). And I just can't get over the fact that it shouldn't have taken four days for Torres to see any discipline for an unquestionably dirty hit.

The Ridiculous Andrew Shaw Suspension

The NHL has suspended the Chicago Blackhawks' Andrew Shaw for three games for this...action? I hesitate to even call it a hit, even though the Phoenix Coyotes' Mike Smith did his best to make it look like the Kennedy Assassination. In complaining about this decision, I worry that I'm going to sound like a homer; lucky for me, it's already clear that Brenden Shanahan and the Office of Player Safety have been all over the place this playoff season.

In the Weber hit (as previously discussed), the absence of injury was a major factor. In this case, it's not. In the Carkner fight, Carkner's history of discipline was important; in the Weber hit, it wasn't. The Hagelin hit was worse than the Bitz hit because an elbow is worse than a shoulder, but Shaw shouldered Smith and got an equal fine. When goalies are involved, all the rules seem different, and in general, even though some of these things are explicitly covered by the NHL rule book with prescribed punishments, that apparently isn't enough.

Now, Shanahan himself has said that his job is about changing future behavior, and that necessarily requires making a few "statements" to get everyone's attention. I understand that. But the problems is, all of these statements, taken together, aren't giving anyone any guidance for their future behavior. Based on the above, it might actually be HARDER to know what a "clean" hit is than it was before. That's going to make it harder to protect the players, which is the whole point of Shanahan's office.

The worst part is that Shanahan was actually making really clear statements earlier this season. His "video press conferences" were incredibly useful; they explained what rule was implicated, what other factors were considered, what the player should have done differently, and why the punishment was what it was, all with helpful video breakdowns. It was a lot better than the NFL's whole "IT IS DECIDED" routine.

But now, there's no consistency, so there's no way of knowing ahead of time what behavior will and won't get punished. How is a player going to sort out all of the above in an action that lasts seconds at the most? Hell, at this point what's to stop him from hitting as viciously as he can in the hopes that he'll get Weber'ed after the fact? I don't know. Inconsistent punishment might as well be random punishment. And random punishment is not going to clean up the game or protect the players.

WIND SPRINTS FOR 2/21/12

New blog feature- every few days or so- basically, however long it takes us to collect enough links- we'll post a bunch of links to other thoughtful, progressive sports writing out there. Stuff that really interested us, but may not inspire a full blog post. Here's the first one.

1) Barry Petchesky at Deadspin has a pretty thorough frisking of Bruce Bochy's decision to not let Buster Posey block the plate. Lot of good stuff in there. All I'd add is what Imposter Blogger Mike said after my post on fighting in the NHL- even if this doesn't really solve the problem, any move toward player safety should be welcomed. Perfect isn't the enemy of good, and all that.

2) In honor of The Simpsons' 500th episode, two different reflections on "Homer at the Bat", my father's favorite Simpsons episode. One from Erik Malinowski at Deadspin, the other from Larry Granillo at Baseball Prospectus.

3) A preview of this Sunday's "Real Sports" segment on the KHL tragedy from over the summer. We'll spend a lot of time talking about how the major sports leagues treat their players like chattel, but honestly, these small, international leagues- which often don't even have the money to protect their players- are a huge part of the problem.

4) The St. Louis Cardinal hipster. I imagine you could write this post about every team in baseball. Everyone tries to give no-names and has-beens one more shot. That's okay. It's good for the players and great for the fans.

5) There's apparently a growing subculture of geeks and hockey. I support and endorse this alliance.

6) If Rick Santorum keeps talking about 1970s relievers, he just might win my vote.

What do you guys have?

We Report What We Decide

So LeBron James has indicated that he's open to playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers again, which of course means that ESPN has exploded into ZOMGWTFBBQ mode.  Here is the quote:

"I think it would be great, it would be fun to play in front of these fans again.  I had a lot of fun times here. You can't predict the future. Hopefully you continue to stay healthy. I'm here as a Miami player and I'm happy where I am now but I don't rule that out in any sense. If I decide to come back, hopefully the fans will accept me."

A couple points:

1) A search of google, YouTube, and ESPN's web site could not reveal a transcript of the interview in which LeBron's comments were made.  Meaning we don't know what the interviewer actually asked.  Was the reporter asking soon?  Eventually?  Ever?  Why can't ANYONE post a video of this interview or a transcript to show us the exact context of the answer?

2) LeBron himself gave no time frame on such a return, nor did he list it as a certainty.  He didn't say he intended to come back, or even that he wanted to come back, simply that he wouldn't rule out the possibility.

Now, with those two things in mind, let's run through some of the reactions:

1) Michael Smith on ESPN's First Take used the language of infidelity in regards to LeBron, saying that Miami went from being the mistress to the second wife.  The panelists then discussed whether Miami fans should be offended.

2) Michael Wallace for ESPN continued the sexual talk and piled on condemnation by writing an article entitled "LeBron wrong to flirt with Cavaliers reunion."

It isn't a reaction, actually, but back in January Sam Amico of Fox Sports speculated that LeBron would return to Cleveland in 2014 when his contract in Miami is up because he doesn't like the management there.  Anyone doubt this will breathe new life into such speculation?

LeBron didn't take out an article in the Cleveland Plain Dealer polling the city what they would think about him returning in 2014.  He was in Cleveland for a game against the Cavs, and a reporter asked him if he'd ever come back.  What was he supposed to say?  I mean, he had options.  He could have said "no comment."  He could have said "no way."  He could have said "as soon as possible."  He could have said "I am your Lord God and thou shalt have no gods before me."  There is an infinite combination of words in the English language, but I don't see anything in LeBron's statements to invite such sermonizing or speculation.  Maybe he will one day return to Cleveland.  Maybe if he tries Cleveland will tell him to get lost.  Who knows?  Who cares?  We are talking about something that probably won't happen ever, and even if it does, couldn't happen before 2014.  ESPN is spending hours discussing a possibility two or more years down the road when they won't spend 5 minutes out of 1440 minutes a day talking about hockey, or soccer.

That's the crux of this, is that this didn't become a story that they reported on.  They created this story.   I think the "worst" think you could say about this is that LeBron was offering an olive branch to a city and franchise he snubbed because deep down he wants everyone to like him.  Whether that's a character flaw or not isn't something I'm interested in discussing right now.  What it isn't is an invitation to speculate on the timing or probability of a return.  But ESPN ran with it anyway, which is going to lead me to punch myself in the balls by bringing up the dreaded name of Tebow.

ESPN is still, today, mentioning Tebow and Tebowmania.  They are using Linsanity to bring Tebow up.  During the regular season and the playoffs they used any excuse to bring up Tebow, going so far as to mention his name 160 times in a single hour long broadcast of SportsCenter.  Throughout all of this, they would open the discussion with a defense of why they were bringing it up by saying "it's all people are talking about."  But maybe the only reason people are talking about it, is because ESPN, as the biggest name in sports news, made such a big point of promoting him.  This blog already had one post comparing the stats of Tebow, Joe Flacco, and Alex Smith during the regular season that showed how Tebow was worse than them in every measurable way.

I am actually not hating on Linsanity, but what percentage of the people that are aware of Jeremy Lin are aware of Ty Lawson and his work with the Denver Nuggets, or Kyrie Irving in Cleveland?  But Lin plays in New York, which nets more exposure, and he is a more compelling story at the moment when you factor in the win streak and the personal struggles he's overcome.

But let's recognize that in saying that, sports reporters are making an editorial decision.  ESPN is making specific programming decisions.  They have an agenda, and they are pushing it.  By tying Tebow into Linsanity, they are explicitly using a player they didn't create to try and maintain the relevance of a player they did create.  And while they never doubted Tebow, watching First Take the past two days you'll already see the knives coming out to tear down Lin.  Yesterday they declared the death of Lin puns, and today they are already anticipating the bubble popping, the other shoe dropping.  When Lin (and the Knicks, let's not forget them) finally lose (which they will), I wonder what the story will be then.  But there will be an angle, and ESPN will be crafting it, not reporting it.  Perhaps it's inevitable, maybe it's desirable, but what it isn't is something they are blameless of doing.

Pain and Sports

Well, this is quite something, isn't it?

I can't blame you if you're surprised; it's not every sport that explicitly encourage physical pain. But I get it if you're not surprised, too; there's an awful lot of sports that try to look the other way at pain.

We the fans certainly complicate matters. We hate to see "head hunting" or "targeting", but we love big hits. We love "giving the other guy something to think about". We love seeing a player rise above the pain. And our list of "Dirtiest Players" often grows one shorter when our team picks up certain guys from free agency. I mean, I've certainly rooted, mostly in jest, for Tim Tebow to break a collarbone, and my opinion of Dan Carcillo certainly changed when his uniform did (though it's back to normal, now that I know he's useless).

There is a difference between enjoying a strong, physical sport and just cold baying for blood, but man, I'll admit that that line is only a molecule thick in some spots. Hockey is instructive here (and as this blog goes on, we'll definitely talk more about that); I really can see a moral difference between checking and fighting. But there's checks and then there's targeting the head. There's fights and then there's scuffles after the whistle. There's a lot of grey area, and I don't envy Brenden Shanahan in sorting all that out.

There's no real bright line rules to guide us in those closer cases, and I can't really propose one here. But maybe I can suggest a frame work to get us thinking about this.

I think the question is intent. If a player is intentionally trying to hurt another, or if any sport or rule explicitly encourages hurting a player (even just to the extent that he's drops the ball or fumbles the pass or misses the puck or whatever) it's suspect. There's still a lot of gray area, and some sports I love are probably implicated. Bt it's a start.

I think it's clear how Ultimate Tazer Ball runs afoul of that standard; the defense's entire means of accomplishing it's goal is physical pain. I know there's only been minor injuries so far, but man, that seems like walking the razor's edge.

Of course, I can only speak to why I wouldn't watch such a sport, and why I would tell other people not to do so, either. As far as participating in it goes, I really have little interest in denying someone their right to fuck up their own body. But as far as we, the fans go...well, at a certain point, we just start to look too much like Romans.

Chicago Blackhawsk @ St. Louis Blues

7:10- That last game, the one against the collection of misshapen British smiles known as the Vancouver Canucks, almost killed me. I wanted to hurt myself and others. Well, with this blog tonight, I'm taking care of the "others" part.

7:14- With the NBA locked out, Comcast Chicago has taken to showing classic JOrdan-era Bulls games. That... will work, Comcast. That will do just fine.

7:19- Did it The Blues just learn about the Lokomotiv tragedy this afternoon? Because seriously, this could've been scheduled a lot better.

7:21- Pat Foley- "It's a little late, but who cares?" I care. I mean, I'm a post 9-11 American, I get fetishizing tragedy. But goddammit, two months after that, the Yankees were playing their games on time.

7:36- The Blues' new head coach- Alfred Hitchcock, or some damn thing- admits that putting Kane and Toews on separate lines messes up his plans on how to defend them. How nice of him, to reveal that he only planned for one circumstance.

7:23- Is the anthem singer holding a hat? Will he pass it later for donations?

7:24- This guy is shifting keys more than that little guy at the end of the second Matrix movie.

7:27- Wait, why the fuck are the 'Hawks in their home sweaters? Is the Scott Trade center actually in East St. Louis?

7:33- The Blues' forwards might try receiving a pass, rather than just limply swatting at it as it bounces past them.

7:38- Sobotka scores for the Blues. Guess he finally got the port of Baltimore dredged.

7:42- And Carcillo's picked a fight. FIGHTS TOTALLY PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD, RIGHT?

7:50- The announcers are telling us how John Scott has it switching between offense and defense. The only thing worse than watching John Scott skate is listening to the Ballad of John Scott.

8:25- Right now, the 'Hawks look like dirt that's been fucked by an elephant. BUT OH, THEY'VE GOT GRIT, NOW.

8:28- Finally, the 'Hawks get a PP. Oh, wait, their PP is a horrifying spiraling descent into my most depressing nightmares.

8:31- That was the Stephen King's "The Shining" of Power Plays. That third clear was the elevator full of blood.

8:34- I hate few things more than I hate these tequila commercials. Why is this 34 year old douchebasket talking like the Shit My Dad Says guy?

8:40- The last five minutes of this game have been so terrible, I think one of these stumblefucks stepped on MY dick.

8:45- Did someone coat the ice with anal lube?

8:48- This game is worse than that "Party at the Top of the World" song.

8:51- We're through 40 minutes, and the 'Hawks look worse than Lindsay Lohan is going to look in her Playboy pictorial.

8:52- Yeah, "pictorial". 'Cause it's the classy way to show folks your tatties.

9:12- Pat Foley makes a joke about "magnetic boards", indicating that the players are really pinned to the boards. Steve Konroyd is following up on that like it's actually a thing.

9:31- OH GEE LOOK, THE GAME ENDED EARLY. Time to watch the New Girl.

Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks Period 3: Will We Get a Winner?

9:23- The "Key to the Third Period" is to win one for the sick kid who dropped the puck tonight. Not to take anything away from the kid, he deserves the attention, but "win it for him" isn't really a strategy.

9:30- The ref negates another goal. Pat and Eddie say that's a good call, I say they're in on this bullshit. Can we win just one goddamn game against regulation? I mean, I know the Blue Jackets suck, but you don't get extra rules to even that out.

9:32- Stalberg scores on the 4-on-4, but it's probably just a matter of time before they wave that one off, too.

9:33- I hope on the next Hawks PK, the refs step in to be the fifth man for us, too.

9:38- Pat Foley promised to tell us the final decision of the officials when they come back from the commercial break. Well done, Pat. That's a LOST-caliber cliffhanger.

9:40- Enter Sandman is playing in the UC. Because in hockey, it's always 1995.

9:43- And now Pat and Eddie are explaining to us why Stalberg isn't that good a player. Which, fine, he's not, but he DID just score two goals in about 12 seconds. Can we maybe wait until his next fuck up at this point?

9:44- I'm just saying, I think everyone has a basic human right for a few minutes a day without having to suffer Sgt. Prickinstein and his Howlin' Commandos. Why don't you just let this be Stalberg's?

9:45- Now they're bitching how kids don't read the dictionary anymore, they go to the web. You know that what's on the web is just a dictionary, too, right? AND you can see titties!

9:51- ANOTHER Hawks goal is waved off. Though again, this one seems legit. Now I think the Blackhawks are just using these for back door time outs.

9:52- Patrick Kane likes the idea of "back door" anything, heh heh heh.

9:59- Now the Blue Jackets get a goal waved off! Where is this gonna end? If you gotta wave off every time the Blue Jackets don't score a goal, your arms are gonna get tired, dude.

10:07- Columbus pulled the goalie, but has put him back. I guess they're just not ready for kids.

10:15- Frolik gets an empty-netter, and soemone needs to do a mathmatical study of the viability of that play. With graphs and charts and solutions for X.

Game ends, 5-2 Hawks. I'm starting to see a pattern that they really turn it on in the 3rd- which is a welcomed change from last year, where they really shat all over everything in the third.

Blue Jackets @ Blackhawks

7:04- I just watched my first "Coach's Corner" with Don Cherry. I've seen political manifestos broadcast over pirated television signals that made more sense. And dressed better. It wasn't nearly enough different from this for me to avoid nightmares tonight.

7:07- BTW- If you click that link- HAPPY HALLOWEEN, I JUST RAPED YOUR NIGHTMARES.

7:33- I'm watching on an online feed of WGN. SHHHH. DON'T TELL THE GOVERNMENT.

7:34- The Blackhawks are coming off of a pretty terrible game in Carolina, but Carolina has always had them by the short-n-curlies. The Blue Jackets, to the best of my knowledge, are coming off of a swirling maw of inexplicable existential horror. There's no society, no civilization. Just one bad hockey team trying to make sense of a broken world.

7:35- Should be a good game!

7:39- The Hawks are rocking their back-up goalie, Ray Emery, and their second line winger, Dan Carcillo, just got a suspension. But this is the game they can afford to be short handed.

7:41- Samuel Lepisto is in the line-up for the Hawks tonight. FIRE IN LEPISTO! FIRE IN THE TACO BELL!

7:42- Ben Walker's secret boyfriend, John Scott, is also in the line up. Next time you see Ben, ask him about that.

7:42- Marcus Kruger with the first goal. Hawks lead 1-0 with 16:58 to go in the first period.

7:47- Some poor, damned soul stuck on the Blue Jackets scores a goal of his own, as Emery is apparently way the fuck up in Evanston and can't get to the other side of the net in time. 1-1.

7:51- There were so many people falling over each other there, the crease looked like a Woodstock mud orgy.

7:55- Dave Bolland is sent to detention for trippin' balls, man. Blue Jackets on the power play, and their power play is pretty much the worst athletic event in North America.

7:58- Now some unbaptized child who plays for the Blue Jackets is called for tripping, and the Hawks get their first power play!

8:01- Bolland does some other dumb shit, and BOOM, 4 on 4 hockey. We're one penalty each away from a mini Gus Macker tourney!

8:05- Every time Pat Foley says "Wysniewski", I hear "whiskey dick".

8:06- Eddie Olzcek: "I want every body to look at this." Eddie O ALWAYS does this. Listen, I get teaching me something about the game, but now you're just handing out assignments. You're not my geometry teacher, Eddie. You're actually much prettier.

8:08- Apparently, just before the game, the Hawks went out and got "THUG LIFE 4 LIFE" tattoos. Toews to the penalty box.

8:10- Sweet original recipe fuck, did the Hawks just get back from The Gathering of the Juggalos or something?

8:11- Boland gets lose on a breakaway, throws in a short-handed goal. 2-1 Hawks.

8:13- First period over. And while the Hawks are acting fine young sociopaths, the Blue Jackets look like those kids in the orphanage who are too old to believe in adoption anymore. They're just broken, and may never know true love.

8:22- Gonna hop to a new thread for the second period, just to keep these things from being as long as Patrick Kane's playoff mullet.

Anaheim Ducks @ Chicago Blackhawks

This blog's goal tonight is to make Jeremy Pelzer love hockey. So, to get him up to speed, some players to watch tonight:

Patrick Kane, Blackhawks- Patrick Kane's BAC waivers between .37 and .68. His goal this season is to get it up to .69 because heh heh heh. He's generally simply an offensive weapon, but will try to check every once in a while, which is adorable.

Ryan Getzlaf, Ducks- Probably the biggest threat on the Ducks, though his entire line is balls. I would recommend that the 'Hawks do everything they can to contain this line because I'm just SOOOOOO FUCKING SMART AT HOCKEY.

Duncan Keith, Blackhawks- The anchor of the 'Hawks' defense. He won the NHL's best defensman trophy in '10 (they call this the Norris Trophy, 'cause they name something after everyone. My favorite is the Lady Byng, 'cause what the fuck kind of tough hockey guy would want THAT trophy?) Then, in 2011, he played like finely granulated elephant shit. Let's see what happens next!

Cam Fowler, Ducks- Just because, oh my god, they really did it, those bastards put the kid named "Fowler" on the Ducks.

Your announcers are Pat Foley and Eddie Olczyk. Foley's kind of a legend, but he's losing a step. Olczyk's kind of a dweeb, and needs a few more vowels. They will tell "you young hockey players" what to do. A LOT.

Alright, so that's where we are. Let's begin.

7:42- Sometimes, hockey doesn't lend itself to my bullshittery as much as baseball or football. There's not nearly as many stoppages in play.

7:44- Foley just called Teamu Selanne "the ageless wonder". This is not true. Selanne has quite a bit of age, and it shows. Fucker's just stubborn.

7:54- Jesus' tits, my doppeganger is in section 300 at the United Center. I hope he eats a disgusting amount of hot dogs and wrecks a UC bathroom for all future generations.

7:57- Jamal Mayers got pounded in his backside like a man.

8:38- YEAH MAYERS, TEAR HIS SOUL OUT.

8:39- Fights are never cool enough to warrant my yelling.

8:44- Jonathan Toews doesn't care who's asshole he has to fist, he wants a goddamn goal.

8:47- HOLY SHITTING FUCKS. Get that man a drink!

8:50- Reflexively, I vomit punches whenever an announcer says "he doesn't show up on the score sheet, but..." But in Hockey, I think it's a little more warranted. We just don't have all the statistics to describe everything in hockey yet. Plus, it's really completely a team sport. But it's weird, because there IS a SABR-esque movement going on in the sport right now. I'm just not sure there's a Bill James yet.

9:12- FUCK YES, LITTLE KID. Way to nail the shoot-the-puck contest!

10:09- I'd love to watch just one hockey game this year that doesn't end in the fucking flip-cup contest.

10:12- FINALLY, Hawks win the goddamn basic skills contest. Nice to see Kaner do it, too. I have no idea what that does to his stats, though I guess he had a good night already anyway.

10:13- Sorry about the lengthy absences. Still getting the hang of this as it relates to various, more active sports.

10:14- the UC organist's version of "Chelsea Daggar" is absolutely adorable.

10:15- Sarah Kustok, I don't care how dead your parents are, you're just lovely.

10:17- To make it up to you, I'm going to run my bitchings into the postgame show.

10:22- What are the odds that Kane has nailed Sarah Kustok? Gotta be even, right? I mean, if not leaning TOWARDS.

10:24- Kane was very self-deprecating in his post-game interview, but no one was biting on his jokes. WHAT THE FUCK, MADHOUSE, ARE YOU ALL MADE OF STONE?

10:25- 7 Penalties is pretty much exactly what I expected when they picked up Daniel Carcillo.

10:26- There's a Jose Cuervo ad on. I have no idea why hockey has more ads for the hard liquors oh wait yes I do.

10:31- See, now, here's the commercial with the douchey guy calling me a pussy for not buying 1800 Tequila. Whattup with that? Television, I just want to watch a hockey game, why do you have to emasculate me?

10:33- Joel Quenneville looks like he should be a Ron Swanson-level badass. But he's such a nice, soft spoken guy. What's the fun in that?

10:36- At least Steve Konroyd is up front that losing a couple shootouts isn't a big deal. It's such a bullshit way to end the game. "Hey, you battled for 65 minutes playing a team sport with set rules. We couldn't determine a winner. SO, let's line up and play a completely different game, one-on-one, to figure it out."

10:44- Alright, that's a night. Enjoy your Theopolooza, Chicago!