I really do apologize for the fact that we've had four posts in as many days on the PSU scandal, but I wanted to react to the reactions to the sanctions handed down by the NCAA.
Current players are being recruited by other schools. Before going any further, because I can't resist this kind of thing, CALLED IT.
This is already causing pearl clutching amongst both fans and pundits. My god, how unseemly! How dare these jackals?! My response: good for them, and good for the players. This is how our world works, this is college football as a minor league sport that doesn't compensate its players. Life sucks, get a helmet.
1) If you didn't have a problem with the ruling that players are allowed to transfer without sitting, then why do you have a problem with schools allowing those players to make more informed decisions on where to go? Before you say that's putting lipstick on the recruiting pig, what other means are they supposed to use? The players deserve to be allowed to jump a sinking ship, and I don't blame the life boats for holding up signal flares. For players trying to decide whether to go to USC versus Illinois, for example, it's in the player's best interests to know which one would give him more playing time or a scholarship. Yes, the recruiting school is acting out of self interest. So what? This isn't a zero sum game. The recruiting school can benefit by getting a good player, and the player can benefit by getting more play time, or having a chance to play in bowl games, thereby getting more exposure for a possible NFL jaunt. That both sides benefit is a positive.
2) I don't hear a hue and cry over high school recruitment. Schools pay scouts to go to high schools and report on players. Players get trips to campus and put up for a weekend, trotted around campus by a hostess and wooed on the glories that will be theirs if they only commit, commit, commit. Hell, high school recruiting is a business that transcends the schools themselves into multiple websites like this one, or this one, that evaluate recruits and rank draft classes. Hell, there's a website that offers a service to help facilitate the process of recruitment for players. ESPN has a whole section of their website devoted to reporting on it. Rivals and ESPN will rank each year's draft classes. If I'm allowed to mix my animal metaphors, the cat's out of the bag on coaches surveying high school talent like cattle at auction. People not connected to the high schools or the colleges make a profit on reporting on it, it's that big. Before we all get the vapors over this happening on a college campus, let's remind ourselves of the bigger meat market going on at the blue chip level.
3) As soon as the punishment was handed down, the point was raised that it punished the athletes more than the school. Well, then let the students leave. They aren't hurt at all, they get to move on to greener pastures.
No, I think a lot of this is coming from the idea that it's pulling a curtain aside on the little man working the levers of the great and powerful Student-Athlete mythos we've constructed over the decades that college football became a billion dollar enterprise. We're supposed to think players should and will stick by their school through thick and thin. We're supposed to admire those that tough it out in the face of sanctions and/or lucrative pro contracts to finish that degree and serve the college proudly, to become part of a proud tradition and alma mater that will always stand by each other. Bullshit.
In this economy, a college degree and a dollar won't get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Neither will that degree get you a job at Starbucks if you don't already have 2-4 years of professional coffee pouring (my bad, barista) experience. Unemployment for college graduates is higher than the national average, 10.4% in 2010 and 9.4% in 2011, with underemployment sitting at over 19%. Wages fell 5.4% for such graduates from 2000 to 2011. Average student loan debt is over $25,000. The National Association of Colleges and Employers reports that for 2012 the average starting salary for a college graduate that actually found a job averaged across all industries is $42,000. That's with business grads pulling up the educators and humanities. Meanwhile, NFL minimum salaries under the newest CBA have actually increased by $55,000, to $375,000 for rookies and even more for veterans. Look at that again, the salary increase for rookie players, with or without a degree, even if they were UNDRAFTED, is more than the average salary of college graduates going into business, or science, or mathematics, or engineering, or computer programming, or the education of our children.
Now, I don't begrudge the players making that money, I really don't. As long as we are willing to shell out billions of dollars in ticket sales, concessions, and ad revenue for those tv spots, the players deserve their share of the pie. But the idea that a player that has the opportunity to play in the NFL is better off foregoing that money in order to finish his education is an idea we seriously need to consign to the dustbin. Undrafted, journeyman NFL players at the bottom of the roster make more than doctors and lawyers and some entrepreneurs. They'd be crazy to leave that money on the table.
But Mike, you can't play football forever, especially with injuries. Okay fine, then you take all that money you've made and go finish your degree. Trust me, the college will take you back. They'll take your money and finish off that piece of paper that won't get you a job at Starbucks. Or you know, retire on your investments. Open a small business like a car dealership or a restaurant.
But Mike, some of these players will blow all that money and not prudently invest it? And so will normal college graduates. Having a college degree doesn't prevent massive credit card debt or underwater mortgages.
Now, I'm not saying college education is worthless, but its value has been shown to be not worth the sticker price these past few years. And what is college ultimately intended to be but a preparation for a career. If you can make a more lucrative career by leaving early, then you've gotten all you need out of college. You don't need to spend the time or the money completing it if you can make more money elsewhere. Be wary that the folks telling you otherwise aren't in fact the same people that would benefit disproportionately from your talents if they manage to keep you, like a college football program keeping its Heisman Trophy winning quarterback so they can go to another multi-million dollar bowl game.
Take, for example, Matt Leinart and Alex Smith. In 2004 Leinart and Smith competed against each other for the Heisman Trophy, which Leinart won. Leinart and the Trojans then went on to win the national title. That spring the San Francisco 49ers had the #1 draft, and the dynasty built by Joe Montana and Steve Young was poised to take Leinart #1 and pay him ALL the money. Leinart instead chose to delay coming out. He opted to return for a 5th year at USC, taking ballroom dancing to satisfy the two credits he needed to complete his sociology degree.
The 49ers drafted Alex Smith and signed him to a $49.5 million contract that included $24 million in guarantees. Smith was their starter through these last playoffs (where the 49ers reached the NFC Championship) and has resigned for another three years.
Leinart went on to see his teammate Reggie Bush win the Heisman in 2005, and then saw Vince Young run over his defense to win the national title over Leinart's Trojans. Leinart was drafted 10th by the Arizona Cardinals, and became the summer's longest hold-out in pursuit of a contract. Ultimately that contract was signed, and on paper appeared to be worth more than Smith's: $50.8 million. However only $14 million of that was guaranteed as opposed to Smith's $24 million. The rest was based on performance benchmarks and play time. Leinart was promptly put on the bench behind Kurt Warner. He eventually started 11 games that season, then bounced between the starting spot, the injured reserve list, and the bench (largely the bench in 2008 and 2009). In 2010 Leinart was cut from the team, and picked up by the Texans as a back-up. Two years later he was cut by Houston, and has signed for the Oakland Raiders for the coming season. The move to Houston from Arizona alone is estimated to have cost him $2.5 million.
Now injuries happen, and Smith himself has been off the starting rotation in San Francisco and was forced to renegotiate his contract in 2009. Without the tax returns or copies of the contracts in front of me I can't do a breakdown of who has made more money since 2004, but going into next season Smith's $24 million contract as the starter for a team that is a legitimate Super Bowl contender seems to weigh in his favor as having had more professional success despite having been the lesser prospect when he exited college.
So, in an effort to tie all these varied ramblings into a semblance of a final, overarching point, I think coaches informing PSU players that they are desired is perfectly ethical within the bounds of current practice and rules. It is also providing a valuable service to the players by keeping them informed of their options. The players have no obligation to the university to stay, and it may very well be in their best interest if they have the talent and desire to play in the NFL. If they can make it to the NFL, they are better suited to do so than sticking around ANY academic institution to obtain ANY degree, and they should go at the earliest opportunity to minimize injury and maximize earning potential. They can always come back later. If that offends your sensibilities, you need to re-check your numbers. The data gravitates towards players looking out for their own athletic prowess, not sticking by an academic institution that can't guarantee them greater success. That individual players might do so may please our yearnings for some bygone, halcyon days of mythical yore where gentleman scholars competed on fields of valor before setting aside such childish antics en route to adopting positions as titans of industry. In reality they're passing up more lucrative opportunities so that we can tell a story about how loyalty trumps greed. In the end though, it's just that, a story, and once the column those sports writers glowingly hand their editors is consigned to the dust bin of history, so will be the careers of those individuals who marched off into ignominy for the sake of our ephemeral praise and the vindication of our fables.
Showing posts with label College Football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label College Football. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
College Football Playoffs and the Illusion of Change
The biggest news in college sports- which has to be Top Five for biggest sports story overall, right?- is the advent of a four team playoff in college football. Starting in 2014, a selection committee will pick four teams. The two semi-final games will occur on New Year's and be played at one of six bowl sites. Those six sites aren't quite defined yet, except that we know the Rose Bowl and the Champions Bowl will be involved. The championship game will be played on a neutral site, selected by bidding, on the first Monday in January- which the NCAA desperately hopes you'll start calling "Championship Monday".
This is a big step, and a lot of football fans are right to be happy. Once we get to the four teams, we'll have a rational, objective, transparent way to pick the best of them. What's more, this is the kind of thing that almost always leads to further changes (such as an expanded playoff or a rethinking of conference structures). But for now, I'm actually kind of stunned at how little changes. It's like the NCAA- and the conferences, who had to approve of this change- went out of their way to preserve as many of college football's bad ideas as possible.
The problem with the BCS system was that it was subjective; the number of wins was not the final word on a team's season, and even other objective measures (think the NFL's tiebreakers) didn't always matter. Instead, the BCS turned to things like "strength of schedule" that had no real definition. This made the BCS system opaque, unpredictable, and ultimately illegitimate. And here- well, wins and tie breakers still aren't going to be the final word. If they were, then that would be all, and we wouldn't need a selection committee. But we will have a selection committee, and its choice, rather than any objective measure, is going to be the final word. And thus, the national champion will still have a legitimacy problem (though certainly not one as big as it has under the BCS system).
My guess is that this is all to preserve the conferences- or at least, the major conferences (the SEC, Big Ten, etc.). After all, this national playoff is going to be the final word on each college football season, and if it were based entirely on objective performance, than all of the conferences' little gimmicks- individual tournaments, individual champions, traditional rivalries- would become irrelevant pretty quickly. The conferences would also find themselves under intense pressure to adopt uniform rules and standards on the (persuasive) theory that the objective measures would only really mean something if every team played under the same rules. If you take all that away from the conferences, you pretty much break them. Thus, a selection committee, that can at least stall.
The problem is, well, the major conferences are horrible. They're corrupt and collusive and actively trying to push out smaller conferences, and thus, drive down competition. If anything, this system gives them more power to do that; what are the odds that the selection committee's four team slate won't be dominated by the SEC, Big Ten, and Pac-12? Who wants odds on that? And so, the conferences stay put, regardless of whether they're any good for the sport, the schools, or the athletes.
Of course, the biggest problem in college football is that it's entirely unclear how much the college football heirarchy cares about being good to the athletes in the first place. They're not allowed to share in the tremendous wealth they create for the schools and conferences. Hell, they're not even allowed to profit off of their own names. Sure, the NCAA will point to scholarships, but even setting aside the fact that it's an open question as to how many athletes complete a useful degree, that compensation is not at all commensurate with what coaches, athletic directors, and administrators get. This new system is poised to make the problem worse; a national playoff is certainly going to be tremendously popular; participating teams are going to be flush with new revenue. But the players will still get the same meager piece of the pie they're getting now. If a particular player does something particular amazing, he'll still be in no position to capitalize off of his newfound fame.
And all of that new revenue- along with the fame and prestige- is going to be very tempting for schools, so they're going to throw more and more resources into the football program- and the football programs already suck up way too many of a campus' resources. Schools are also going to feel more pressure to leave famous, winning programs alone- which is to say, pressure to turn a blind eye to bad decisions.
Now, we all know you just can't devise a playoff system that will cure all of the social ills in college sports. Hell, the very presence of any playoff system is going to create the increased pressure for wins, revenue, and prestige. But you can devise a system that addresses some of them and doesn't make the others appreciably worse. Specifically, an objective-berth playoff system would create some legitimacy and cut the conferences down to size- and since the conferences actually reinforce the other major problems (exploitation of players and misallocation of resources), it would make progress on those issues, too.
Like I said, this is a step in the right direction- but it seems to be meticulously calculated to be as small of a step as possible.
Friday, July 13, 2012
The Freeh Report
Former FBI Director Louis Freeh released his comprehensive report on the Penn State situation yesterday. It's fair to say that it doesn't draw any new conclusions- we already knew that Penn State used its institutional power to cover for Sandusky, and we already knew that Joe Paterno's role- whether one of active participation or willful ignorance- was enough to give the lie to his public image. But if the conclusions aren't new, there's still value, here; there is a value in laying out all the details, sordid as they may be, and in producing one primary source summing up the whole horrid affair. It puts everything in context, and gives us a good starting point to understand what happened.
(I say just a "starting point" because the report excludes some important information. Most notably, as Dave Zirin points out, the report is mostly silent on former PA Attorney General- and current PA Governor- Tom Corbett's role. Even if Corbett was ultimately in the clear, it was still worth discussing. But Zirin covers that; I'm talking about something else here.)
That context reveals, frankly, that Penn State isn't all that dissimilar from any other school with a big-time football program. Now, let's be clear, cheating athletes out of money and devoting too many public resources to football is not morally equivalent to covering for a child molester; both are bad, but the second is clearly far more intense. But they do have the same root causes; an over-dependence on college football, especially the money and prestige it brings in, and a blind desire to protect that program.
I'm not saying Nick Saban or Les Miles would try to cover up a crime committed by their defensive coordinators.But they do feel intense pressure to make bad decisions in the name of "protecting the program"- demanding more money than the school can afford, pushing athletes into easy, useless classes, accepting and endorsing the "student-athlete" system that deprives athletes of just compensation. And when they do these things, it puts pressure up and down the administrative chain at the school, so that athletic directors, school Presidents, even Boards of Trustees are pushed into the same bad decisions. It's not the same as committing an outright crime, but it comes from the same place.
What's more, the romantic "molding boys into men" narrative of college football creates a cognitive dissonance that makes fans, alumni, and students blind to these problems, or at least dreadfully slow to react to them. Penn State fans are having so much trouble understanding the depth of Paterno's culpability here because it's hard to reconcile that with his original image. And that's in the wake of an intense and horrible crime and documentation that is all but unimpechable. When it's a more mundane evil, like a recruitment violation or the NCAA/conference system cabal, it's going to be all but invisible to fans who are conditioned to think of their coach as a virtuous champion.
Fortunately, there's a lot we fans can do to relieve some of this pressure and clear up the cognitive dissonance. First of all, if we're alumni, we can stop making our money contingent on the football team, and stop giving directly to the athletic department. That's easy for me 'cause I don't have money, but if you're rich and reading this, it's not hard for you, either; donate to the school's general fund, or the English department, or me. Or, at very least, stop picking up the phone and raising hell after every losing season.
We can also, as fans, just try not to be pricks so much. Cheering for the team is great; pep rallys are awesome, spontaneously rushing the field or taking to the streets after a win is amazing. But rioting after a loss just makes you an asshole. Locking arms with a coach or player when you know he's done something wrong makes you a twat. These guys are human, they're going to fuck up. You're not a worse fan for noting when they do. You're actually better because you're expecting more of them.
Finally, we can let the penny drop on the "leadership" qualities of college football coaches and athletic administrators. They're not there to turn a bunch of high school kids into Medal of Honor winners, they're there to win football games. And that's an incredibly hard job with a lot of pressure pushing them in a lot of different ways. None of them are Ghandi; none of them are hired to be Ghandi, and really, none of us want them to be Ghandi (Ghandi always always ALWAYS got fooled into committing too much to the pass rush). The sooner we acknowledge and accept all of that, the better.
Because treating these guys as if they're something more than just guys with hard jobs in the public eye is how Penn State got into it's mess. And again, it's not always going to turn out that, but it's always going to raise the risks of bullshit. If we can decrease the risk of all the bullshit, including horrors like Jerry Sandusky, well, there's no reason not to try.
(I say just a "starting point" because the report excludes some important information. Most notably, as Dave Zirin points out, the report is mostly silent on former PA Attorney General- and current PA Governor- Tom Corbett's role. Even if Corbett was ultimately in the clear, it was still worth discussing. But Zirin covers that; I'm talking about something else here.)
That context reveals, frankly, that Penn State isn't all that dissimilar from any other school with a big-time football program. Now, let's be clear, cheating athletes out of money and devoting too many public resources to football is not morally equivalent to covering for a child molester; both are bad, but the second is clearly far more intense. But they do have the same root causes; an over-dependence on college football, especially the money and prestige it brings in, and a blind desire to protect that program.
I'm not saying Nick Saban or Les Miles would try to cover up a crime committed by their defensive coordinators.But they do feel intense pressure to make bad decisions in the name of "protecting the program"- demanding more money than the school can afford, pushing athletes into easy, useless classes, accepting and endorsing the "student-athlete" system that deprives athletes of just compensation. And when they do these things, it puts pressure up and down the administrative chain at the school, so that athletic directors, school Presidents, even Boards of Trustees are pushed into the same bad decisions. It's not the same as committing an outright crime, but it comes from the same place.
What's more, the romantic "molding boys into men" narrative of college football creates a cognitive dissonance that makes fans, alumni, and students blind to these problems, or at least dreadfully slow to react to them. Penn State fans are having so much trouble understanding the depth of Paterno's culpability here because it's hard to reconcile that with his original image. And that's in the wake of an intense and horrible crime and documentation that is all but unimpechable. When it's a more mundane evil, like a recruitment violation or the NCAA/conference system cabal, it's going to be all but invisible to fans who are conditioned to think of their coach as a virtuous champion.
Fortunately, there's a lot we fans can do to relieve some of this pressure and clear up the cognitive dissonance. First of all, if we're alumni, we can stop making our money contingent on the football team, and stop giving directly to the athletic department. That's easy for me 'cause I don't have money, but if you're rich and reading this, it's not hard for you, either; donate to the school's general fund, or the English department, or me. Or, at very least, stop picking up the phone and raising hell after every losing season.
We can also, as fans, just try not to be pricks so much. Cheering for the team is great; pep rallys are awesome, spontaneously rushing the field or taking to the streets after a win is amazing. But rioting after a loss just makes you an asshole. Locking arms with a coach or player when you know he's done something wrong makes you a twat. These guys are human, they're going to fuck up. You're not a worse fan for noting when they do. You're actually better because you're expecting more of them.
Finally, we can let the penny drop on the "leadership" qualities of college football coaches and athletic administrators. They're not there to turn a bunch of high school kids into Medal of Honor winners, they're there to win football games. And that's an incredibly hard job with a lot of pressure pushing them in a lot of different ways. None of them are Ghandi; none of them are hired to be Ghandi, and really, none of us want them to be Ghandi (Ghandi always always ALWAYS got fooled into committing too much to the pass rush). The sooner we acknowledge and accept all of that, the better.
Because treating these guys as if they're something more than just guys with hard jobs in the public eye is how Penn State got into it's mess. And again, it's not always going to turn out that, but it's always going to raise the risks of bullshit. If we can decrease the risk of all the bullshit, including horrors like Jerry Sandusky, well, there's no reason not to try.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
The Sandusky Verdict
It's okay to think that this is what justice looks like.
I'm going to add my voice to the many, many people saying that this can't end here; Penn State officials like Graham Spanier have already been shown the door, and that's good, but they may have seriously run afoul of duty to report laws, and that needs to be explored. Moreover, the entire athletic department at Penn State needs to be re-examined and reorganized, with the express goal of making sure that no other coach ever gets this much power- both formally and influentially- again. That alone is a long and difficult process, and I don't envy the students and faculty at Penn State for having to undertake it. But, then, nor do I pity them, after their shameful display of tribalism in the immediate wake of the scandal.
Ultimately, though, we're all going to have to rethink how much we're willing to devote to college football. Because that's really the root of the issue here; football was just too important to Penn State, to Happy Valley and all of Central Pennsylvania, really, for its administrators to think of anything besides protecting the program. They had so much incentive to cover for Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky- their jobs, possible promotions, even the money and prestige of the school itself. That's not to excuse them; it's just to say that their poor moral choices are not the end of this story.
And Penn State was hardly unique. College football is at the center of hundreds of schools. Hundreds of school administrators are compromised in dealing with it. Hundreds of schools devote far too much money to it. And that means that even when evils far less than Jerry Sandusky's arise, school officials need extraordinary courage to confront them. That's a problem, and it's going to remain one so long as, every Saturday morning, we forget what happened Monday through Friday.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Everybody Hates Craig James
Did you know that college football broadcaster Craig James is running for U.S. Senate in Texas? If you follow Texas political news, maybe not. He's rather flailing, trumpeting his own endorsement of Rick Santorum, revealing painful personal details, and digging up his old feud with former Texas Tech coach Mike Leach.
However, if you follow sports blogs, you know all about James' campaign, as most of them are gleefully flogging every misstep.
At first, that was fine. James was the very model of the type of sports pundit that bloggers- and really, the rest of us fans, too- hate. He was pretentious without any real insight, he confused interest in the sport with interest in him, and was more interested in raising his own Q rating than in informing or entertaining viewers. Moreover, he's running as a Rick Santorum Republican, and fuck that noise. So, don't get me wrong: I want him to lose, too.
But the fact is, he is going to lose. He's going to lose in an embarrassing way, and he's going to drag all of his family problems into the media while doing it. I don't exactly have sympathy for him; no one made him run, so we're kind of in "This is the business we've chosen" territory here. And I have nothing but support for sports bloggers who want to use their platform to push back against reactionary douche-sewers like James (After all, James is using his platform to push his agenda, isn't he?). But still, I think there's better uses of bloggers' time and effort than Craig James at this point. Piling on serves no purpose. And anyway, wouldn't the best punishment for James just be to ignore him?
Put it this way: Craig James' problem as a sportscaster, a problem that was shared by enough sportscasters that the blogs arose, in part, as a corrective to them (or at least an alternative; let's not pretend bloggers have fixed sports media), was that he tried to make the game all about him. It'd be a pity if sports bloggers fall into the same trap.
However, if you follow sports blogs, you know all about James' campaign, as most of them are gleefully flogging every misstep.
At first, that was fine. James was the very model of the type of sports pundit that bloggers- and really, the rest of us fans, too- hate. He was pretentious without any real insight, he confused interest in the sport with interest in him, and was more interested in raising his own Q rating than in informing or entertaining viewers. Moreover, he's running as a Rick Santorum Republican, and fuck that noise. So, don't get me wrong: I want him to lose, too.
But the fact is, he is going to lose. He's going to lose in an embarrassing way, and he's going to drag all of his family problems into the media while doing it. I don't exactly have sympathy for him; no one made him run, so we're kind of in "This is the business we've chosen" territory here. And I have nothing but support for sports bloggers who want to use their platform to push back against reactionary douche-sewers like James (After all, James is using his platform to push his agenda, isn't he?). But still, I think there's better uses of bloggers' time and effort than Craig James at this point. Piling on serves no purpose. And anyway, wouldn't the best punishment for James just be to ignore him?
Put it this way: Craig James' problem as a sportscaster, a problem that was shared by enough sportscasters that the blogs arose, in part, as a corrective to them (or at least an alternative; let's not pretend bloggers have fixed sports media), was that he tried to make the game all about him. It'd be a pity if sports bloggers fall into the same trap.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A Coach's Duty to Report, And Our Duty to Train
The Illinois legislature is probably going to pass a law requiring higher education and athletic program personnel to report child abuse when they see it. Can't really argue with that one- you can maybe ask why it took so long, but I suspect that few people really understood the threat before Jerry Sandusky, and I dunno, I'm uncomfortable blaming people for not anticipating every possible act of evil.
That being said, at the end of the linked article, State Rep. Lou Lang (who I've met, and is pretty alright) makes a point that is well taken. See, a "duty to report" can only be the first step here. We also have to give higher education officials and athletic program personnel training to help them know WHAT to report.
Athletic programs, especially at the high school and collegiate level, are insular and hierarchical. The athletes and the coaches spend so much time together that they lose perspective. The coaches have so much untamed authority that it takes an act of affirmative courage to question them. This is what really happened at Penn State- Joe Paterno had been with Jerry Sandusky for so long, he couldn't IMAGINE that he'd be a sexual predator, and Paterno had so much power that no one thought to question him when he did...well, far too little to address the problem.
So, telling coaches and staff to report anything they see isn't enough, we also have to train them to look past their own biases and preconceptions. This is obviously a long, continuing process. It's not as simple as just passing a law (and I have a lot of sympathy for legislators, passing a law is actually extraordinarily hard). And, of course, we all have to do this harder, longer work (which is becoming a constant refrain on this blog).
But credit where it's due; this is a start, and a good one.
That being said, at the end of the linked article, State Rep. Lou Lang (who I've met, and is pretty alright) makes a point that is well taken. See, a "duty to report" can only be the first step here. We also have to give higher education officials and athletic program personnel training to help them know WHAT to report.
Athletic programs, especially at the high school and collegiate level, are insular and hierarchical. The athletes and the coaches spend so much time together that they lose perspective. The coaches have so much untamed authority that it takes an act of affirmative courage to question them. This is what really happened at Penn State- Joe Paterno had been with Jerry Sandusky for so long, he couldn't IMAGINE that he'd be a sexual predator, and Paterno had so much power that no one thought to question him when he did...well, far too little to address the problem.
So, telling coaches and staff to report anything they see isn't enough, we also have to train them to look past their own biases and preconceptions. This is obviously a long, continuing process. It's not as simple as just passing a law (and I have a lot of sympathy for legislators, passing a law is actually extraordinarily hard). And, of course, we all have to do this harder, longer work (which is becoming a constant refrain on this blog).
But credit where it's due; this is a start, and a good one.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
WHY WE WRITE
This story seems a little overblown, but it's interesting, nonetheless.
Similar, personal story: my wife and I thought about postponing our wedding because we'd heard it the weekend of a Cardinals-Cubs series, in which case her dad and I wouldn't have been able to be in the same room, much less become family. We were wrong about the schedule, so everything went ahead as planned.
Stories like this are why I'm so interested in the moral, political, and social dimensions of sports. Sports just affect us so much, even if we're not sports fans, even if we can't see how they're affecting us. Sometimes, it's because we're letting them affect us too much; we let it get personal or worse, tribal. Sometimes, it's that the actors in the sports are getting too myopic and not seeing how they hurt the sport, the fans, or even themselves. And sometimes- quite often, I would say- the sports affect us, and it's harmless, maybe even beneficial.
In each case, it's worth exploring. It's worth identifying what's what, and calling out the people responsible. Because sports and our obsession with them aren't going away- or at least, they aren't going to without a lot of discussion.
Similar, personal story: my wife and I thought about postponing our wedding because we'd heard it the weekend of a Cardinals-Cubs series, in which case her dad and I wouldn't have been able to be in the same room, much less become family. We were wrong about the schedule, so everything went ahead as planned.
Stories like this are why I'm so interested in the moral, political, and social dimensions of sports. Sports just affect us so much, even if we're not sports fans, even if we can't see how they're affecting us. Sometimes, it's because we're letting them affect us too much; we let it get personal or worse, tribal. Sometimes, it's that the actors in the sports are getting too myopic and not seeing how they hurt the sport, the fans, or even themselves. And sometimes- quite often, I would say- the sports affect us, and it's harmless, maybe even beneficial.
In each case, it's worth exploring. It's worth identifying what's what, and calling out the people responsible. Because sports and our obsession with them aren't going away- or at least, they aren't going to without a lot of discussion.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Illinois Fighting Illini @ Penn Sate Nittany Lions
2:23- What the fuck is a Nittany Lion?
2:24- Illinois comes in 6 and 2- starting out 6 and 0. Penn State is undefeated. Fellow Illini, we are now fully engaged in the long slouch toward the Texas Bowl.
2:27- Goddamn, that Yale/Colombia game looks AWESOME. #Sentencesthathaven'tbeenusedsince1925
2:28- I like to think that some third-string nobody line man who doesn't even like football but is only on the team because his father had a dad-boner for JoePa heard about the snow today and thought he'd finally gotten out of it, like a kid praying for a snow day before a big exam. Joke's on you, pussy!
2:29- BTW, "dad-boners" are not sexual. They're about respect, and self-determination, and a firm handshake.
2:34- Joe Paterno hasn't seen snow like this since he crossed the Delaware with General Washington.
2:35- I am damn glad we got the "Joe Paterno is old" joke out of the way so early.
2:37- Silas Redd vs. Whitney Mercilus? I think that was a Star Wars/Harry Potter crossover.
2:38- Apparently, Paterno is not on the sideline for this, he's watching from a booth upstairs. Mentally, nothing will be different.
2:42- Jason Ford runs for a gain of I-don't-know. He looks like the fat kid from the Cosby show that time he stole candy from Rudy and darted out of the house. (This sounds like a Cosby show plot, right?)
2:48- The shot of JoePa up in the stands, looking down silently at the game, is kind of sad, like he's so old he's being separated from the game he loves.
2:39- On the other hand, seeing so much of the coaching staff up in a heated tower while the players work in the snow really nicely underlines all of the NCAA's "student athletes"/Dancing Bears bullshit.
2:55- What exactly is JoePa doing up there? At least the other guys they show are talking into their headsets, or looking over paperwork, or covering up NCAA violations, or something. He looks like he's just watching football in a cozy room
2:56- Pay no attention to the blogger saying that while sitting under a blanket.
2:57- I hope that if JoePa has to challenge a play, he throws the flag from way the fuck up there. And that it hits some soro-stitute right in the gob.
2:58- Dear every college marching band and fandom in the nation- What the fuck, did the White Stripes just release a sheet music version of their catalog? Why did you all pick up "Seven Nation Army" at once? C'mon, college is a time for wild hedonistic experimentation, don't all just go playing the same song from MY freshman year of college. You should be playing Nicki Manaj or something. "Anti-Folk", whatever the fuck that is.
3:01- Penn State shanks a field goal.
3:02- I'm just saying, see, I actually watch these games! I TOTALLY get football.
3:06- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. one of the broadcasters (I don't know the college football guys, because I don't hate them as much) says he can't blame the weather for this. But I dunno, this game is looking sloppy. If it was just the Illini, it'd be one thing- that's pretty much what they do in the first quarter, try to turn me into the Incredible Hulk- but Penn State hasn't looked great so far, either.
3:10- ESPN on ABC's in-studio guy, on the Oklahoma State game- "First one to 50 wins." What the bitch? Do you think you're presenting highlights for some kind of really ambitious pick-up basketball league?
3:12- So far, this game is televised HPV. When's the last time an offense even crossed the line of scrimmage?
3:16- The GoDaddy ads are so shamelessly creepy, I feel filthy even for not turning off the TV and feeding the homeless immediately when they come on.
3:18- Reilly O'Toole enters the game for Illinois at QB, fresh off of his stint bothering Leopold Bloom in "Ulysses".
3:25- Jesus christ, the Illini offense may has well put the guy carrying the ball in a different colored shirt. It could be bright yellow and have "USELESS" written on the back.
3:27- Illinois hasn't had a single first down. But they're leading the Big Ten in "Standing next to the other team when it steps on its own dick". That's why this game is still close!
3:30- Can Pen State's QB see the yellow line? Is THAT what he keeps aiming at?
3:31- The broadcasters plug "Last Man Standing". This is the first time in years that I actually believe the broadcasters would actually like the show they're plugging.
3:34- GOOD PLAY CALLING, ILLINOIS. NO ONE WILL EXPECT YOU TO JUST KEEP BEING WORTHLESS.
3:37- Jason Ford's impressive "fuck this letting you tackle me shit" run is completely erased by a holding penalty. DICK STATUS: SUCCESSFULLY STEPPED ON.
3:39- I'm all for more video review and instant replay- get the shit right- but there's no arguing that they slow down the action worse than having to scramble into your roommate's bedroom to find a condom.
3:42- I mean, I assume. My roommates and I all liked Star Trek, so we have no idea what it's like to have girls over.
3:43- The ABC broadcasters are bitching that the helmet-to-helmet contact wasn't called out on the review. "Isn't that in the rule book?" One of them asks, while insisting that he loves contact, he just wants the rules enforced. Well, okay, but it's also in the rule book that those kinds of things aren't eligible for review. Which yes, is fuck-tarded, but it's the NCAA, man. Bullshit hypocrisy is the coin of the realm.
3:44- And I say this as someone who would generally rather NOT have the Illini starting quarterback forced to eat pudding and watch Yo Gabba Gabba after graduation. I DON'T, particularly, care about contact or big hits. But the problem isn't these refs.
3:46- What I'm saying, Mr. ABC broadcaster- and you should totally listen to me, because I'm so objective on this issue, I don't even know your name- is that if you don't like it, grab a pitchfork dude, it's time we burned down the mission. #OccupyNCAA
3:48- Reilly O'Toole chose UofI over Wheaton College because the word "tool" is banned at Wheaton College.
3:51- Someone want to explain the rationale behind illegal formation rules to me? Seems to me like so long as the right number of players are on the field, you should get to line up your guys however you want. What am I missing?
3:52- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. THANKS FOR LETTING ME JUST CUT AND PASTE, GUYS.
3:55- As a defense attorney, I appreciate the "BEYOND ALL DOUBT" review standard.
3:57- The ruling on the field stands, and only after that announcement does the ABC broadcaster offer his opinion- agreeing, of course. Hey, I just figured out his name! It's Gutless McTittyprick.
3:59- A TD is called back on something called "illegal motion" which sounds just vague enough to be the referee's version of a TARDIS. IT'S BIGGER ON THE INSIDE!
4:00- All of Illinois football, including it's storied history and all possible futures, completely collapses in on itself on some kind of botched field goal attempt. I don't even know how, all I know is that now, Red Grange's parents never met.
4:02- There is no Illinois football team, there is only ZUUL. And yet, Penn State still can't get a frog-fucked play going, so we go into the locker rooms tied 0-0.
4:24- The broadcaster I don't like is named "Brock" because he'd pretty much have to be, wouldn't he?
4:25- Brock- "It's been an old school hit-you-in-the-mouth defense kind of game." No, it has not. I know you love contact, but this has been a coating-our-fingers-in-crisco-and-slip-sliding along kind of game. The defense hasn't been that impressive.
4:31- Illinois picks off a pass. Then Penn State picks off a pass. Now, the call on that second one is pretty clearly the official's horseshit attempt to salvage #409 for JoePa, facts be damned, but still. This game is worse than Arby's.
4:35- The other broadcaster- Blandy McUtterlyForgettable- says that JoePa told him he's had so many mutli-generational players, his biggest problem is remembering to call the current kids by their names, not their fathers. I call bullshit. JoePa doesn't fucking remember the fathers.
4:36- Penn State is short by inches on it's fourth down attempt. This game is so terrible, my cats are getting agitated.
4:37- Then again, my cats just read that Taylor Branch history of the NCAA, so they're kinda cynical about college sports in general right now.
4:39- Woah! Blandy's talking about Uncle Tupelo and Sun Volt!
4:40- Alt country references are, by far, the most interesting this about this game. Well, that and the play after play of good ol' Big Ten fuck-uppery.
4:41- Scheelhaase has gotten 2 first downs for Illinois on this drive, both with his feet. Big Ten Football: Where Forward Passes are for Fuckwits.
4:43- Then, to make me look stupid, Scheelhaase connects with Jenkins for another first down. Listen here, Prick-master General: This is my goddamn blog, and if you don't confirm the baseless accusations I make on it, I'll give you more stupid nicknames.
4:44- Scheelhaase to Spencer Harris for an Illinois TD. Blandy sing-talks a few lines of the Illinois fight song. Sweaty god in sub-tropical heaven, it's not even fun when they're biased to MY team.
4:47- Joe Posnanski:
4:55- Brock: "Their effort, their zeal, their want-to." Just go ahead and fuck right the fuck off, would you please?
4:57- Illinois fumbles, Penn State recovers. The crowd sings "Sandstorm" as if their team actually did anything.
4:58- See, Penn State is trying to prove me right, that's while they'll always be my favorite daughter. The ball carrier fumbles, and on the next play, the QB is sacked about 160 yards behind the line of scrimmage.
4:59- And I say "daughter" because, while either team could certainly beat me into a senseless pulp (or, as I like to call it, a "Likely Herman Cain voter"), they're both playing like girls today.
5:02- ABC, seriously, there's a whole damn quarter left? Why the fuck are you declaring the "Good Hands Play of the Game" with that much left to go?
5:03- Oh my god, I just figured out why and I feel like an idiot. All of these "play of the game" things are sponsored. The sponsors wouldn't allow them to be at the END of the game, 'cause everyone changes the channel when the clock reaches zero (unless you're a madman blogging the proceedings with the intention of complaining about the coverage).
5:04- I feel dumb for never figuring that out before. My cat is looking at me disapprovingly. Of course, she thinks it's dinner time...
5:05- Blandy: "If it's not the weather (causing this lack of offense and generally sloppy play), what is it?" Why are we eliminating the weather, Dr. Watson? It seems to me that all the dropped passes and fumbles implicate the weather pretty obviously. The ball doesn't have to be wet- when it's cold, your extremities hurt more when they're hit. It's a simpler explanation than just thinking an undefeated team and a team with an explosive pass combo forgot to pack any offense for today.
5:07- HOLY SHIT, A BLOCKED PUNT. Someday, I will see awesome shit like that and one of MY teams will be the beneficiary. But for now, I can at least appreciate it on an intellectual level. *Puffs pipe*.
5:10- Penn State is in the red zone, 3rd and 5. This is like World Series Game 6- early shitty play has lead to fairly exciting game as we get down the stretch.
5:15- What, exactly, does Whitney Mercilus get for being ESPN on ABC's "Impact Player"? Double coupons at Aldi?
5:16- McGloin fumbles, recovers, and is sacked a few yard back. I mention this because "McGloin" is a funny name.
5:17- Penn State hits one of those field goal things, and we're 7-3 Illinois. But if we counted the points for ShitHeel State's Fightin' Fuckups, they'd be at 43. Too bad they're suspended for recruiting violations.
5:22- Scheelhaase scrambles, crosses the fifty, moves the chains. He actually is pretty fun to watch.
5:24- I don't care about anything else, football players look fucking cool when you can see their breath.
5:25- All these shots of the offensive coordinators are awesome, they're so grainy and shadowed. It's like the only known photo of some financial terrorist on the FBI's most wanted list.
5:26- 3 minutes to go, Penn State's gonna get the ball on the 20. That should be exciting. You hear me college football? I SAY IT SHOULD BE EXCITING.
5:30- Wow, Penn State had decided it wants to complete a few passes.
5:31- "Encroachment", huh? Okay, I have no choice but to believe you.
5:32- I never understand the two minute drill offenses. I mean, if you can do this, if you have a QB how can move the ball down the field this fast, shouldn't you whip it out a few times in the first half? I understand not doing it in like the early fourth quarter. But why did Penn State play nuts-in-a-vice-ball for three quarters?
5:34- Granted, I know nothing about football, but it seems like that's a "have to foul" situation. But hey, I think there's such a thing as a "have to maim" situation.
5:36: HEY, ILLINOIS, MAYBE WATCH TO SEE IF THIS FUCKING MOYE GUY IS THE TARGET. Just a hunch.
5:37- ABC goes to a fucking commercial, because heaven forbid a football game ever be allowed to fucking progress naturally. People who bitch about how slow baseball is need to take a flying leap up they own ass.
5:40- TD, Penn State. We live in a fallen world.
5:41- Seriously, how come they couldn't move the ball ten feet for three quarters, and then were able to move a billion yards in a minute? I smell bullshit err...somewhere.
5:42- The review confirms the ruling, and the crowd goes nuts. Because all of those future dairy inspectors think getting a call confirmed is some kind of personal accomplishment.
5:43- Which, graded on the curve of their sad, forgotten little lives, I guess it's the closest thing to.
5:45- The heir to the Douchington family fortune in the stands furiously waves his hands to indicate that there was no catch there. The referee thanks him profusely, because he needs some second year psych major's help in doing his fucking job.
5:48- We can't get the refs some fucking iPhones so they can just catch this real quick themselves?
5:50- I guess the fear is they'd just be sending pictures of their junk to each other.
5:52- The clock is so awesomely arbitrary in football. Different things stop it at different times, and it hitting 0 does not necessarily mean, y'know, the game is over. Hilarious.
5:53- Well, let's go, Dimke.
5:54-...
5:55- Don't bother coming home, Dimke.
5:55- I think it's a little hinky that JoePa gets credit for 409 wins without even going outside for the game. The only person on Penn State who didn't absolutely try to abort himself was Moye, but this is all going to be about the fucking legend of some guy who hasn't been in active control of any aspect of his program- and by "program", I mean "bowels"- since Kidd 'N Play were the new hotness.
5:58- I'm content to end this one on another mean-spirited "JoePa is OLD!" joke. See you tonight, for the Blackhawks game.
2:24- Illinois comes in 6 and 2- starting out 6 and 0. Penn State is undefeated. Fellow Illini, we are now fully engaged in the long slouch toward the Texas Bowl.
2:27- Goddamn, that Yale/Colombia game looks AWESOME. #Sentencesthathaven'tbeenusedsince1925
2:28- I like to think that some third-string nobody line man who doesn't even like football but is only on the team because his father had a dad-boner for JoePa heard about the snow today and thought he'd finally gotten out of it, like a kid praying for a snow day before a big exam. Joke's on you, pussy!
2:29- BTW, "dad-boners" are not sexual. They're about respect, and self-determination, and a firm handshake.
2:34- Joe Paterno hasn't seen snow like this since he crossed the Delaware with General Washington.
2:35- I am damn glad we got the "Joe Paterno is old" joke out of the way so early.
2:37- Silas Redd vs. Whitney Mercilus? I think that was a Star Wars/Harry Potter crossover.
2:38- Apparently, Paterno is not on the sideline for this, he's watching from a booth upstairs. Mentally, nothing will be different.
2:42- Jason Ford runs for a gain of I-don't-know. He looks like the fat kid from the Cosby show that time he stole candy from Rudy and darted out of the house. (This sounds like a Cosby show plot, right?)
2:48- The shot of JoePa up in the stands, looking down silently at the game, is kind of sad, like he's so old he's being separated from the game he loves.
2:39- On the other hand, seeing so much of the coaching staff up in a heated tower while the players work in the snow really nicely underlines all of the NCAA's "student athletes"/Dancing Bears bullshit.
2:55- What exactly is JoePa doing up there? At least the other guys they show are talking into their headsets, or looking over paperwork, or covering up NCAA violations, or something. He looks like he's just watching football in a cozy room
2:56- Pay no attention to the blogger saying that while sitting under a blanket.
2:57- I hope that if JoePa has to challenge a play, he throws the flag from way the fuck up there. And that it hits some soro-stitute right in the gob.
2:58- Dear every college marching band and fandom in the nation- What the fuck, did the White Stripes just release a sheet music version of their catalog? Why did you all pick up "Seven Nation Army" at once? C'mon, college is a time for wild hedonistic experimentation, don't all just go playing the same song from MY freshman year of college. You should be playing Nicki Manaj or something. "Anti-Folk", whatever the fuck that is.
3:01- Penn State shanks a field goal.
3:02- I'm just saying, see, I actually watch these games! I TOTALLY get football.
3:06- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. one of the broadcasters (I don't know the college football guys, because I don't hate them as much) says he can't blame the weather for this. But I dunno, this game is looking sloppy. If it was just the Illini, it'd be one thing- that's pretty much what they do in the first quarter, try to turn me into the Incredible Hulk- but Penn State hasn't looked great so far, either.
3:10- ESPN on ABC's in-studio guy, on the Oklahoma State game- "First one to 50 wins." What the bitch? Do you think you're presenting highlights for some kind of really ambitious pick-up basketball league?
3:12- So far, this game is televised HPV. When's the last time an offense even crossed the line of scrimmage?
3:16- The GoDaddy ads are so shamelessly creepy, I feel filthy even for not turning off the TV and feeding the homeless immediately when they come on.
3:18- Reilly O'Toole enters the game for Illinois at QB, fresh off of his stint bothering Leopold Bloom in "Ulysses".
3:25- Jesus christ, the Illini offense may has well put the guy carrying the ball in a different colored shirt. It could be bright yellow and have "USELESS" written on the back.
3:27- Illinois hasn't had a single first down. But they're leading the Big Ten in "Standing next to the other team when it steps on its own dick". That's why this game is still close!
3:30- Can Pen State's QB see the yellow line? Is THAT what he keeps aiming at?
3:31- The broadcasters plug "Last Man Standing". This is the first time in years that I actually believe the broadcasters would actually like the show they're plugging.
3:34- GOOD PLAY CALLING, ILLINOIS. NO ONE WILL EXPECT YOU TO JUST KEEP BEING WORTHLESS.
3:37- Jason Ford's impressive "fuck this letting you tackle me shit" run is completely erased by a holding penalty. DICK STATUS: SUCCESSFULLY STEPPED ON.
3:39- I'm all for more video review and instant replay- get the shit right- but there's no arguing that they slow down the action worse than having to scramble into your roommate's bedroom to find a condom.
3:42- I mean, I assume. My roommates and I all liked Star Trek, so we have no idea what it's like to have girls over.
3:43- The ABC broadcasters are bitching that the helmet-to-helmet contact wasn't called out on the review. "Isn't that in the rule book?" One of them asks, while insisting that he loves contact, he just wants the rules enforced. Well, okay, but it's also in the rule book that those kinds of things aren't eligible for review. Which yes, is fuck-tarded, but it's the NCAA, man. Bullshit hypocrisy is the coin of the realm.
3:44- And I say this as someone who would generally rather NOT have the Illini starting quarterback forced to eat pudding and watch Yo Gabba Gabba after graduation. I DON'T, particularly, care about contact or big hits. But the problem isn't these refs.
3:46- What I'm saying, Mr. ABC broadcaster- and you should totally listen to me, because I'm so objective on this issue, I don't even know your name- is that if you don't like it, grab a pitchfork dude, it's time we burned down the mission. #OccupyNCAA
3:48- Reilly O'Toole chose UofI over Wheaton College because the word "tool" is banned at Wheaton College.
3:51- Someone want to explain the rationale behind illegal formation rules to me? Seems to me like so long as the right number of players are on the field, you should get to line up your guys however you want. What am I missing?
3:52- Penn State fumbles, Illinois recovers. THANKS FOR LETTING ME JUST CUT AND PASTE, GUYS.
3:55- As a defense attorney, I appreciate the "BEYOND ALL DOUBT" review standard.
3:57- The ruling on the field stands, and only after that announcement does the ABC broadcaster offer his opinion- agreeing, of course. Hey, I just figured out his name! It's Gutless McTittyprick.
3:59- A TD is called back on something called "illegal motion" which sounds just vague enough to be the referee's version of a TARDIS. IT'S BIGGER ON THE INSIDE!
4:00- All of Illinois football, including it's storied history and all possible futures, completely collapses in on itself on some kind of botched field goal attempt. I don't even know how, all I know is that now, Red Grange's parents never met.
4:02- There is no Illinois football team, there is only ZUUL. And yet, Penn State still can't get a frog-fucked play going, so we go into the locker rooms tied 0-0.
4:24- The broadcaster I don't like is named "Brock" because he'd pretty much have to be, wouldn't he?
4:25- Brock- "It's been an old school hit-you-in-the-mouth defense kind of game." No, it has not. I know you love contact, but this has been a coating-our-fingers-in-crisco-and-slip-sliding along kind of game. The defense hasn't been that impressive.
4:31- Illinois picks off a pass. Then Penn State picks off a pass. Now, the call on that second one is pretty clearly the official's horseshit attempt to salvage #409 for JoePa, facts be damned, but still. This game is worse than Arby's.
4:35- The other broadcaster- Blandy McUtterlyForgettable- says that JoePa told him he's had so many mutli-generational players, his biggest problem is remembering to call the current kids by their names, not their fathers. I call bullshit. JoePa doesn't fucking remember the fathers.
4:36- Penn State is short by inches on it's fourth down attempt. This game is so terrible, my cats are getting agitated.
4:37- Then again, my cats just read that Taylor Branch history of the NCAA, so they're kinda cynical about college sports in general right now.
4:39- Woah! Blandy's talking about Uncle Tupelo and Sun Volt!
4:40- Alt country references are, by far, the most interesting this about this game. Well, that and the play after play of good ol' Big Ten fuck-uppery.
4:41- Scheelhaase has gotten 2 first downs for Illinois on this drive, both with his feet. Big Ten Football: Where Forward Passes are for Fuckwits.
4:43- Then, to make me look stupid, Scheelhaase connects with Jenkins for another first down. Listen here, Prick-master General: This is my goddamn blog, and if you don't confirm the baseless accusations I make on it, I'll give you more stupid nicknames.
4:44- Scheelhaase to Spencer Harris for an Illinois TD. Blandy sing-talks a few lines of the Illinois fight song. Sweaty god in sub-tropical heaven, it's not even fun when they're biased to MY team.
4:47- Joe Posnanski:
This Penn State-Illinois 0-0 game is a throwback … to those days when the forward pass was illegal.
You should all read more Joe Pos. He does a body good.
4:50- I'm drinking Dr. Pepper Ten as we speak, and have no idea what's supposed to be so manly about it. I mean, I appreciate that it doesn't taste like balls, so I guess that's fine.
4:51- The great thing about football- and it's Dosteyevsky-sized rule book- is on every play, I get to say if the refs got the call right or wrong, like I actually know a single damned thing. I should have a pipe while I do it. "Mmm, yes. Truculent call, old chap. Surely was a horsecollar."
4:57- Illinois fumbles, Penn State recovers. The crowd sings "Sandstorm" as if their team actually did anything.
4:58- See, Penn State is trying to prove me right, that's while they'll always be my favorite daughter. The ball carrier fumbles, and on the next play, the QB is sacked about 160 yards behind the line of scrimmage.
4:59- And I say "daughter" because, while either team could certainly beat me into a senseless pulp (or, as I like to call it, a "Likely Herman Cain voter"), they're both playing like girls today.
5:02- ABC, seriously, there's a whole damn quarter left? Why the fuck are you declaring the "Good Hands Play of the Game" with that much left to go?
5:03- Oh my god, I just figured out why and I feel like an idiot. All of these "play of the game" things are sponsored. The sponsors wouldn't allow them to be at the END of the game, 'cause everyone changes the channel when the clock reaches zero (unless you're a madman blogging the proceedings with the intention of complaining about the coverage).
5:04- I feel dumb for never figuring that out before. My cat is looking at me disapprovingly. Of course, she thinks it's dinner time...
5:05- Blandy: "If it's not the weather (causing this lack of offense and generally sloppy play), what is it?" Why are we eliminating the weather, Dr. Watson? It seems to me that all the dropped passes and fumbles implicate the weather pretty obviously. The ball doesn't have to be wet- when it's cold, your extremities hurt more when they're hit. It's a simpler explanation than just thinking an undefeated team and a team with an explosive pass combo forgot to pack any offense for today.
5:07- HOLY SHIT, A BLOCKED PUNT. Someday, I will see awesome shit like that and one of MY teams will be the beneficiary. But for now, I can at least appreciate it on an intellectual level. *Puffs pipe*.
5:10- Penn State is in the red zone, 3rd and 5. This is like World Series Game 6- early shitty play has lead to fairly exciting game as we get down the stretch.
5:15- What, exactly, does Whitney Mercilus get for being ESPN on ABC's "Impact Player"? Double coupons at Aldi?
5:16- McGloin fumbles, recovers, and is sacked a few yard back. I mention this because "McGloin" is a funny name.
5:17- Penn State hits one of those field goal things, and we're 7-3 Illinois. But if we counted the points for ShitHeel State's Fightin' Fuckups, they'd be at 43. Too bad they're suspended for recruiting violations.
5:22- Scheelhaase scrambles, crosses the fifty, moves the chains. He actually is pretty fun to watch.
5:24- I don't care about anything else, football players look fucking cool when you can see their breath.
5:25- All these shots of the offensive coordinators are awesome, they're so grainy and shadowed. It's like the only known photo of some financial terrorist on the FBI's most wanted list.
5:26- 3 minutes to go, Penn State's gonna get the ball on the 20. That should be exciting. You hear me college football? I SAY IT SHOULD BE EXCITING.
5:30- Wow, Penn State had decided it wants to complete a few passes.
5:31- "Encroachment", huh? Okay, I have no choice but to believe you.
5:32- I never understand the two minute drill offenses. I mean, if you can do this, if you have a QB how can move the ball down the field this fast, shouldn't you whip it out a few times in the first half? I understand not doing it in like the early fourth quarter. But why did Penn State play nuts-in-a-vice-ball for three quarters?
5:34- Granted, I know nothing about football, but it seems like that's a "have to foul" situation. But hey, I think there's such a thing as a "have to maim" situation.
5:36: HEY, ILLINOIS, MAYBE WATCH TO SEE IF THIS FUCKING MOYE GUY IS THE TARGET. Just a hunch.
5:37- ABC goes to a fucking commercial, because heaven forbid a football game ever be allowed to fucking progress naturally. People who bitch about how slow baseball is need to take a flying leap up they own ass.
5:40- TD, Penn State. We live in a fallen world.
5:41- Seriously, how come they couldn't move the ball ten feet for three quarters, and then were able to move a billion yards in a minute? I smell bullshit err...somewhere.
5:42- The review confirms the ruling, and the crowd goes nuts. Because all of those future dairy inspectors think getting a call confirmed is some kind of personal accomplishment.
5:43- Which, graded on the curve of their sad, forgotten little lives, I guess it's the closest thing to.
5:45- The heir to the Douchington family fortune in the stands furiously waves his hands to indicate that there was no catch there. The referee thanks him profusely, because he needs some second year psych major's help in doing his fucking job.
5:48- We can't get the refs some fucking iPhones so they can just catch this real quick themselves?
5:50- I guess the fear is they'd just be sending pictures of their junk to each other.
5:52- The clock is so awesomely arbitrary in football. Different things stop it at different times, and it hitting 0 does not necessarily mean, y'know, the game is over. Hilarious.
5:53- Well, let's go, Dimke.
5:54-...
5:55- Don't bother coming home, Dimke.
5:55- I think it's a little hinky that JoePa gets credit for 409 wins without even going outside for the game. The only person on Penn State who didn't absolutely try to abort himself was Moye, but this is all going to be about the fucking legend of some guy who hasn't been in active control of any aspect of his program- and by "program", I mean "bowels"- since Kidd 'N Play were the new hotness.
5:58- I'm content to end this one on another mean-spirited "JoePa is OLD!" joke. See you tonight, for the Blackhawks game.
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