'DA BIG GAME

5:35- Okay, we're a little late in starting, but we're gonna make up for it with extra hating on Massholes.

5:36- And Madonna. Seriously, WTF NFL OMGBBQ?

5:37- My hosts' TV is fucking balla. I can actually see the stink of Giselle's vagina coming off of Brady's crotch.

5:39- Budweiser, I'm not sure a song about Kanye West's mounting self-loathing is the best way to sell your new beer. But Bud Platium does sound like the best drink for a toast to the douchebags.

5:40- I really like the fat guy sitting next to Giselle just to explain sport to her.

5:41- HOLY SHIT, A SAFETY ALREADY. Friends of the blog will understand that this is already my favorite Super Bowl since the one where I ended up on a table top wearing a bear mask.

5:42- Upon further reflection, I can only HOPE that that was Super Bowl.

5:43- Pepsi, that was just the dumbest shit ever.

5:45- I'm eating Devilled eggs and not sharing, Ron Swanson style. My host has provided fridge space.

5:50- THAT is some amatuer hour shit, Patriots.

5:51- Victor Cruz, borrowing his name from the villain in every mid-90s Jean Claude Van Damme movie, pulls in a catch for our first legit score. 8-0 New York Football Giants.

5:52- HOLY SHIT, THE P.A.T. WAS GOOD!

5:56- Alright, I lied that Chevy commercial (Even though Chevys are built in horseshit RTW states). But um...what's gonna happen when those guys get horny?

5:59- Wes Welker leads the league in affection from commentators who are afraid of black guys.

6:06- Some kicker does his thing and the Pats are on the board. 9-3 Gernts.

6:11- Shorter Chris Collinsworth: "Ah ha ha ha ha, I just love these grown men taking permanent damage. AH HA HA HA HA."

6:14- Goddammit Volkswagon, now you're just gonna give my pets body image issues.

6:20- I swear to god, the second quarter of every NFL game is 45 minutes long.

6:29- Tom Coughlin is a perfectly adequate professional football coach.

6:33- After that penalty, Bill Bellicek has the wry smile of a man who is going to murder many hookers with many chicken bones.

6:36- I'm like, 65% certain that a Super Bowl commercial just explained an oral sex principal to us all. JOKE'S ON YOU, SUPER BOWL. I DIDN'T NEED TO BE TOLD THAT. I'M MARRIED, ORAL SEX ISN'T AN OPTION ANYWAY!

6:39- Brady, in the huddle: "YOU AND YOU! STOP BEING SHITTY!"

6:44- Goddammit, people. I thought we all agreed that G.I. Joe movies were mistakes. We were just going to extract the redhead, and bomb the rest. What happened?

6:45- The name "Woodhead"? Never not funny.

6:48- Brady: "I AM THE BRADY GOD! YOU SHALL WORSHIP NO OTHER BRADIES BEFORE ME!"

6:51- And that's half time! Here comes Madonna! Thanks, Geritol!

6:54- Bob Costas: "As you can see, it's kind of dark behind me, 'cause no one wants to fucking look at Madonna anymore."

6:57- Deadspin caught Rush Limbaugh picking his nose. LIBRUL MEDIA! I HOPE HE FAILS! WE SHOULDA JUST TRADED THE 2012 ELECTION FOR DRAFT PICKS!

7:00- We're watching a friends' demo video, so I can't make fun of the Indiana tourism commercial. Someone fill in for me?

7:06- Nothing says NFL football like a guy doing gymnastics moves in a toga.

7:07- This is violating the first tenant of Super Bowl Half Time Law: Don't make your father think about shit.

7:09- Why was Madonna laying down? Was she tired already?

7:09- "Every record sounds the same." Yes, agreed, Madonna. Stop doing that.

7:11- These nuns aren't nearly slutty enough.

7:12- OTOH, that's some real complex choreography they got going on there. "Sway back and forth. Swing your arms, but just a bit! PERFECT. THAT'S FUCKING ART."

7:13- Cee Lo looks like the first Defense Against the Dark Arts minister who gets to stay on because Voldemort's curse is broken. Or because of Affirmative Action. One of the two.

7:14- I'll bitch about my penis aches for as long as I want, but "Like a Prayer" really is a solid pop song.

7:15- Did she just get frozen in carbonite?

7:20- WHY IS CLINT EASTWOOD GROWLING AT ME ABOUT DETROIT?!?!

7:23- New half means a new thread. BECAUSE YOU EARNED IT.

Dan Wolken and The Big Lie

Dan Wolken had a recent column which got attention even on PTI regarding moving the start of the college basketball season so as to avoid being overshadowed by other sports.

http://www.thedaily.com/page/2012/01/29/012912-sports-wolken-column-hoops-1-3/

I have no complaints with the merits of Dan's argument.  March vs May Madness doesn't initially strike me as heresy, and I might actually pay more attention to college b-ball once bowl season is over (which might actually improve my performance on my brackets, having actually seen some of these teams play).

My issue here is what Dan is perceiving as the problem: that college basketball is being overshadowed.  That attendance is down, that viewership is down, that no one is talking about the sport because they are too busy talking about the NFL and the NBA.

WHY IS THIS A BAD THING?

We're told over and over that these kids are "student athletes", that this isn't a professional sport, and they aren't professional athletes, so they don't deserve compensation for their performance over the education they receive.  These are schools, after all, and the education should be the principal focus.  If that's truly the case, then why are we complaining that a college sport that exists only to further the education of its participants is being overshadowed by the professional sports that this is not.  ZOMG!  PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL IS MORE POPULAR THAN NON-PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL!  Isn't that how it's supposed to work?  If 5 people watch a college game vs 50,000 people watching the game, those kids get the same compensation:  a scholarship and a dorm room with access to a cafeteria.  If they are only there to play for an education, there doesn't need to be a single tv camera in the building, not even public access.

Getting It Right

I really enjoyed this year's NHL All Star Game. I KNOW, I'M AS SURPRISED AS YOU. But really, I think the NHL has figured out what these things are about while the other major leagues are still flailing. What are they about? It's a simple sentence: "THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT, SO LET'S JUST GO OUT THERE AND HAVE A GOOD TIME."

All All Star Games, Pro Bowls, whatever, are just spectacle, or at least should be. They're excuses to put a bunch of famous players all on the same team, and that's all they need to be. Now, that's a fundamentally gimmicky concept...but that's okay. The regular season and the playoffs can be played straight. Set this weekend aside for just the fun.

It really feels like that's what the NHL has done. The teams are picked playground style, with captains going back and forth to pick guys to fill out their rosters. The most popular event of the weekend was the skills competition, where guys dressed in costumes and brought props. Teams are split up, so you can see forwards going up against their own regular season goalies (As we saw in the first goal of the evening). Hell, goalies are mic'ed up so that the broadcasters can hockle them during the action (or, in Lundqvist's case, give them warning when a scoring threat starts his shift).

The players are just out there goofing around and trying to do big, flashy plays. The scores get ridiculously high. Even the fourth line sounds like a Justice League roster. Drake sang between periods, for some reason.

In other words, the NHL embraced the idea that this was just a gimmick, and decided to pile a couple more gimmicks on top of it. That only worked, of course, because the ASG doesn't count for anything, and everyone acknowledges that. But god help me, it did work. It was big and goofy, and just fun.

Baseball, of course, is still mired in the idea that the ASG should count, to the extent that the new CBA requires players to either show up or get special dispensation from the Commissioner's office. This is nonsense, and the home field advantage rule is nonsense on stilts (why should two completely different teams get to decide that, exactly?). The ASG is a bunch of big name stars all on the field at once. DON'T OVERSELL THIS, GUYS.

The Pro Bowl certainly embraces that it doesn't matter, but the NFL forgets to make it fun, considering you end up with like, the 12 best QB in the league starting. It doesn't help that the two teams going to the Super Bowl obviously don't participate. But biggest problem is probably the sport itself- football plays are just too structured and rigid to generate the kind of flash and spectacle needed to make the Pro Bowl fun. Maybe Tebow changed that? I don't know, I didn't bother.

The bottom line is, any ASG is fundamentally a gimmicky spectacle, and all leagues would be wise to embrace that. Yes, players won't try as hard, and won't want to risk injuries. That's okay, embrace that. Let them just try to throw out a bunch of flashy bullshit, let them try to just act out on their petty rivalries or nutty theories. The NHL seems to get that, and good for it.

Of course, the reason the NHL gets it is that it's a second tier league, so it can afford to play around a bit more. It's got to try a lot more gimmicky stuff to drum up any interest. And the other edge to that sword is that the league ends up looking amatuerish in other ways. I was at the gym when the ASG started yesterday, but didn't quite know it, because the NHL app on my iPhone did not have the game time on it ANYWHERE. But for now, it's making the NHL try harder on it's big events. And that's making them a lot more fun.

"AND THEN, BEND OVER ABIGAIL MAY, 'CAUSE HERE COMES THE GRAVY PIPE!"

This is either the insane rantings of a madman who has stumbled upon a modicum of actual power, or the best Tim & Eric sketch ever.

The best part is that they've essentially put some poor fucker named "David Cullen" in a fucking shark cage in front of home plate. WHY?

Because America fucking owns, that's why.

Your 2012 Super Bowl: Patriots v. Giants

OH GOOD.

I was just saying how I wished this year's Super Bowl could have a shallow, one-word narrative that the pundits will run into the ground while obscuring any actual reporting or analysis for the next two weeks.

REMATCH! THIS TIME, BOTH TEAMS ARE UN-UNDEFEATED!

The Rise of the Player/General Manager

Death Blogger Mike's post on Dwight Howard reminded me of one of the most interesting trends in the NBA, and I'm calling it (okay, stealing the phrase from someone, I just can't remember who) "The Rise of the Player/General Manager".

This guy knows what I'm talking about. You've got the Heat and the odious MV3. You've got Howard demanding a trade because the Magic front office wasn't consulting him on other trades. You've got Kobe more or less running the whole show over in LA. It's the wave of the future, man.

I think it's kind of justifiable, too. The ownership obviously wants to keep the superstars happy, and you can often count on them to understand their own game and what compliments it. Not always, but they at least should have the opportunity to try, I think. Moreover, the NBA has max contracts and role players can usually be gotten for shorter-term contracts, so the risk isn't particularly dire. So I think you're going to see more of this.

You probably won't see it in other sports, though. First of all, baseball, the NFL, and the NHL just haven't clamped down on contracts enough to mitigate the risk. But I think the structures of those games auger against it, too. The NFL obviously has intense specialization in every position. The NHL has one highly specialized position and some important differences between forwards and defenders, as well as the shift system, which means a player is only on the floor for, at most, a minute or two at a time. Baseball has a pretty obvious distinction between batters and pitchers (half the pitchers aren't even expected to touch a bat anymore).

This all means that there's a lot of players in these sports who don't completely know what it takes to excel at someone else's job in the same sport. I'm sure there's exceptions- Eli Manning comes to mind, at least on offense- but for the most part, we're dealing with sports where the players have distinct roles in a larger system, and that means their ability to recruit for the other parts of the system are iffy at best. Put that together with the higher financial risk, and I think you won't get to see Albert Pujols orchestrating a trade anytime soon.

The NBA is obviously different, though. There's no division between the offensive team and the defensive team. I'd even argue that the differences between, say, a center and a point guard are of degree, not kind. And so, an NBA player just has a much better understanding of what his fellow players do- both because they do a lot of the same stuff he does, and because he works with them on every play.

And if the Heat continue choking? I don't think it matters. Players are always going to want more control over their destiny, and the structure of the game will always give that some justification. At most, the Heat's failure will just make the players change their tactics on it.

Giants @ 49ers

Jesus, the ref's explanation of the new OT rules sounded like Ben Bernake trying to explain fiat money to a Paultard.

Joe Paterno is Dead

I suppose the headline says it all.

I just don't have a lot to add to that. I take no glee in this, but I'm not exactly mourning anything, either. I tried taking a stab at a broader Penn State post a few times, but it was hard coming at it from an angle that wasn't already covered by a hundred thick-necked idiots who had already weighed in.

The one thing I will say is, if Paterno had held on for a few more years, the scandal might have been put in...perspective? It's not that it would fade, it's not that it should fade. But the wounds would've had some time to scab over, and people would have had less of a desire to spit when they say his name. They would have at least mentioned his career, though clearly no one would have said it all balanced out. Now, though, no one wants to hear about his career; they just want to curse at him.

I am not sure that this is a bad thing.

Anyway. Our thoughts are with his family.

Does Dwight Howard have a Mental Disorder?

Bill Simmons.  I said that name because if it's a name that makes you run screeching for a barf bag, I didn't want to waste your time any further.  I like to front my failures.  Something I learned in law school.  Now, for those of you still here, regardless of any trepidation, let me say that he did write at least one interesting article back in December about Dwight Howard and the trade rumors surrounding him:

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7352957/the-ninth-day-nba-christmas

Now, in that article Bill Simmons makes a pretty compelling case about why Dwight Howard should be seeking a trade to the Chicago Bulls.  Note, neither he nor I at this point are saying the Bulls need to make that trade or should be seeking it, just that of all the teams in the NBA, the Bulls are where Dwight could do the most damage, namely because they are the most talented team in the NBA in the depth department.

The Heat have more superstars, but the Heat aren't about to trade Bosh and [do they have anyone else besides LeBron and Wade?] for Dwight.  The Bulls, while having less superstars, do have about 6 guys in that B to A- range.  Hakeem Olajuwon proved in Houston that as long as Michael Jordan isn't playing, one Superstar surrounded by B to A- players can win, at least if you're the best center currently playing.  The Bulls could trade half those guys and still find 3 star caliber (I said star, not superstar) players to round out the starting 5 with Rose and Howard.  The point is, the Bulls are the only team that could trade away enough talent to get Orlando to agree to release Dwight without committing seppuku themselves.  Let's say the Bulls trade Noah and Deng for Howard, they've still got Boozer, Gibson, and Hamilton, with Asik coming off the bench in support.  That's a team that can beat the Heat and maybe win a title.  Again, I'm not saying this should happen, but if it did I wouldn't cry.

So what is the latest news on Howard?

http://espn.go.com/nba/story/_/id/7469727/report-dwight-howard-orlando-magic-adds-los-angeles-clippers-trade-wish-list

Howard says he wants to play for the Clippers.  Specifically, he wants to play with Griffin and Paul.  Dude, I want to play with Griffin and Paul but I might have a better chance.  In what world does this happen?  It certainly doesn't happen by trade.  The Clippers already traded away Eric Gordon and picks to get Paul.  The Clippers already gambled away most of their talent and future prospects that aren't NBA dunk champs to get Paul and compete NOW.  So what is left?  What could the Clippers possibly trade to convince Orlando to give them Howard?  Chauncey Billups and DeAndre Jordan?  Are you serious?  Orlando gets more value out of just playing out the season with Dwight and offering a max contract in free agency, showing its fans they did everything they could.  The only way the Clippers get Howard is if Orlando just wants to get rid of Howard (hint:  they don't) and NO ONE ELSE is offering something better (hint:  they will).  Howard seems to be unaware of what a "trade" actually is:  two parties finding a mutually beneficial exchange.  The Clippers have nothing left to make a package with anything approaching the value of Howard UNLESS they trade Griffin or Paul, which would be unacceptable to Howard because those are the guys he wants to play with.

The only other way that happens is if he pulls a LeBron.  Go free agency and then sign with the Clippers when he is free and clear.  But guess what Dwight, someone's taking a pay cut.  There is a salary cap out there.  Maybe with Griffin's rookie contract they can make it work, but then Griffin is gonna wanna get paid or bolt when his years are up.

Looking at the rest of his list:  The Nets, the Lakers, the Mavs.  The Lakers MIGHT be able to swing him by giving up Bynum (1 for 1 is a bad trade, but maybe Orlando says fuck it), in which case Howard just improves the team in the same position as Bynum.  The Mavs would depend on them staying the same team as they are (same as the Clippers, not losing any talent).  The Nets would be the Magic all over again with different geography.  That team sucks and Howard on them makes them a playoff spoiler but not an NBA champion.

I don't know how Chicago doesn't make Howard's list, but more importantly, I don't know how he expects the Clippers to happen without destroying the very thing he's trying to accomplish.  It reminds me of the three best kids on the playground saying "well what if we made our own team and put all the scrubs on the other, that would be awesome."  On the playground the other kids just won't play, and in the NBA we have salary caps and oh, I don't know, rational self-fucking interest on the part of trade partners not just making the NBA Howard's sandbox for wish fulfillment.

WHAT'S THAT?

HMMM?

AH!

WHY YES, I AM WATCHING THIS LIVE STREAM OF THE WORLD CHAMPION ST. LOUIS CARDINALS AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, BARACK OBAMA.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING.